TEXTED EILEEN ON CHRISTMAS!

SO I GOT TO TEXT OUR THERAPIST EILEEN YESTERDAY. I DECIDED I’D TEXT HER TO WISH HER A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

SO I DID! AND SHE TEXTED US BACK TO SAY HAPPY CHRISTMAS, SHE SENT SOME CUTE IMOGIES OF A CHRISTMAS TREE AND SNOWMAN TOO HAHAHA IT WAS SO CUTE!

IM GLAD WE TEXTED HER. EMILY ALSO JUST EMAILED HER THIS MORNING, TO TELL HER ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS! SHE WANTED TO SHARE WITH HER ABOUT WHAT WE GOT!

IT WAS NICE THAT SHE THOUGHT OF US. IT FELT GOOD TO CONNECT WITH HER ON THE HOLIDAYS!

LIZ

Emily. So excited about giving Eileen a christmas card!

hihihihii everyone
im really excited. im going to give Eileen a Christmas card tomorrow. well actually we got two for her. one of them I made. the other carol anne bought from our friend safiyah who makes beautiful cards.

it taked me a while to make the card. I had fun doing it though. I was able to spend a whole afternoon doing it. I love card making and I enjoyed making Eileen and dr. barry a special card each for Christmas.

plus I got to just be a kid! I got to do things that 12 year old girls do and enjoy doing. that part was good too!

I hope Eileen likes her card. I think she will though. I put a nice message in it too. telling her how much I love her and am so thankful for her support.

well that’s all for now! i’ll let you all know how we got on tomorrow! im sure we’ll have lots to say!
butterfly hugs
loves you,
Emily age 12

Cuz I want her to be proud of me!

I emailed my therapist. I emailed to tell her my good news!
I wanted to share it with her. But more than that, I want her to be proud of me. I know she will be, so whether she actually responds to my email or not…I will know she got it and read it, and is proud of me!
That is enough. I am happy that I can email her. I am happy to be able to share my great news with the person I trust the most in the world!
She might not respond to me at all, if she does it will be awesome! Im not hoping that sh e will though. If she does, then it will be a huge surprise!
Im kinda a hot mess right now! Im not sure why. I just feel pretty agitated. I am still super excited though about getting a place on the course!
Just gotta try to stay calm! Deep breaths, carol anne!
And coffee, which is probably making me more agitated!

Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.

Therapy tomorrow!

Yay! 😀 I am so looking forward to it!
I just cant wait to see Eileen!
I’ve been having longing feelings all weekend, am longing to be in the safety of her office, longing to be with her, to have her sitting in front of us, with her calming presence and reassuring voice!
Telling us we’re ok, we’re safe, and all is going to work out and be well!
I need that right now! I am feeling insecure tonight!
Alls I gotta say is, thank god therapy day is almost here!
😀

Something to celebrate

I slept. I got through the night. Even though I was missing Eileen so much, I made it.
Doing a happy dance! 😀
This morning I am celebrating my achievements. I will celebrate with a cup of coffee and a big smile plastered across my face. Eileen will be so proud of me. I used my coping skills. I didn’t wallow. I didn’t give in. Instead I practiced self care. I was ok.
Counting my blessings, life is good!

Longing

Im incredibly sad tonight. I have a longing. A longing to have my therapists reassurance. I wish I could reach out to her. But its gone midnight. I cant reach out now. Its too late. She’s probably fast asleep. I could email her, but I’m not going to. I am going to try to manage the feelings. Try to cope. Use all the techniques she has taught me to cope. I miss her. That’s the long and short of it. I miss her and I am dissociating and feeling incredibly unstable right now. I wish I could just hear her say Carol anne, it will be ok, you’ll be ok. But, I am going to imagine her saying that to me. I will imagine her giving me a tight hug, imagine her calming voice. Imagine her steady breath, her steady heartbeat as I cuddle in close to her. I will imagine all that. And I will be ok. I can get through this hard night. I can do it. I just have to have a little faith in myself. In my abilitys. So on that note, I’ll say goodnight, go to bed, and before I sleep, I will listen to eileens guided imagery exercise that she recorded for me. Its ok, I’m ok.