Mentoring

I just had mentoring. We had a good chat with Colette. We talked about mom and I got to discuss some of my feelings surrounding that. She offered me twice a week support for a while which I gladly took. So starting in February we are going to meet twice a week just to link in and chat about my feelings and how I am coping. She said if I need to vent or Im angry and need a place to let the anger out that i can do it with her. Im so grateful to her for that. We talked about me possibly trying out a new activity, singing on a Tuesday afternoons at the next step, which is a creative arts centre for people with mental illness. They also do yoga which i want to try as well. So next Tuesday Colette is going to walk me over there and I am going to try it out to see if I like it. If I do then I will contact guide dogs so they can show me the route so I can get there independently. The singing will be a good outlet for me and singing is something I love too which is a positive. So yeah mentoring was good today. I feel much better having had it.

A bit of an update on how i’m doing

i managed to sleep last night despite everything going on. i slept for more than what I usually sleep, about 5 hours total. I woke up at around 5 and got up. My PA came this morning and we just did some housework and i went to the grocery store to buy some water and fruit and crackers and nuts. My healthy eating plan is going well. I think I should be down a couple of pounds on Thursday when i get weighed. I hope so anyway. It would be nice if all my hard work payed off. Mom rang me this morning. She said she was up in the middle of the night because she couldnt breathe properly. She sat up and tried to sleep sitting up so that shed be able to breathe better. The hospital rang her and they had scheduled a breathing test for later today. So my sister is taking her. Im at the basement club this morning. I decided I wanted to get out of the house and be with other people. Its better for me if I stay busy and stay distracted. I have mentoring later this afternoon with colette. Im looking forward to it. Eileen rang me last night. We had a phone check in. She told me to stay in the moment, and be gentle with myself. Take good care of myself because if I dont care for myself I wont be able to be there for mom. I know she is right. She said I sounded really angry about moms situation. Angry and wishing I had answers. Thats how I am feeling. I am angry that this happened to mom. She doesnt deserve this.

Moms scan and the results, its not good news

so today was the day mom had her scan. we got up at 6 AM. mom was fasting so she couldnt eat breakfast. I ate and then showered and got dressed. we left for the hospital at 7:45. when we got there mom checked in. then she had to drink x ray dye, she had to drink a couple of glasses of that. they mixed it with juice so it didnt taste too bad. eventually she was called in to have her scan. my aunt who is her sister had come with us as well so while mom was in having the scan we had a coffee. after the scan we had to go upstairs to the reapid access lung clinic for her results. the scan she had was a thorax scan. we got up stairs and a nurse took her in to an office to weigh her and do her height. then a second nurse took her to another office to talk to her about quitting cigarettes. she has already quit cigarettes but she smokes an E cig. after that we had to wait for the doctor. eventually he called her in and me and my aunt went in with her. basically he said that the middle of her right lung is totally collapsed. we already knew that. he said that there is something in the tube of the lung, a tumour, but he couldnt really see it clearly even though she got the dye in her body today. so he is bringing her back for more tests. over the next two weeks she will have to have a pet scan. a pet scan basically shows up any active parts of the body that shouldnt be active. so if there are cells there or if the organs are doing any weird things it will show up. so she will have that some time over the next week or two. then on February 2nd she has to go in for a biopsy. they will put a camera down into her lung and see what is going on in there. she will go in for the day as a day patient to have that done. she will get the results of that the same day. so basically on feb 2nd we will have a complete and full diagnosis. i am a wreck. i have held it together but just barely. my mind is doing 90, my thoughts are going miles a minute. i mean the tumour could benon cancerous but then again it could be cancerous. we just wont know until further tests are done. the fact that she has a tumour scares the living life out of me. i just did not want it to go this way. and we still dont have answers. after we finished in the rapid access lung clinic we went to have some food. i tried to gage how mom was doing but shes putting up a brave front. i feel like i am the only one whose worrying. no one else in the family is saying much of anything, not even my sister. i feel so alone with all of this. i could really use support right now guys. a huge weight feels like its crushing my chest. it feels like it is going to swallow me up. im trying very hard to be strong for mom. its not easy though. somethings gonna give soon and i think when it does Ill completely lose it and fall apart.

red hot emotions

my mind is going crazy. and i dont know how to stop it. my thoughts feelings are in a spin. everything feels so mixed up. i cant sort it. i just, i feel like a storm is brewing. a storm of emotions. red hot emotions. a torent that threatens to engulf me.

MY TEXT CONVO WITH MY THERAPIST

HI ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I HAD THIS TEXT CONVO WITH EILEEN. I WAS FEELING VULNERABLE AND DECIDED TO TEXT HER AND TELL HER. HERE IS THE CONVO.
ME: EILEEN, THIS IS LIZ, YESTERDAY WAS FRIDAY THE 13TH, THATS A CULT HOLIDAY AND WE WERE VERY TRIGGERED AND AFRAID THAT PEOPLE WOULD ACCESS US. I DIDNT LET ANYONE OUT LAST NIGHT. WE DIDNT GO OUT ALONE OR WITH PEOPLE WE DIDNT KNOW. WE WERE AT HOME LAST NIGHT AND WE WERE SAFE. I TOOK US OFF TO BED EARLY. I WAS GOING TO TEXT YOU BUT THEN I DIDNT BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO BOTHER YOU. I AM FEELING VERY VULNERABLE THIS MORNING, LIKE A REALLY YOUNG PART IS AROUND.
EILEEN: I AM SORRY LIZ THAT I AM NOT IN A POSITION TO TALK FOR A WHILE BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU DID VERY WELL LAST NIGHT. I REALLY DO GET THE VULNERABILITY AND AT THESE TIMES IT IS JUST ABOUT BEING SAFE YOU ARE DOING GREAT TO JUST BE ABLE TO NAME IT AND HOLD IT, AND NOT HAVE TO MUCH EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF OR THINK IT SHOULD BE ANY OTHER WAY.
ME: THATS OK EILEEN. I KNOW YOUR BUSY. I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, SO THAT YOUR IN THE PICTURE YOU KNOW? IF WE ARE NOT ABLE TO HAVE A SESSION THIS WEEK CAN WE CHECK IN A COUPLE OF TIMES ON THE PHONE?
EILEEN: OF COURSE. WE WILL BE IN TOUCH ON MONDAY. TAKE GOOD CARE.

ITS SO GOOD TO KNOW I HAVE A THERAPIST WHO GETS IT AND REALLY GETS ME AND CARES ABOUT ME. I FEEL VERY LUCKY. I KNOW SHE IS THERE FOR ME NO MATTER WHAT. SOMETHING IS GOING RIGHT FOR ME, I HAVE EILEEN, I HAVE HER SUPPORT.

LIZ