Yesterday we saw dr barry. Remember Jasmine was suicidal? Well she was going to talk to her. But Dr Barry said she thought that since Jasmine was doing therapy with Eileen at present, that there would be little value right now in her also talking with her. She said that it is better for consistency if Jasmine sticks to doing one thing for now, and maybe in a few weeks when things calm down that she can talk to her then. Jasmine was ok with that although she was a little bit upset as she did want to talk and was building herself up to it. Dr Barry said she was mindful of a conversation we’d had months ago where I’d told her that sometimes I leave our sessions feeling traumatised and overwhelmed and unable to cope, so that is why she was being careful. She said while she knows Jasmine is struggling big time right now, and she appreciates that she is, that her working with Eileen is probably a better option for now, and what we get from our sessions with eileen, and what we get from our sessions with Dr Barry are very different. I dont really agree, but I didnt say so. I think to be honest that Dr Barry is like our second therapist, although I dont think she sees it that way. But we do discuss really deep things with her, intimate datails of abuse, etc. So she asked me how I was doing, she said it was very important that I was ok and coping, since I am the main front person, who manages college day to day, deals with the world on a daily basis. I said I wasnt ok, that Jasmines feelings were filtering through to me and it was very unsettling. She said the best thing for me to do is to accept that Jasmine needs to go through what she’s going through in regards to the suicidal thoughts and urges, she needs to work on them and process her feelings and I need to accept that this is where she’s at for now and it wont always be this way but for now it is. She encouraged me to use my emotion regulation techniques, I told her I was trying but I wasnt getting very far. She said I have a lot of skills at my disposal and that even though I cant seem to use them very much now, that I do have them and tapping into them would be the key. I told her my sleep patterns were off and she asked me if I’d go on sleep meds for 2 weeks, just to try to regulate them again. So I agreed to that and she gave me zimovane 7.5 MG for two weeks. She said that med only stays in your system for 4 hours at a time, so if I took one and then woke up again and wasnt able to go back to sleep that I could take another. I’m not thrilled that I have to take sleep meds but if it helps in the long run I suppose I will do it. She said we’d review again in two weeks to see where things are at. We talked about college and I told her how stressed I am about the module I am doing now, which is excel. I told her I feel like I am doing all the work, fighting for my needs to be met, telling the tutors everything I need, giving them solutions to the ongoing problems etc. I feel I am doing it all on my own without much help and its totally stressing me out. She said that despite everything going on for us right now, we’re relatively stable and she told me thats what she’s been putting in our notes of late, that despite all the ongoing emotional distress we’re relatively stable and she told me I should be very proud of how well I am managing things. She had to get a script from zuliana her junior doctor because she ran out of scripts and when she came back to write out the script she told me that the previous day at the hospital they’d had the sniffer dogs from the customs unit in to sniff for drugs because they are having a problem with drugs on the ward in the hospital. I wish I could have been there to see that. The reason she told me that was because she said the dog reminded her of Nitro. I’m seeing her again next week on wednesday at 4. While I waited for my taxi to go home Mark my OT came along and we chatted for a few minutes. He said he was going to phone me today to see how things were, so he was glad to have caught me just then. My taxi came then so we didnt talk for long but I did get to tell him about how stressed I was and he told me to buzz him on Friday if I needed to. I do feel really supported by my mental health team and I am glad of that.
I just want to die. How come no one understands? I constantly feel like death is the only answer. Its horrible to wake up every day feeling suicidal. I tried to have fun last weekend, and I sorta did, but once I got home the horrible suicidal feelings returned. Maybe I’m just not meant to be happy. Maybe my life isnt meant to turn around. Our therapist says once I talk about the memories, let them go, that I will feel better. I am beginning to doubt that very much. Now that I have started sharing in therapy the flood gates have opened. Does it get worse before it gets better? Can anyone tell me? I dont think I can do this for much longer. I just want an end to the pain.
day 17: Post about your zodiac sign and whether it fits you
I dont really believe in horroscopes and never really read mine. Very occasionally I will but only if I’m not in a negative frame of mind as I think if your in a bad space or not in a good headspace then it really is not a good idea to read your horroscope.
My zodiac sign is aeries though. My birthday is on April 19th.
