when your dad tries to convince his daughters he’s not an alcoholic

so a couple of days ago my sister and me were in the car with dad. we were driving to my parents house. all of a sudden my dad said, i dont drink a lot. if i drink by day, then i dont drink at night. me and laura just sat there with our mouths open. because that is so far from the truth. if he goes out to a pub by day for 3 pints, then the same night he’ll drink cans of beer at home. it was like he was telling us this, and he really believed what he was saying. i said nothing, but i wanted to. laura said something to pacify him. that sorta denial and hiding things drives me crazy. he is an alcoholic, thre is no getting away from that fact. no he doesnt drink half as much as he did a couple years ago. but he’s still a bad alcoholic. so why is he trying to convince us he isnt? why, when we are adults now, and we know the truth? he’s just lying to himself, and believing his own lies. how sad is that?

allie, i had a meltdown tonight

its allie. well my long name is alicia, but my friends and other people either call me allie or licia or lish or trouble hahahah.
i’m feelin sad tonight. i realy want to know if eileen is safe. i worry that she isnt. specially with all the bad stuff going on on the news.
i was going to text her tonight. but carol anne said no. then that made me mad. because i dont like when the bigs here make rules stupid rules that we gotta follow.
so then i had a melt down. those melt downs arent pretty. i broke some things. i threw my stuffed animals all over the room. i turned a couple of drawers up side down and all of my art supplies and stickers and stuff fell onto the floor. i didnt care. it felt good to release the anger.
the room was a huge mess though after my outburst. i couldnt clean it. i was crying too hard.
i needed a hug from eileen. i needed her to tell me its ok, and i am safe. and she is here. carol anne says i need to talk to her on the phone this thursday. tell her what I did.
i guess i can do that
sometimes i hate myself for being so needy and clingy and a baby and wanting eileen and dr. barry to adopt me and be my forever mom. the pain is unbearable and every part of my body physically hurts.
i just feel like crap tonight.

one week to go

one week until i see eileen again. i cant wait. it seems so long since I’ve seen her.
really I know its only been 2 weeks, but it seems longer. I think partly thats because I never saw dr. Barry last week either due to my damn ptsd flaring up.
At least this coming week I will have a phone check in with Eileen on Thursday. I think she’s already back from her holiday. I’m tempted to text her but I probably wont. But I’m really tempted to just to ask her if she’s ok and safe, to put my mind at ease.
I might just email her instead. It seems less intrusive. i dont want to bother her while she might be still on holiday.
I’m proud of myself and of us as a system for getting through these past two weeks. It wasnt easy. But we did it and we’re ok. We managed.
I think Eileen will be proud of us too.

A night out last night

this weekend has been a good one. I’m doing my usual thing, at my parents house until Monday. I went out last night with my mom and sister and aunt. We went out to celebrate my sisters birthday which was last week, but she wasnt able to celebrate it then so we did it last night. We had a great night. We just went to a local pub and there was supposed to be a DJ playing but then he canceled at the last minute but it didnt matter, we spent the evening chatting. I intended not to drink. I was drinking sparkling water with lime in it. Just because I am trying to lose weight. But then my sister was like cant you just have one? So eventually I gave in and I had 2 malaboos with 7 up. I think we got home after 2 AM. I enjoyed myself though. I felt good, positive even. I hope I can keep that momentum going into today.

mom had a follow up consult with her lung specialist today she got all of her results and its good news!

i am just home from being at the hospital with my mom. she saw her lung specialist. she has moderate emphacema and also COPD. her lungs are only functioning at 40 percent…she has lost 60 percent of her lung function. doctor told her not to smoke any more, she isnt, but is using an E cig, he said the E cigs are 95 percent safer than regular cigarettes. the doctor also told her to go walking for half an hour every day and that will help her, so both of us are going to do it together, me to lose weight and her to help her lungs. other than those results everything else is clear…there is no cancer. she was discharged from the specialist no further consultations needed unless another problem occurs and if that happens her gp can refer her back to him again.
To say I am happy is an understatement. Relief flooded through me when we got the results!