ITS A SHIT NIGHT. I FEEL AWFUL. IS ANYONE AROUND? COULD REALLY USE SOME SUPPORT.
MEMORIES SUCK. REALLY FUCKING SUCK. I FEEL LIKE TOTAL SHIT. I JUST WANT OUT! OUT OF THE INTERNAL CHAOS AND HORRIBLE FLASHBACKS.
THE FLASHBACKS ARE THE ABSOLUTE PITS. I HATE HAVING TO GO THROUGH THEM. THINK ITS TIME TO TAKE MY 3 MG OF PRAZOSIN. TAKE IT AND TRY TO SLEEP. THINK THAT IS BEST.
IF ANYONE IS AROUND I COULD USE A FRIEND. SOME MORRAL SUPPORT.
hi everyone, my name is lisa. i am 17.
i had a tough night last night. i felt really suicidal last night. i wanted to take pills. i wanted to take them because i felt like we broke the rules last weekend. we were meant to go meet our abusers from the cult and we didnt go, and that is breaking the rules, and i felt like i should kill myself before one of them killed me first.
emily was really worried about me so she texted eileen. she told her i was feeling really suicdal and bad and asked her to text us when she could. eileen texted us back and then she called us.
i talked to her on the phone for a long time. we talked about why i wanted to die, about the abusers and about how we have choice now, about our living situation now, how it has changed, and about the system etc.
it felt good to talk to her. i felt safe with her. i told her i wished i was back in her office again cuz it feels safe there.
in the end eileen told me to maybe go inside and rest, and allow liz to front. so i did. and liz fronted for the rest of the night and me and emily and the rest of emilys insiders went inside and went to bed. i think liz took the whole system to bed too after getting off of the phone.
we slept well last night. and i made a promise to eileen that i wouldnt take pills. and i am going to keep it. i would never break a promise to eileen.
I feel like shit. I cant stop crying.
the pull towards suicide is so strong. I wont do anything, but god do I want to. I really fucking want to tonight.
I don’t know where this suicidal stuff and feelings came from. I was ok earlier. more than ok.
right now I long to be wrapped in my therapists arms.
embraced in her warmth and love. embraced in a safe hug with her.
its late…almost midnight. I should go to bed. I should switch off for the night.
but I cant. I am feeling so overwhelmed. im in a state of sadness, insecurity, fearful, overwhelm.
This is the pain of attachment, its raw, its ugly, its horrendous.
I think I need to go read. Do something other than overthink. Other than wish. Other than cry.
Good night world
at myself. Hahaha. I’m running on very little sleep. I didn’t go to bed until about 2:30 AM. Its just gone 8 AM now. I woke up early, well I tossed and turned for most of the night, but at 7 I gave up and got up.
My parents are up and all of the dogs are up too. My dad said he’d take the four dogs, mine, his dog, and my sisters two pugs, he is looking after them for the weekend, anyway he said he’d take them out for a walk in a little while.
It looks like its gonna be a nice day out today. I hope so. We never got the rain we were meant to get. That makes me happy. I didn’t want storms.
Check out this wonderful post! Eve shares her love for her daughter, a touching and very powerful letter!
i’m really struggling this morning. i’m struggling to stay upbeat and positive.
I feel so depressed. I cant seem to shake it. my mood just feels very low.
I will still go volunteering, I’m hoping getting out of the house and meeting other people will lift my mood and that going there will also make me feel good about myself.
Even the fact that the weather is nice outside and the birds are singing outside my windows isn’t even cheering me up.
Nothing is doing it for me. I just feel so blah.
I’m due my 3 monthly injection tomorrow. I’m glad I’ll be getting it. I always know when its close to time to get it. My mood always dips.
Anyway. Hoping I can turn the day around. We shall see.
I should be asleep. its 3:30 AM. no joy though. i’m wide awake.
I doubt i’ll sleep tonight. that thud of the snow falling off the roof scared the crap out of me.
I put the radio on just in case it happens again. at least tomorrow I can rest during the day. wont be doing anything else because of the snow storm so well it doesn’t really matter whether I sleep or not I suppose.
could read for a bit I guess. I may just do that.
well thanks for reading. have a good night or day wherever you are!