A new book for Eileen to read to us!

Carol anne just bought us a new book for Eileen to read to us when she gets back from her work trip.

I cant wait! I love hearing her read to us! It feels so safe.

The book is about anger. Its called everybody feels angry. And its about dealing with feelings of anger.

Carol anne said it will especially be good for me to read this one with Eileen since I deal with a lot of anger. I love when Eileen reads to me cuz she explains things in the book, like pictures and stuff. And as she reads we talk about feelings!

Its pretty cool! Now I am excited for the 19th to come so I can read with her!

The book is gonna be delivered on the 15th! Yay!

So happy to have a new book to read!

Allie

Too anxious to go to therapy

We never got to therapy this morning. I woke up in a very unsettled place. I got a few hours of sleep but not a lot of it. So I woke up feeling off. Feeling like shit. Feeling unstable and very full of anxiety.

So we didn’t go. I texted Eileen to tell her I wasn’t coming in. And she hasn’t texted me back. Now my irrational brain says she’s mad I didn’t come in. She’s mad at me for not showing up.

I know there’s probably another reason why she hasn’t texted me back, but I’m afraid to text again or email her to ask her what happened and why she hasn’t responded to me. Normally she would, so its not like she usually doesn’t.

I wish I hadn’t been so anxious. I really needed my session today. Especially since we don’t have one next week as Eileen is in the UK on training. Damn anxiety anyway. I bloody hate it.

If I don’t hear anything from her by tonight I’ll send an email. Maybe she just got busy and thought she was after responding to my message already.

Who knows. All I know right now is I am feeling very very on edge. Anxious and unsettled and not ok.

Doing some EMDR

therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.

Slept well, surprise surprise!

so I got a great nights sleep! couldn’t believe it!
went to bed at around 11 PM last night. fell asleep right away!
I honestly didn’t think I’d sleep at all! I was wired before I went to bed! And I hadn’t even had any caffeine!
But thankfully it all worked out, and because I slept so well I was able to get up at 7:30 this morning, I jumped out of bed!
Therapy in an hour. Am wondering how todays session will go. I’m sure it will be ok. I’m a little apprehensive though about it.
This morning I am thankful for a good nights sleep. I am thankful for a nice big bowl of porridge to warm me up. And I am thankful that I am going to see Eileen soon.

THERAPY PHONE CHECK IN

ITS LIZ. I EMAILED EILEEN THIS MORNING. I AM SO WORRIED ABOUT EMILY. I AM AFRAID FOR HER AFRAID SHE WILL TRY SOMETHING. SHE CAN BE QUITE IMPULSIVE. SO I EMAILED AND I ASKED EILEEN IF WE CAN HAVE A PHONE CHECK IN SOME TIME THIS WEEK IF THAT WAS OK WITH HER.

SHE JUST TEXTED ME A FEW MINUTES AGO TO SAY SHE’S AVAILABLE TONIGHT AT 6:30 IF I WANTED TO CALL HER THEN. SO WE’LL HAVE A CHECK IN CALL THEN WITH HER. HOPING THAT WILL HELP US.

I LOVE HOW SHE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH FOR US. SHE’S JUST AN AMAZING THERAPIST AND WE’RE SO SO LUCKY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE HER WHO MAKES TIME FOR US IN BETWEEN SESSIONS WHEN WE ARE STRUGGLING. THAT FACT DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED BY US.

SO I AM HOPEFUL THAT THE CHECK IN TONIGHT WILL DO SOME GOOD. ALONG WITH OUR EMAILS. OF WHICH THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT ALREADY. EILEENS OK WITH THAT THOUGH. SHE HAS SAID WE CAN EMAIL HER AS MUCH AS WE NEED TO. SHE KNOWS IT IS SOME INSIDERS ONLY WAY OF EXPRESSING HOW THEY FEEL.

LIZ

Therapy session. Ash talks

hi, im ash, im 18 years old.

im feeling very tired. i had most of our therapy session today. it was good, good but very draining.

we talked a lot about emily and emilys system. for those of you who dont know me I am one of emilys insiders, I am a dark.

I did something that I probably shouldnt have done over the weekend. I responded to an email from a past abuser. I did it for one reason and one reason only. I did it to protect Emily.

She would have hurt herself. She would have tried to commit suicide. She is very suicidal right now, and when the email came in from a past abuser over the weekend it had instructions in it for us to do something bad to the body.

I couldnt let that happen. I couldnt let emily self destruct. I just couldnt. So I pretended I was going to follow through with the instructions. I responded pretending to be Emily, the email was directed at her you see.

I pretended to be her and I managed to get them to quit bugging us. They think we’re probably going to off ourselves. Obviously we’re not though.

So I was only trying to do good. I talked to Eileen about it today. She completely got it. She completely got why I did what I did.

I am glad she wasnt mad that I responded. She said it made total sense to her why I’d do that. Why I’d respond to them. I was protecting emily from harming us.

Now I have to watch Emily closely and make sure she doesnt act on suicidal urges this week. She did make an agreement with eileen that she wouldnt. She also doesnt want to disappoint eileen so that helps that she’s wanting to do it so as not to make eileen feel disappointed in us. Eileen said she wasnt disappointed in us though.

I’m glad. Eileen matters to me. It matters to me that we are here and that we stay alive. So I will do everything in my power to keep us alive if I can!

Ash