Bad day

Today is a ritual holiday. So its a bad day for us.

I’m sitting here, feeling terrible. I don’t know what to do with myself. I am trying not to think about what today is.

Its the fall equinox. I hate it. Everything about this date triggers fear and sadness, pain and upset in me.

I hope I can get through it. I hope we’ll be ok.

At least we aren’t home, so nobody can get to us. We’re at our parents house. We’re safe at least.

Safe physically, but mentally? Mentally we’re a mess.

So many emotions and feelings. So much chaos inside. So much overwhelm.

Pray, if you pray guys. Pray we’ll get through it.

carol anne

SRA DATE

HEY EVERYONE

LIZ HERE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO OUR BLOG, OR NEW TO KNOWING SOMEONE WITH DID, I WILL EXPLAIN SOMETHING HERE ABOUT US, WE ARE A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUALISTIC ABUSE.

WE WENT THROUGH SRA FOR 12 YEARS. FROM THE TIME WE WERE 5 YEARS OLD UNTIL WE WERE 17.

WE WERE PART OF A CULT, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND TRAUMATISING.

SO ON MAY 1ST, ITS BELTANE. A SRA HOLIDAY. AND WE ARE EXTREMELY SCARED OF ALL SRA HOLIDAYS. TRIGGERED BY THEM TOO.

I’VE NOTICED I HAVE BEEN GETTING A TON OF MEMORIES BACK LATELY ABOUT THE SRA. MEMORIES I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. MEMORIES I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PROCESS UNSUCCESSFULLY.

SO TOMORROW WHEN I GO TO THERAPY I AM GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN ABOUT THEM. MAYBE NOT PROCESS ANY BECAUSE WE ARENT DOING ANY PROCESSING RIGHT NOW, BUT EVEN TO JUST SIMPLY TALK ABOUT THE SRA TRIGGERS WILL BE GOOD I THINK.

I THINK I WILL BENEFIT FROM DOING THAT.

I’M FED UP OF NIGHTS OF NO SLEEP, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, AND BEING TRIGGERED.

ITS NO FUN AND REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS.

LIZ

triggers defused!

well ya’ll will be happy to know, I am no longer feeling triggered. Big sigh!
So thrilled, mostly I managed to defuse it on my own.
I watched tv, and later in the evening I took a hot shower.
I washed with my fave soap and glory shower gel, it smells soooo good!
It grounded me. I felt so much better after the shower.
Nothing like a hot shower to soothe your soul.
I cuddled with nitro, I read the blogs of some of you, I still have a lot to catch up on but I am slowly getting through the posts.
Its almost 1 AM. I doubt I sleep tonight. I think I got way too much sleep this weekend. I slept a lot. Its ok though if I don’t sleep tonight. I wont worry about it.
Tomorrow is an easyish day. I do need to go volunteering though. I’ll get there though. I’ll manage even if I don’t sleep much tonight.
Just happy I defused the triggers on my own.

triggered

so without going into to much detail, something has just really triggered me.
I’m trying to ignore the trigger. I’ve turned on Irelands got talent and am watching that. Trying to stay distracted.
Not sure its really working but I’m trying at least.
My thoughts are a bit all over the place though. Moods going haywire. Up and down and all around.
I just hope this doesn’t last too long. Damn triggers. I hate them.