Lunch time post

A quick post. I’m sitting here, coffee in hand. Just had a bite to eat, quickly, in between appointments. Just had a very hard morning. College was tough today. We were discussing a lot about the brain, emotions, CBT, and anxiety. It was a lot to take in.

My brain is just a little bit fried, lol.

Tiredness is also playing a part. I am completely exhausted but running on auto pilot. I know what is going to happen. I am going to get overtired, and then later tonight when I want to sleep I wont be able to.

I need to run soon. I have an apt with dr. barry at 3. Need to talk to her about our emotional state. How overwhelmed we’ve been lately. About the darks and therapy and contacting abusers. About the loss of some of our clients recently, she doesn’t know about the recent losses of our friendly call clients, she only knows of one of them.

Its going to be a busy apt I think. I am really looking forward to getting her perspective on things.

Now I will sit here and slowly drink my coffee and breathe.

I can do this, I can, I can!

Dr. Barry apt. End of year reflections

Today was our last apt with dr. barry for 2018. It was a very full apt. I had a lot to discuss with her. I had to tell her a few things. Mainly about the fact that we’d made our statement to the police about the car crash we were in last October. Also that we’d had our medical for the injury board. We talked through all this. She said we seemed to be dealing with things well. I agreed that yes we are. I told her making the statement wasn’t actually that bad. My mom and sister both came in with us and the guard who took the statements was the one who had been originally on the scene the afternoon of the accident so he knew what had happened. He sorta helped us with the statements. She said that was good of him. We talked about our sleep, I told her its non existent. We’re basically just trying to sleep where we can, trying to get whatever small amount of sleep we can get. She gave me another prescription for more fenergan. She told me to please take it over Christmas, not to go for nights on end with no sleep. I agreed I would. I hate taking it because it makes me groggy in the mornings but I will take it over Christmas time if I have too. I will be doing less stuff over the Christmas period anyway so being groggy in the mornings wont really be an issue. I am only groggy if I take 50 MG of it so maybe the answer is to just stick to 25 mg of it. We talked about the loss of my client in friendly call to suicide. She was very understanding. I told her I keep replayihng our last conversation in my head. Wondering why I didn’t see the signs. Why I never saw it coming. She said sometimes you don’t. I told her that I thought since I dealt with similar issues that I should be more able to spot the signs. She said no. That sometimes there just is no signs. That I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. Easier said than done though. I keep going through all the what ifs in my head. What if we’d done this or that or what if we could have prevented it. I do realise we couldn’t though and that’s the hard part. We talked about thearpy and our last end of year therapy session. I told her now we’re on break for a few weeks. I was telling her how when I had found out about my client how good Eileen had been to me, checking in with me and getting me through it. We talked about the mix up around my appointments. She apologised for the fact that I’d had to deal with a totally new receptionist. Since they’ve moved, there are some new staff that have come on bord, who don’t know the way things work. I said it was ok. The fact is I’d gotten here and gotten in to see her before Christmas which is what I was hoping would happen. And of course she told me about dr. Lawler. Which I am deeply saddened about. She said he was going to be really missed by so so many people. I can see why. He was an incredible doctor, an incredibly kind caring man. Only 49 years old. Its just an awful loss to his family, a terrible loss. We also talked about us starting college. We’re going to be changing our apts to the afternoon in the new year. So that was the gyst of it. Another year of seeing dr. barry done and dusted. In 2019 it will be our sixth year of working together. I don’t know where I’d be without her. She’s such an incredibly understanding, kind, caring, compassionate person and doctor. She really gets up. She always validates us and our experiences and our diagnosis. I am blessed to have her as my treating psychiatrist. I am just so lucky and I realise that every single day.

dr. barry

saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
carol anne

Comparisons between our different psychiatrists

We have had a few psychiatrists over the years. Because we are in the public health system, things change a lot. When your going private, usually you see the same person for years. This hasn’t been the way it is for us.

