worry worry

I am so worried. I have so much on my mind. I feel so anxious.

I worry about volunteering, if I am good enough at it. I worry about whether my clients will be ok, I worry for them when I am not at work, I know I shouldn’t take my work home but I cant help it.

I worry about Nitro. He’s 8 now. He’s coming up for retirement. I hate that he has to retire. I mean I want him to live out his last years of life comfortably, but I don’t want to think about him dying, getting sick, etc. I worry constantly about that.

I worry about my mental health. I am very symptomatic right now. Very much so. I worry what if things don’t improve, what then?

I guess I am full of worries this morning. Its a lot to think about.

Not sorry

Today I am not sorry I have a mental illness. I didn’t ask for it. I have it and so be it. I am so pleased I was strong enough to cope with my abuse by dissociating and creating alters. If I didn’t do that, I might be dead now. I most likely wouldn’t have survived the abuse at all.

There is something to be said for resilience, and doing something creative to cope. I am glad I have so much resilience in me. For that, I am grateful.

Life is hard tonight

Im swimming in pain right now. Grief. Pain and memories and trauma. Ug. This is hard. This is shit. I feel like crap.

Im trying to distract. I have a show on tv and Im trying to watch it. Its not really working. Think now is the time I wish I had some meds that’d knock me out. Some PRN meds.

I used to take Haldol PRN. But now I don’t. Now I wish I did.

I may ask dr. barry for some tomorrow. I hope she’ll ok it.

I really wish I did not feel so bad. It feelsjust so horrible.

Well um this makes me think?

Some may have spent more time in the fire than others, but…

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“You aren’t special.
Everyone, every damn person
that’s ever lived,
has licked the flames of hell
at some point
and returned in singed shreds.
The real question
I’d like an answer to is this:
are you using your pain as an excuse
or as a source of strength?
-Marisa B Crane”