An irish mammys letter to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing
this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

We are all doing very well.

You won’t recognise the house when you get home – we have moved.
Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within
20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Irish
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so
that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m
not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in,
pulled the chain and haven’t seen it since.

Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under
him – he’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out
if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you are an
auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He’s only been there a
short while and they’ve already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the
Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he
fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days
to put out the fire.

I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while
riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me.
The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk
for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice this week,
first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy
one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last
payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up
she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley
said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons
on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really
worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck.
Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because
they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has

Your loving Mum.

P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already
sealed the envelope.