We started with Dr M. She was quite a nice person. A little set in her ways, but we liked her. Then again, we were young, and very unwell, we’d have literally done anything that anyone told us, just to feel better and become well again. We first saw her for a year. She put us on meds. She made us go to therapy. Unfortunately back then we had a severe eating issue, we didn’t eat or wouldnt eat hardly at all. We were severely underweight. The therapist she made us go to was attached to the mental health services, and so wasn’t very good. We didn’t like that she would constantly weigh us, and focused on nothing but our ED. She never asked why it was we didn’t want to eat, or why it was that we were so suicidal, or we didn’t want to live. After a year of seeing Dr M, she deamed us well enough not to see her any more. Within the year though we almost got hospitalised to the psych ward once, we narrowly escaped that because our mom didn’t want us to go in there and she would not agree and because we were only 17, she had the final say. After stopping going to Dr M, we were out of therapy for a while too. Eventually we got back into therapy when our memories started to hit us full force. The memories of the SRA and MC and other abuses were plaguing us and causing us to have terrible flashbacks. So we entered into therapy again, this time with a wonderful therapist, who ended up devastating Shirley, and causing a system collapse. But we do still think she was amazing, she did so much with us in the 9 months that we saw her. She was instrumental in us getting a diagnosis of did. But inevitably it ended, and not very wel I might add. She said she lost her objectivity around our case. She did however get us back in to see dr m, and be assessed for a did diagnosis. Dr M didn’t know much about did, but she assessed us and diagnosed us with the disorder mostly based on our therapists account, as we weren’t really able to give her a lot of info, but we’d been seeing our therapist twice weekly and she’d met some parts insiders and had more of a full picture of how things were for us at that time. We then found out that Dr M was retiring. Dr D took over. It was a major change for us because he was a male psychiatrist. We didn’t think we’d be able to connect with him or trust him. But we actually did manage to get very familiar with him, and we saw him for five years. He was a pretty good doctor as psychiatrists go. He was the first doctor to hospitalise us, he also tried us on lots of medications, and we did lots of outpatient groups while under his care, we also had brain scans, and other tests, just to make sure we actually did have did and not something else. He tried to get us admitted to a unit in the UK specifically for did, but they refused to take us because of our blindness. They said our blindness would complicate things and they wouldn’t be able to accommodate us. After Dr D went to a new catchment area in 2007, dr C took over. She was only ok. We had a lot of ups and downs with her when we were under her care. One time Ro who is one of our darker insiders, threatened to kill her, of course that caused a load of problems, after those threats she refused to see us alone any more and would always bring a nurse with her when she saw us after that. Despite the ups and downs though, we did like her and got along with her. In 2010 when we had our formal diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder from the specialists who came over from the UK, she was there for part of the assessment. She believed in did. She spoke to insiders in our system…she saw us and understood us. But in 2013 she moved to Australia. That is when Dr Barry took over our care. And I can honestly say she is the best psychiatrist we’ve ever had. She just gets it. She is a great listener, and knows exactly the right things to say. She is friendly, and she is real. The fact that she is real is really important to us. She’s not afraid to let her emotions show either. She is just an all round good psychiatrist and I feel very lucky to have her. We all do. We’ve had a lot of therapists and psychiatrists I know. But I can honestly say that each of them brought something new to our treatment, each of them played a part in who we are today.

When your psychiatrist demonstrates love for you

we always knew she loved us but…

it feels different. today she did the most amazing thing which showed us how much she cares.

we were walking out with her up to the reception desk to make our next appointment.

as she left us at the desk, she squeezed our hand.

“take care, Carol anne”

And happy Christmas. As she said this she reached over and hugged me.

Have an amazing time, ok?

I almost broke down. It was such a simple gesture but one that meant everything to me.

She really cares. we have been seeing her for four years this month. it sure doesn’t seem that long.

Thanks dr. Barry for everything you do for us. You are one in a million.

Pointless appointment with a stand in psychiatrist

So I know I mentioned here that Dr Barry was on holidays this week. And I was supposed to be seeing her junior doctor, xuliana. So today was the day I was meant to be seeing her. So I left my house at 3 PM and got there for about 10 past. Sat down and waited. Five minutes passed and a male doctor came and called me. I asked him where Xuliana was, because I was meant to be seeing her. He said there was a crisis and she was caught up in something and couldnt see me. So then I had to see him. We went into dr Barrys office and he told me he was Dr Walsh, and he was a consultant and was standing in for Dr Barry this week. Then he started asking me about my blindness. How long was I blind? Did I have any sight at all? Yada yada you know how it goes. After I told him I was premature then he was all like how prematurity can cause blindness. I was like hell are you an eye doctor or a psychiatrist! Then his phone rang and he said he had to take it. I presume it was something to do with the crisis that Xuliana was caught up in. So he goes off out of the room and starts talking on the phone. And I am sitting there going why the hell did I come at all! Finally he comes back and we talk. For all of five minutes. He asked me what my diagnosis was and I told him I had did and ptsd. Then he’s like oh, and how many personalities are there? I didnt want to totally freak him out so I said about 50, but there are way more than that. He was like 50? Thats a lot. And then he was like so how are you, how have things been? So I didnt want to really get into stuff so I just swaid this week was difficult because this month is hard for us and I left it at that. I told him I was seeing Eileen and that I see Dr Barry weekly. He said seeing a psychotherapist was probably a good idea. Then he said there isnt much I can do. I was like no kidding, lol. I wasnt expecting him to do anything. I was going to ask him to refer me to the weekend service but then I decided against it. I’ll be at my mom and dads house for the majority of the weekend anyway so there really is no need. I thought to myself though, thank god I dont have this man as my doctor because I’d go nuts. I know he doesnt really know me and maybe he’d be ok if he did but I dunno he seemed pretty clueless to me. Somehow we got on to how long I’d been diagnosed with did, and so I ended up telling him about my unofficial diagnosis and then how I got my official diagnosis in 2010. He kept asking stupid questions like which persona goes to college. Eventually I said to him that actually he wasnt talking to shirley and that I carol anne was the personality who was most dominant and that I go to the appointments with Dr Barry weekly but that she will talk to anyone who has something to say. Then he was all like oh I see, well Dr Barry knows you well, she’s very clever. I felt like saying yeah dude way cleverer than you are. But I was a good girl and patient and kept my mouth shut. LoL. Eventually he said we had to finish up because he had to deal with the crisis, so off I went. I did ask him to walk me as far as the front desk which he did but he seemed so preoccupied with this crisis, whatever it was. Plus another thing he was doing was texting while I was talking. That fucking irked me and I felt like saying could you stop fucking texting while I am trying to talk? But again I said nothing. He was so inattentive though. I’m just glad its over now but it really was pretty pointless and I feel I wasted my time going. I also wasted my money on taxi’s. I’ll be mentioning all this to Dr Barry next week. I’ll definitely be glad when she’s back.