Treatment review

So last night Eileen called me. We had to fill out the questionnaire for my treatment review that Remy is doing, it wasn’t that hard to fill out, Eileen made it super easy, she was great. She really came through for me. I don’t know why I worried so much. I was able to do it, me and Liz both did it together, Eileen said it would be good if Liz did it with me, so she did. And it was fine.
There were 32 questions on the questionnaire, all to do with symptoms of a dissociative disorder. You had to say how much you experienced the symptoms within the past week, from 0 to 100 percent. I think I did ok but a lot of our answers were like 50 percent up to 80 percent. We had only 2 100’s out of 32 questions.
Eileen told me she also had to fill one out for Remy, about her experiences of treating us, I am now wondering what she said on hers, I didn’t ask her. I didn’t want to just in case she wasn’t able to say what she put on hers.
But I am glad it is over and done with now. I feel relieved.

Therapy today

WAS A SHITSTORM! WE WERE A DISSOCIATIVE TRIGGERED MESS AND EVERYTHING WAS JUST SO AWFUL. EILEEN WAS GREAT. WE DID GET SOME WORK DONE, AND SOME INSIDERS GOT TO TALK THAT HADNT HAD ANY TIME IN THERAPY BEFORE.
WE MANAGED, BUT IT WAS HELL. I DONT WANT A REPEAT OF IT ANY TIME SOON!
NOW I NEED TO REST. I AM EXHAUSTED.
WILL WRITE SOME MORE LATER THIS AFTERNOON IF I FEEL UP TO IT.
LIZ

This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13

TEXTED EILEEN ON CHRISTMAS!

SO I GOT TO TEXT OUR THERAPIST EILEEN YESTERDAY. I DECIDED I’D TEXT HER TO WISH HER A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

SO I DID! AND SHE TEXTED US BACK TO SAY HAPPY CHRISTMAS, SHE SENT SOME CUTE IMOGIES OF A CHRISTMAS TREE AND SNOWMAN TOO HAHAHA IT WAS SO CUTE!

IM GLAD WE TEXTED HER. EMILY ALSO JUST EMAILED HER THIS MORNING, TO TELL HER ABOUT OUR CHRISTMAS! SHE WANTED TO SHARE WITH HER ABOUT WHAT WE GOT!

IT WAS NICE THAT SHE THOUGHT OF US. IT FELT GOOD TO CONNECT WITH HER ON THE HOLIDAYS!

LIZ

Emily. So excited about giving Eileen a christmas card!

hihihihii everyone
im really excited. im going to give Eileen a Christmas card tomorrow. well actually we got two for her. one of them I made. the other carol anne bought from our friend safiyah who makes beautiful cards.

it taked me a while to make the card. I had fun doing it though. I was able to spend a whole afternoon doing it. I love card making and I enjoyed making Eileen and dr. barry a special card each for Christmas.

plus I got to just be a kid! I got to do things that 12 year old girls do and enjoy doing. that part was good too!

I hope Eileen likes her card. I think she will though. I put a nice message in it too. telling her how much I love her and am so thankful for her support.

well that’s all for now! i’ll let you all know how we got on tomorrow! im sure we’ll have lots to say!
butterfly hugs
loves you,
Emily age 12

Cuz I want her to be proud of me!

I emailed my therapist. I emailed to tell her my good news!
I wanted to share it with her. But more than that, I want her to be proud of me. I know she will be, so whether she actually responds to my email or not…I will know she got it and read it, and is proud of me!
That is enough. I am happy that I can email her. I am happy to be able to share my great news with the person I trust the most in the world!
She might not respond to me at all, if she does it will be awesome! Im not hoping that sh e will though. If she does, then it will be a huge surprise!
Im kinda a hot mess right now! Im not sure why. I just feel pretty agitated. I am still super excited though about getting a place on the course!
Just gotta try to stay calm! Deep breaths, carol anne!
And coffee, which is probably making me more agitated!

Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.