I feel human again

So after breakfast and a shower I now feel human again.

I am still feeling overwhelmed but I am trying, and trying counts right?

I had a nice bowl of porridge with pears in it for breakfast. That warmed me up.

The weather is rainy here so that isn’t helping. I have to go out in it later this afternoon. I have to go to Iceland which is a store that sells frozen foods. I need to buy some slimming world meals. My sis is taking me.

So I need to somehow get to where I am ok enough to go. I can do this. I just have to push myself harder.

The shower felt nice too. I enjoyed it. I let the hot water pour down on me. That is so healing.

Now to tackle the inside chaos. Lots of kids crying, panicking, etc.

I just keep telling myself I can do this. I can and I will.

This Is Exactly Why Your Life Has Been Falling Apart Lately

A powerful post from Anita over at discovering your happiness!

via This Is Exactly Why Your Life Has Been Falling Apart Lately

STRUGGLING TONIGHT

IM REALLY STRUGGLING TONIGHT. WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS HOUSE, AND CAROL ANNE TRAINED HER FOR A FEW HOURS IN HOW TO USE HER I PHONE. I WATCHED A LITTLE AND TRIED TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM MY THOUGHTS.

I’M HAVING A LOT OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. IT FEELS SO LONELY. DOES ANYONE ELSE SUFFER FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.

I’M WORRIED ABOUT MAY 1ST. ITS A BAD DATE FOR ME, LOTS OF ABUSE MEMORIES, ESPECIALLY MEMORIES TO DO WITH MY RITUALISTIC ABUSE HISTORY. I DONT KNOW HOW I’LL COPE WITH THEM.

I WISH MAY 1ST WOULD JUST NOT COME AT ALL. NO POINT TO WISHING THAT THOUGH, IT WILL BE HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.

FREAKING OUT A LITTLE ABOUT IT THOUGH TONIGHT. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP IT.

ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO STOP RACING THOUGHTS?

LIZ

My afternoon plans changed!

Well, I never went to my friends. It was kind of a bummer as I needed the cheering up.  But when I called her she was going somewhere with her sister.  She did say that we could rearrange it for during the week.  So then when that didn’t happen, I decided to do a little self care after dinner, so I took a nap.  A nap that turned into about 3 hours, lol.  But I feel so good now after it.  I feel refreshed and rejuvenated.  And my mood is much better.  Mentally I am feeling good.  So I guess that’s a win, right?  I’ve eaten really healthily all day.  I’ve had a ton of fruit, I made two fruit salads and I put natural yoghurt on top.  They were delicious.  I didn’t  get any exercise in today.  But that’s ok, I’ll get a ton of it in this week when I’m home.  I’ll go on the treadmill every day, at least that’s the plan anyway.  When I was sleeping I had weird dreams.  Not bad ones, just weird.  Cant even describe them but they were kinda out there, now that I’m awake I can barely remember the details but when I first awoke I could remember them vividly.  Anyway.  Tomorrows a bank holiday here.  Mom is going to come to my house with me for the afternoon.  Hopefully my sis will drop me home when she is on her way to work.  Well that’s about it i guess.  So catch yall soon guys.

carol anne

Lecture, lecture

i got in a little trouble with my mom. i called her and i told her i went outside for a few minutes. she started lecturing me. saying i was not to go out. that i was putting myself in danger by going out. that i could fall and if i fell no one would know i had fallen and i’d freeze to death. i suppose she has a point. when you put it like that, its kinda scary. then she got on to me about my eating and asking me if i was eating enough. i told her i had made myself a sandwich. she said thats not enough. i told her i didnt have any more bread. and the food i do have in the fridge most of it is food thats not really allowed on the slimming world diet. i have to be careful what i choose to eat. she was like what are you trying to prove? you need to eat. a sandwich isnt going to fill you. so i told her i’d have some crackers with chhese. and i just had that when i got off the phone. i hate it when she lectures me. it makes me feel bad about myself. i know she’s only doing it because she cares though. just hard to take is all.

Daily prompt: conveyor

its so hard to always
be the
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/conveyor/
of bad news
did you know
that sometimes
it really sucks
to be me?

really feeling this tonight as I had to bring some bad news about a system member to the rest of the system.
having did really sucks sometimes.
being the ANP also really sucks.

carol anne

Passwording some posts

so recently I decided to password protect some of my posts. some of my posts will be audio recordings, others will talk more about therapy with Eileen, and our appointments with dr. barry. I’ve had a few comments recently from wp people who just don’t get the intensity of the relationship I have with Eileen or dr. barry and I’ve also had a couple of comments that were derogatory towards the younger parts wanting a mother figure and wanting our therapist to be their mother figure. to protect the younger parts I’ve decided to protect the posts that are more indepth on this topic. if you’d like the password email me at
manyofus1980@gmail.com

I am sorry to people that I have to do this but I have to keep us safe, and this goes a long way to doing that.
A couple of you may know the password but if your in any doubt, email me.