A hard session

Therapy was tough today. I went in to the session feeling very muddled. I felt very dissociated and out of it. Eileen noticed right away. She got me to focus on my breathing, again, that was very hard. I’m not good at breating. I often forget to breathe, and then all of a sudden I am gasping for air, today I tried to place my hands on my diaphram and breathe in deeply, and then let the breath out slowly. Eileen practiced with me. She’s really good at breathing. She said she’s had lots of practice at it. I did it a few times before I felt dizzy and had to stop. We talked a lot about our mom and how sick she is. I talked about what it felt like to have to be the one to call the ambulance, and then to have to be the one filling my aunts and sister in on what was going on and how mom was doing. I told Eileen that last Friday mom had said she knew I’d be level headed, and that is why she asked me to sit with her, she was scared, and she knew I wouldnt let her get too ill before I called an ambulance. Eileen said, so she needed you, and you were there for her. She values you, not just as her daughter but as someone who in a hard situation can be calm and level headed…how does that make you feel? I dont know how I feel. I suppose I should feel good? Because I am valued, and because I have the resources to be level headed in a sticky situation. I mean, when I called the ambulance last weekend, I was very calm, I did not get upset or emotional, I just did what needed to be done. I told Eileen that Liz helped me. She was great. She’s always good when we’re going through tough times as she can be very logical. But she also gets very down on herself, and feels like she isnt worth anything to anyone. Her abuse has taught her that. But Eileen said that that’s not true at all. And she said our mom proved it by what she said to us at the weekend. We talked about halloween, and how this year it wasnt as bad for us as previous years. Probably because there were other things on our mind, mainly our mom. We even slept on halloween which up until now was unheard of for us. I think exhaustion took over though and we just had to sleep. The kids got upset because they wanted to decorate a pumpkin with their mommy, nobody else would do, they wanted to have that special time with their mommy. Obviously we didnt do it, and they were very sad. I tried to comfort them, telling them that there will be other times when we can do fun things with our mom. I felt so bad for them, they had been so brave, embracing halloween, even allowing me to get a pumpkin to decorate it and we were going to post pictures on facebook. I did feel that our session today was really good, I got a lot of stuff off my chest, and I did feel much better, much calmer after the session. I came home, ate dinner, and crashed. I’ve been relaxing for the rest of the evening, and after I write this I am going to go read I think. I don’t feel tired tonight at all so I’m not sure I’ll sleep, but well, maybe later. I see Dr. Barry in the morning, and our CPN Sarah as well. My sister and my dad are also coming over for a while tomorrow. So it’ll be another busy day.