Allie and Eileen working together with parts

i got to spend some time in therapy today with eileen. it went like this.
eileen: how are you today allie?
me: very sad. i just want to live with you, and, i dont want to share you!
eileen: i get that allie. and thats ok.
me: my words are not there today, i’m really struggling to talk.
Eileen: you know, I knew that somehow? Without you saying it, I just knew.
me: but how! How did you know?
Eileen: an image of an infant came into my mind. a non verbal infant, does that sound right?
me: yes! yes it does! Thats what i feel like!
Eileen: i get that want allie. that little infant is part of you. and she just wants her mother, she just wants to be held, cared for, cared about.
me: yeah, but its you i want, you to be my mom! is that bad?
eileen: no, not at all. i understand how you would want me and only me.
me: i broke some things at home this week. i got mad, and i broke a lamp and some of my toys.
Eileen: how old did you feel while you broke them?
me: about 2 or 3.
Eileen: that 2 or 3 year old is a part of you too! and she is finding it really difficult to hold on, hold on to the fact that I am coming back, and I am still here.
me: yes. Yes she is. She cant figure out how your coming back. Waiting from friday until Monday feels like a life time.
Eileen: can we imagine her and imagine you sitting her on your lap?
me: ok.
eileen: what would you say to her?
me: i’d tell her she is safe, and thats its ok to be scared, and its ok to be mad, that i get it, and i understand.
Eileen: and i understand too. i am here for her too.
me, almost crying, eileen, i can really feel her.
Eileen: hang on a second while I get something ok?
me: um, yeah, ok.
Eileen then starts to go over to her desk and roots around in it.
me: what are you doing?

eileen coming back over to sit by me.
Eileen: Look, here is your rabbit, remember you brought her in a while back? She’s been here now for a long time. Do you want to hold her on your lap and think of her as the 2 or 3 year old part of you?
me: ok.
I took the rabbit onto my lap and held her the way you’d hold a baby.
Eileen: thats it allie. Your holding you really carefully. Maybe this week you can take the rabbit home, and during this week maybe you can sit with her on your lap sometimes and talk to her like you’d talk to that 2 or 3 year old part of you.
me: ok! I can do that.
Eileen: lets try rocking her now and talking to her.
so I did. I told her she was safe. I was there for her. Eileen was also here for her. And together we’d take care of her. Both of us.
Eileen: That 2 or 3 year old part of you needs to know your there for her too allie. Because you’ve been her. You’ve been there. You are 9 now, and she can see you having grown up as far as 9 and managed this far.
Me: yeah, i guess so.
Eileen: I think if you are there for her, and I am there for her, then she wont feel so alone.
me: no, she wont.
I smiled then. I can feel her now eileen. She is happy. She is content.
Eileen: Thats great, allie. and next time, we can work a little bit with the infant part of you too ok?
me: ok, i’d like that.

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tossing and turning the night away

its 5 Am and I’m still up. I cant sleep. I’ve been on the internet, because lying there thinking, was just not good for me mentally. My thoughts were racing. I was thinking god, I should have drank tonight. Then I’d have slept. Now I’m wide awake. And the likelihood is I wont sleep. My mood is starting to dip. Whether its just the coming down from a high, I dont know. But I am starting to overthink, catastrophise, my mind is starting to go to dark places. Is there ever a reprieve from the torment? I really think not. I think too its the fact its night time, its dark, and I am the only one in the house awake. Even the dog is sleeping peacefully beside me. Its lonely. And there is that little bit of fear too. Fear of the night and all it brings. Fear to go to sleep. Fear in case I’ll have nightmares, or flashbacks. Fear that is crippling. God this never ends!
If anyones around I could use a hug.

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Fab night!

Its 3:30 AM and I just got home!

Our clocks sprang forward an hour tonight, so I have one less hour to sleep tomorrow!

We had a fantastic night. We ate good food, and danced the night away. The DJ was fabulous!

Happy mothers day to all you moms out there, if your in england or ireland or other parts of europe that celebrate it.

I thoroughly enjoyed my night out. I didnt drink, I was sober. I drank diet coke for the entire night.

I was just happy that my mom was having a good time. It was nice to see her happy and having fun.

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I got a good nights sleep last night. I dreamed weird things, but I tried not to think about the dreams once I woke up.

I prepared myself for going out tonight instead. I started getting ready early and have spent the morning beautifying myself.

I have showered, shaved my arms and legs, and mom has put a color in my hair and then I blow dried it. I feel good.

I texted my sister asking her if she wanted to go halves to get mom flowers and chocolates for mothers day. We’re both also giving her money instead of a present. She texted back saying yes and that she’d get them on her way in tonight.

We’ll be going out at around 6 PM. When I get dressed later and do my make up I will take a picture and post it on here.

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