its a lot of work to try to fake it that i’m ok. i’m really not. i feel so sad. sad and worried. worried about my mom. it seems like there is just one problem after another with moms health these days. i worry what will happen to me if anything happens to my mom especially. i’m closer to mom than i am to my dad. i depend on her to some extent. no she doesnt do absolutely everything for me but she does a lot. i only get six pa hours a week, and thats not a lot. my mom takes me places, comes to appointments with me, does housework, cuts my grass, helps me cook etc. she also helps me with other things. like for example yesterday when i wasnt coping she washed my hair for me. she knew if she didnt do it that i wouldnt so she was just like ok i’m going to do it so go in the bathroom. when i am emotionally struggling she is there, even if she doesnt always know what to do. she is there. and although she hasnt always been a good mom to me we’ve had our struggles she is human and i forgive her and i am willing to put everything behind us now because i value our relationship that we have now. the other night we were really suicidal and i called her. and she really surprised me. she was there for me and she basically got me through a tough night. i followed her instructions, yes, i was that bad and non functional that she literally had to tell me what to do, what to watch on tv, what to drink, to prepare a drink, etc. she even told me to call her back before she went to bed so she could check on me. she was really there for me. dr. barry said on wednesday that she was glad i was reaching out to my mom for support. Because its not something i would normally do. i took a risk the other night and it payed off. and now my mom might have a serious illness, and she might be really sick. and i might even lose her and i know i might not but the worry overrides everything. to my friends who arent reading the blog i wrote earlier in the week about mom having gone back to the doctor and how they said the middle part of her lung has collapsed and how it might be a sign of serious damage, or something more sinister such as cancer. i’m a nervous wreck. but i’m trying to be strong for her, and for my sister. my sister is younger than me and very sensitive and she really is clueless about a lot of things, like she is untouched by a lot and is not wise about a lot of things. in many ways she is very innocent and has been sheltered so much of her life. where as i havent been as everyone knows. i’ve had to survive. i’m had to cope with what has been thrown at me. and i suppose i have to some extent. but i’m not ready to cope with this. i’m not ready to lose my mom yet. i’m just thinking about it all tonight. am anxious and worrying about it all. could use some support if anyones around.
mom sat me down earlier and told me that my sister now has access to her bank account. she pays her life insurance policies in the bank. she said she gave laura access so that things would be easy if anything were to happen to her. easy for us both. I feel like she did all this and left me out. she said its because I have a disability and cant do all the running around like my sister can. I told mom I wanted laura to keep me in the loop. mom said she will but why do I feel like she wont? its tough enough to have this conversation as is. because it really brings into reality the fact my mom is thinking about what if something is to happen to her. hoping it wont but we just don’t know, it might. and laura now has access to all the death policies, and documents, important documents at that. and I don’t. it doesn’t sit well with me at all. mom said she told me so that there would be no feelings of resentment. so why do I feel resentful? and like my disability was an issue and why should it be? at least she didn’t use my psych issues as a reason, thankfully. I just feel they did all this without me and I was only told after it was all said and done. and I feel like that’s wrong.
so yesterday my mom went back to the doctor. the doctor had some bad news for her. she drew her a diagram of her lungs. the doctor said we all have 3 sacks on our right lung, and two on our left. and the middle sack on moms right lung has collapsed. doctor said she wasn’t sure if it was from her COPD, it might be. But it could be an underlying issue, like cancer, or some other lung damage. She wont be sure until she does another x-ray. So mom is booked in for an x-ray on December 23rd. If the x-ray shows that the lung isn’t healed, and the collapsed part is still showing, then she will have to go for an emergency CT scan. She was meant to have a lung function test yesterday but the doctor said because she’s just getting over a lung infection she’d leave the lung function test for another few weeks. We’re all very nervous about the outcome of this next x-ray. I’m particularly worried about what if its cancer or some serious condition…what then. I need my mom for so much. She helps me in so many ways, I don’t want to lose her. I know cancer is curable and if it is cancer they may have caught it early. But still, I’m sad and upset and very worried. All I can do now is hope and pray that she’ll be ok. She has a good outlook though, she said we’ll just have to take what is dealt to us as a family and go from there. She’s calm on the outside at least. Not sure how much of that is to reassure us me and my sister though… I know she wont want us to worry about her.