Weekend, thoughts and urges

I got home Sunday evening from Dublin. I was sad the weekend was over but it was good to be home too. Nitro jumped all over me when he saw me. It is safe to say, I think he was glad to see me. I felt good having had the break away. I felt refreshed and recharged. Late Sunday evening Jasmine, who is an insider who is preoccupied with death and suicide was close to the front and started feeling apathetic and depressed and was thinking again about death and dying. She didnt plan anything but the thoughts were there and they started filtering through to me and making me feel bad. I told her to try to think about the nice things we’d done over the weekend, that she’d been part of. She did try but it wasnt working for her and she could not shake the preoccupation and the thoughts of ending it. Eventually she emailed our therapist and told her how she felt. I didnt sleep very much last night due to all this going on. Then in the middle of the night I started to feel kinda sick. My stomach started acting up. At first I thought it was a reaction to Jasmines feelings but soon it was clear that it wasnt. I’m not sure what caused it whether it was something we ate or the amount of alcohol we drank but we felt sick for hours. I didnt go in to college yesterday. I mostly slept all day. I feel much better now and will go in to college this morning. I need to finish up my team work portfolio. I have a little bit to do on it and it is due on Thursday and I dont want it hanging over my head so will do it today.

My new group the book nook

I wanted to tell everyone about my new group that I just created. It is an email support group called the book nook. It is a group where we will discuss the books we’re currently reading, or have recently read.
I’d love it if you’d join me there. As I said its an email group so all messages go through email. It would be good to hear about what people are reading, or like to read. That way we can find out about new authors, or new genres of books.
If you’d like to join the group leave a comment here and I will send you an invite to it.

I’m in Dublin for the weekend

Well guys I am in Dublin. I am having a blast. I went with my mom, sister, and some of my sisters partners family. We went to celebrate my sisters partners moms 60th birthday. We took the train yesterday morning to Dublin. It takes 3 hours to get there by train. Some of the people drove and they took our luggage so we didnt have to carry it. When we got there I asked mom if she wanted to take a cab to our hotel. The hotel was outside the city. She said no, that we’d get the bus into the city centre and then get a tram to where our hotel was. All very well, and thats what we did, but it took us 2 hours to get to the hotel. When we got off the tram we had to walk for 20 minutes to get to the hotel. My sister looked up google maps on her phone and we followed their directions. Its a real posh hotel. We got a good deal though. For two nights bed and breakfast and one evening meal it was 130 euro. Thats pretty cheap for somewhere in Dublin. When we finally arrived we checked in to the room and then we went to the bar. It was just my mom and sister and me who got the bus and tram to the hotel. The rest were either driving and some of them went shopping in the city centre. As I said we hit the bar and had a ball. The drinks in the bar were really pricy but I had some strawberry daquiries which were delicious. I must have had 5 of them altogether. At one point last night the price of the daquiries rose from 7.50 per drink to 11.50. I couldnt believe that but I had to take the drink since it was already made up. I cant wait to tell my dad that I payed 11.50 for one drink. He’ll go nuts. We ate in the hotel restaurant last night. It was a thai food restaurant. I had pad thai which was yummy. It had chicken and prawns in it and noodles and a sauce and vegetables. We stayed in the bar for the rest of the night. The place was buzzing and the atmosphere was amazing. Lots of our insiders were so happy to be able to let their hair down. Especially Liz. I think I finally went to bed at like 2 AM. But I only slept for about 3 hours. Mom and I shared a room and mom doesnt sleep very well either so we were both up at 5:30 AM. Today we’re going to a local shopping mall to do some christmas shopping. We’re also going to the movies to see brooklyn. I’m looking forward to seeing it. It sounds like it is a good movie with a good story line. Then tonight I bet we hit the bar again. Right now mom is getting ready to go down for breakfast. I’m already showered and dressed and am just waiting for her. Cant wait to see what breakfast will consist of since the hotel is really posh. I took lots of pictures last night. I already posted all of them to facebook. Its just so nice to get away for the weekend and have some fun. I really needed the break after all the hard work at college the last few weeks. Also after the hard dates that just passed.

