Sometimes I feel so
i’m shattered. broken into a million little shards. a million little pieces.
that’s what it feels like to be a multiple. your like a puzzle, that doesn’t fit together. the pieces are jagged, and they don’t fit together right.
then there’s my mind, that’s broken too. a million thoughts, flying around in there. flying and spinning so fast.
it makes me dizzy. I hope to some day be whole, fixed, or as fixed as I can be. I can wish, right?
I FEEL DIZZY
IM TRYING TO IGNORE
BUT I’M A LITTLE BIT
HAVE TO FIND THE STRENGTH FROM SOMEWHERE
THE STRENGTH TO CARE
NOT AN EASY TASK
CAN I DO IT?
WILL I LAST?
AND IM JUST FEELING SO INSECURE
AN AWFUL WAY TO FEEL
TRY TO CONCEAL
HANG MY HEAD
WONDER IF I SHOULD GO TO BED
2 AM AND STILL IM WIDE AWAKE
HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE?
Sorry to burst your little bubble, dad, but just because I am looking forward to my holiday does not mean I am not sad, feeling insecure, frustrated, upset about other stuff, just because I seem ok on the surface, I am still very much struggling with my mental illnesses.
I wish you could understand that. I wish you could be more supportive.
I’m your daughter after all, your supposed to know me well. But well, I guess you only see what you want to see. I guess you are or were hoping for a miracle cure. Sorry dad, no such luck.
around doing everything that needs to get done in my day, my mind goes back to what my therapist and I talked about today. Slowing everything down. Being mindful. Staying in the present.
Sometimes I get so caught up in the day that I forget to slow everything down a little bit.
It is only when I do that I realise that yes, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there is time, I think I’ll never have enough time to do the things I need to get done.
But there is always time.
Today my lesson is going to be slow down. Stop. Take time to breathe, don’t rush around and get caught up in the whirlwind that is life.
I’ve had a busy day today. I’m just finished in class about 20 minutes. I was the only one in class this afternoon so I had one to one attention from my tutors.
We worked on the nutrition and healthy options module. I have my skills demo coming up in about 2 weeks. For the skills demo I have to make a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner.
I’m half way through that module now. I keep thinking, that didn’t take long!
Do you rush around each day? Are you so busy rushing that you forget to breathe sometimes, take deep breaths and slow everything down?
It is a
3 degrees c here. It got down to minus 4 last night. Minus 4 in april, whoever heard of that. But yeah, it was freezing. I had my heating on for half the night, so I stayed nice and warm and cosy.
Cold, wet, raining, its a dreary day here in Ireland.
I’m glad I don’t have to go anywhere in this weather. I’ll enjoy staying indoors and relaxing instead.
wrinkle your face
crinkle your lips
open your mouth
show your teeth
all pearly white
at what am I smiling?
my cute, awesome baby boy
who loves me unconditionally
and only asks for love in return
he’s not hard to love
and I never loved anyone so much
as I love my dog
he makes my face
wrinkle up with joy
laughter lines appear
IT IS VERY EASY TO
ME. REALLY…I’M QUICK TO ANGER. VERY VERY QUICK TO ANGER. EVERYONE WHO KNOWS ME OR HAS EVER COME INTO CONTACT WITH ME IS AFRAID OF ME, AND THAT IS HOW I LIKE IT IF I AM TOTALLY HONEST.
THE PROMPT TODAY MADE ME THINK OF SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO ME WHILE I WAS IN THE PSYCH WARD A COUPLE YEARS AGO.
ONE NIGHT WE WERE FEELING PARTICULARLY BAD. I WAS OUT, AND IN A VERY BAD MOOD. I WAS ALSO REALLY SUICIDAL.
A NURSE WAS BEING ANNOYING, AND IRRITATING ME.
I GOT OUT OF BED AND STARTED PACING THE CORRIDORS. THE NURSE CHALLENGED ME ABOUT WHAT I WAS DOING.
AND I LOST IT. I STARTED TRYING TO BREAK THE BATHROOM MIRROR WITH A HAIRBRUSH.
OBVIOUSLY THEY DIDNT LET ME DO THAT. THEN I TRIED TO POUR HOT COFFEE OVER MYSELF. I WAS DETERMINED TO DO DAMAGE TO MYSELF.
AFTER A WHILE A MALE NURSE CAME IN AND PUSHED ME TO THE FLOOR. BASICALLY HE USED HIS POWER AND TRIED TO TAKE ME DOWN.
WELL IF HE DID I FOUGHT BACK. HE PROVOKED ME. I LOST CONTROL AND I KICKED HIM HARD IN HIS PRIVATES. AND FROM THERE I JUST KEPT ON BEING CRAZY.
UNTIL, THEY ORDERED A SHOT AND EVEN THEN IT TOOK FOUR OF THEM TO PIN ME DOWN TO ADMINISTER THE SHOT.
AFTER THE SHOT WAS ADMINISTERED I FELL ASLEEP.
THE PROMPT TODAY JUST MADE ME THINK OF THAT NIGHT. NOT A PLEASANT NIGHT AT ALL.