Its Jasmine. I wanted to write about therapy. Yesterday I talked to Eileen. I talked for almost all of our session. It was hard but I was able to talk and I felt better afterwords.
We talked about programming. and suicide. I told Eileen that I felt bad because I was always wishing I was dead or thinking about ways to die. Eileen said that must be a terrible burden to carry. She asked me if I’d like to experience life as it is now. Like if I’d like to do things and experience what life is like for us now. I said yes I would. So then we did an exercise to try to give me a glimpse in to our current life. It was so overwhelming. When Carol anne came back out Eileen asked her if she’d help me to experience some fun this weekend. And she said she would. That will be cool. I’ve never experienced any fun times. Mostly when I am out it is all about death, dying, and suicide. I cant imagine what it will be like to experience something fun and enjoyable. I’m willing to try though.
I also asked eileen if we could continue to work on my programming in therapy over the next couple of weeks to try to break some of it. She said yes and that she wants to help me and she’s happy that I want to finally be free and break free from the abusers and the abuse.
So after a long extended break I am going back to my nutritionist tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I’ve been so horrible about eating healthily lately. Its been a crazy few weeks. I havent been mindful of my eating habits. I know I’ve gained some weight. I was doing so well and I hate to take a step backwards but oh well. Things happen. I will just have to start over. If my weight wasnt such a huge trigger, it would be easier. Unfortunately it is though. I think the best thing I can do now is just be totally honest with my nutritionist. Tell her exactly how things have been these past few weeks. Hopefully talking about it will help somehow. The other thing I can do is go in there with a positive attitude. Yes I’ve been horrible about what I eat lately, but that doesnt mean its the end of the world. Next week is a new week and a new week means a new start.
A- Age:body age 35, insiders of all ages in here
B- Biggest fear: Ending up dead due to comitting suicide
C- Current time: 6:31 AM
D- Drink you last had: Coffee
E- Every day starts with: checking my phone
F- Favorite song: Hello by Adelle
G- Ghosts, are they real: Yes
H- Hometown: Cork, Ireland
I- In love with: My family most of the time, I love my psychiatrist and therapist and friends in a non sexual way
J- Jealous of: People who have their sight
K- Kids: none
L- Last time you cried: Its been about a week
M- Middle name: Majella
N- Number of siblings: 1 younger sister
O- One wish: To be happy
P- Person you last called: My partner
Q- Question you’re always asked: whats it like to be blind?
R- Reason to smile: my dog Nitro
S- Song last sang: taylor swifts new song cant remember the name of it now lol
T- Time you woke up: 5 AM
U- Underwear Color: Nude
V- Vacation destination: I’d love to go to australia
W- Worst habit: Overanalysing
X- X-Rays you’ve had: chest
Y- Your favorite food: any pasta dish, pizza, chilli cheese burgers, taco fries
Z- Zodiac sign: Aries
We saw Dr Barry yesterday. I was nervous all day before our appointment. I had to build myself up to it. I kept thinking something would go wrong or I wouldnt be able to talk to her like I usually can. But I neednt have worried. She was in a really good mood when she came to get me from the waiting room. When we went in to the office and sat down she simply asked me how I was doing and I was able to start and open up quite easily.
I told her about last week. About how after we did up the report and worked on it that parts got really triggered and some were even suicidal. She asked me to explain to her how that manifested so I did. She listened and then she said she was not going to send the report. That she felt it would be in our best interests not to send it right now. That we were too fragile and she didnt want to unsettle us further. That maybe in a few months things would be different. But for now she would not submit it.
I told her I didnt want her to get in to any trouble. That I knew the police were requesting this and if she didnt comply would she get into trouble because I certainly didnt want that. She said not to worry, that if they sent a letter to her she would deal with it, but that I shouldnt worry about her and whether not submitting the report would cause her to get into trouble, that if they wrote to her she’d just tell them we werent emotionally ready and that is why she was waiting.
I told her how liz, one of our parts had said that the police really didnt care anyway, because it had been a year since they wrote to her and in that year they hadnt wrote back to see what the status of the report was or whether it was close to being done. Liz thinks they just dont care about us so that is why they didnt bother. Dr Barry said its probably that the information is sitting on someones desk and wont be looked at unless the report goes in to them. Either way we’re very unsure. We’ve had bad experiences with the police in the past and now we just dont trust them.
But the main thing? Dr Barry wants us to feel safe. She doesnt want us unsettled and feeling overwhelmed or like its all too much for us. She is ensuring our safety and I am so grateful to her for that.
The rest of the appointment we spent talking about college, therapy, sleep, my upcoming weekend away, family, etc. We jumped around a lot from one thing to another. I think I was in with her for over an hour. Mark our OT has left a note in our file about last weeks meeting which Dr Barry read out to me. It was so nice to hear him talk about us exceling in our exams, and doing so well. It made me have a warm feeling inside.
There is a really bad storm at the moment. Its been going on all night long. It eased for a while earlier but now it seems to be getting worse again. Its rain and wind and yucky weather. When I went to let Nitro out this morning he looked at me like I was nuts. He did not want to go out in that weather! I woke up at 4:30 AM and I turned on my heating it was so cold. I decided to leave a couple minutes early for college so that I could try to avoid the traffic. Unfortunately that didnt work. We ended up caught in traffic. I think the rain and wind made the traffic worse. I really need to work on my portfolio for team work this morning. Its due next Thursday and I still have a lot to do to finish it. I’m going away for the weekend to Dublin just for a break with family so I need to get as much as possible done before I go. I’m looking forward to the weekend. I feel like I need the break to recharge my batteries.
I’ll be seeing Dr Barry today. And I am so nervous. The truth is doing up the police report last time really triggered us. And I need to talk to her about that. And part of me screams no. I dont want to. I want to forget it. I dont wanna go there. But I cant forget it. The report is real. And soon it will be sent to the police, and my info will be out there. And there is no hiding from that. I need to let Dr Barry know how suicidal parts were because of the report. How just having info about our diagnosis, and our current difficulties going out to people that dont know us very well, is so scary to us. I know she’ll understand. So why am I so scared to talk to her about it? Why does it feel so risky? She has done an awesome job with the report. She wrote it in a way that makes things real but also portrays us well. I guess its just the realness of it. The fact that now these strangers know things about us, about our life, about where we’ve been…it just somehow feels bad or wrong or not ok. I wonder if she’s sent it in yet. Its the doing of it, and then the waiting for what will happen next, its all just so overwhelming. I think the best thing to do today is just blurt everything out to her. And take it from there. Dont hold back, easier said than done. I think what I need to remember is that she is on our side. She wants us to be able to trust her and talk to her and she will do what she can to help us feel safe. Deep down I know that and I do believe it.
Day 16: Something that you miss
I miss not being able to talk to my partner every day. Right now she is in a psychiatric nursing home and we dont get to talk on the phone so often. Its hard and I miss our deep conversations.