Update on the Nutritionist appointment

I saw Karen O this morning for my nutritional appointment. The bad news is I have put on 5 pounds over the past couple of weeks. I am disappointed, but I was prepared. I knew I’d put on some weight. We said that I should enjoy my weekend and then start next Monday with the healthy eating plan again. So thats what I am gonna do. I am gonna use lesitan seeds because they help break down fat. Since I dont have a gall bladder I need help to break the fat down. I have goals for next week to lose 1 to 2 pounds, drink more water, and use the seeds with each meal. I hope I can reach my goals. I felt bad for gaining the weight but I know we all slip sometimes so I am trying to not beat myself up about it. I knew I had a lot going on these past couple of weeks so it was bound to happen. Now all I can do is do my best to get back on track again

Jasmines take on therapy

Its Jasmine. I wanted to write about therapy. Yesterday I talked to Eileen. I talked for almost all of our session. It was hard but I was able to talk and I felt better afterwords.
We talked about programming. and suicide. I told Eileen that I felt bad because I was always wishing I was dead or thinking about ways to die. Eileen said that must be a terrible burden to carry. She asked me if I’d like to experience life as it is now. Like if I’d like to do things and experience what life is like for us now. I said yes I would. So then we did an exercise to try to give me a glimpse in to our current life. It was so overwhelming. When Carol anne came back out Eileen asked her if she’d help me to experience some fun this weekend. And she said she would. That will be cool. I’ve never experienced any fun times. Mostly when I am out it is all about death, dying, and suicide. I cant imagine what it will be like to experience something fun and enjoyable. I’m willing to try though.
I also asked eileen if we could continue to work on my programming in therapy over the next couple of weeks to try to break some of it. She said yes and that she wants to help me and she’s happy that I want to finally be free and break free from the abusers and the abuse.

Back to the nutritionist

So after a long extended break I am going back to my nutritionist tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it. I’ve been so horrible about eating healthily lately. Its been a crazy few weeks. I havent been mindful of my eating habits. I know I’ve gained some weight. I was doing so well and I hate to take a step backwards but oh well. Things happen. I will just have to start over. If my weight wasnt such a huge trigger, it would be easier. Unfortunately it is though. I think the best thing I can do now is just be totally honest with my nutritionist. Tell her exactly how things have been these past few weeks. Hopefully talking about it will help somehow. The other thing I can do is go in there with a positive attitude. Yes I’ve been horrible about what I eat lately, but that doesnt mean its the end of the world. Next week is a new week and a new week means a new start.

A to Z

A- Age:body age 35, insiders of all ages in here
B- Biggest fear: Ending up dead due to comitting suicide

C- Current time: 6:31 AM
D- Drink you last had: Coffee
E- Every day starts with: checking my phone
F- Favorite song: Hello by Adelle
G- Ghosts, are they real: Yes
H- Hometown: Cork, Ireland
I- In love with: My family most of the time, I love my psychiatrist and therapist and friends in a non sexual way
J- Jealous of: People who have their sight
K- Kids: none
L- Last time you cried: Its been about a week
M- Middle name: Majella
N- Number of siblings: 1 younger sister
O- One wish: To be happy
P- Person you last called: My partner
Q- Question you’re always asked: whats it like to be blind?
R- Reason to smile: my dog Nitro
S- Song last sang: taylor swifts new song cant remember the name of it now lol
T- Time you woke up: 5 AM
U- Underwear Color: Nude
V- Vacation destination: I’d love to go to australia
W- Worst habit: Overanalysing
X- X-Rays you’ve had: chest
Y- Your favorite food: any pasta dish, pizza, chilli cheese burgers, taco fries
Z- Zodiac sign: Aries