I got home Sunday evening from Dublin. I was sad the weekend was over but it was good to be home too. Nitro jumped all over me when he saw me. It is safe to say, I think he was glad to see me. I felt good having had the break away. I felt refreshed and recharged. Late Sunday evening Jasmine, who is an insider who is preoccupied with death and suicide was close to the front and started feeling apathetic and depressed and was thinking again about death and dying. She didnt plan anything but the thoughts were there and they started filtering through to me and making me feel bad. I told her to try to think about the nice things we’d done over the weekend, that she’d been part of. She did try but it wasnt working for her and she could not shake the preoccupation and the thoughts of ending it. Eventually she emailed our therapist and told her how she felt. I didnt sleep very much last night due to all this going on. Then in the middle of the night I started to feel kinda sick. My stomach started acting up. At first I thought it was a reaction to Jasmines feelings but soon it was clear that it wasnt. I’m not sure what caused it whether it was something we ate or the amount of alcohol we drank but we felt sick for hours. I didnt go in to college yesterday. I mostly slept all day. I feel much better now and will go in to college this morning. I need to finish up my team work portfolio. I have a little bit to do on it and it is due on Thursday and I dont want it hanging over my head so will do it today.
I wanted to tell everyone about my new group that I just created. It is an email support group called the book nook. It is a group where we will discuss the books we’re currently reading, or have recently read.
I’d love it if you’d join me there. As I said its an email group so all messages go through email. It would be good to hear about what people are reading, or like to read. That way we can find out about new authors, or new genres of books.
If you’d like to join the group leave a comment here and I will send you an invite to it.
Well guys I am in Dublin. I am having a blast. I went with my mom, sister, and some of my sisters partners family. We went to celebrate my sisters partners moms 60th birthday. We took the train yesterday morning to Dublin. It takes 3 hours to get there by train. Some of the people drove and they took our luggage so we didnt have to carry it. When we got there I asked mom if she wanted to take a cab to our hotel. The hotel was outside the city. She said no, that we’d get the bus into the city centre and then get a tram to where our hotel was. All very well, and thats what we did, but it took us 2 hours to get to the hotel. When we got off the tram we had to walk for 20 minutes to get to the hotel. My sister looked up google maps on her phone and we followed their directions. Its a real posh hotel. We got a good deal though. For two nights bed and breakfast and one evening meal it was 130 euro. Thats pretty cheap for somewhere in Dublin. When we finally arrived we checked in to the room and then we went to the bar. It was just my mom and sister and me who got the bus and tram to the hotel. The rest were either driving and some of them went shopping in the city centre. As I said we hit the bar and had a ball. The drinks in the bar were really pricy but I had some strawberry daquiries which were delicious. I must have had 5 of them altogether. At one point last night the price of the daquiries rose from 7.50 per drink to 11.50. I couldnt believe that but I had to take the drink since it was already made up. I cant wait to tell my dad that I payed 11.50 for one drink. He’ll go nuts. We ate in the hotel restaurant last night. It was a thai food restaurant. I had pad thai which was yummy. It had chicken and prawns in it and noodles and a sauce and vegetables. We stayed in the bar for the rest of the night. The place was buzzing and the atmosphere was amazing. Lots of our insiders were so happy to be able to let their hair down. Especially Liz. I think I finally went to bed at like 2 AM. But I only slept for about 3 hours. Mom and I shared a room and mom doesnt sleep very well either so we were both up at 5:30 AM. Today we’re going to a local shopping mall to do some christmas shopping. We’re also going to the movies to see brooklyn. I’m looking forward to seeing it. It sounds like it is a good movie with a good story line. Then tonight I bet we hit the bar again. Right now mom is getting ready to go down for breakfast. I’m already showered and dressed and am just waiting for her. Cant wait to see what breakfast will consist of since the hotel is really posh. I took lots of pictures last night. I already posted all of them to facebook. Its just so nice to get away for the weekend and have some fun. I really needed the break after all the hard work at college the last few weeks. Also after the hard dates that just passed.
I saw Karen O this morning for my nutritional appointment. The bad news is I have put on 5 pounds over the past couple of weeks. I am disappointed, but I was prepared. I knew I’d put on some weight. We said that I should enjoy my weekend and then start next Monday with the healthy eating plan again. So thats what I am gonna do. I am gonna use lesitan seeds because they help break down fat. Since I dont have a gall bladder I need help to break the fat down. I have goals for next week to lose 1 to 2 pounds, drink more water, and use the seeds with each meal. I hope I can reach my goals. I felt bad for gaining the weight but I know we all slip sometimes so I am trying to not beat myself up about it. I knew I had a lot going on these past couple of weeks so it was bound to happen. Now all I can do is do my best to get back on track again