fuck fuck fuck
anxiety fucking sucks
I sit here, fearful
anxious, so bloody anxious
I sit here, wondering
will it even end?
does anxiety ever go away?
not for me
IM REALLY STRUGGLING TONIGHT. WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS HOUSE, AND CAROL ANNE TRAINED HER FOR A FEW HOURS IN HOW TO USE HER I PHONE. I WATCHED A LITTLE AND TRIED TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM MY THOUGHTS.
I’M HAVING A LOT OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. IT FEELS SO LONELY. DOES ANYONE ELSE SUFFER FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.
I’M WORRIED ABOUT MAY 1ST. ITS A BAD DATE FOR ME, LOTS OF ABUSE MEMORIES, ESPECIALLY MEMORIES TO DO WITH MY RITUALISTIC ABUSE HISTORY. I DONT KNOW HOW I’LL COPE WITH THEM.
I WISH MAY 1ST WOULD JUST NOT COME AT ALL. NO POINT TO WISHING THAT THOUGH, IT WILL BE HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.
FREAKING OUT A LITTLE ABOUT IT THOUGH TONIGHT. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP IT.
ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO STOP RACING THOUGHTS?
I’m feeling a little down right now. So to combat it I am going to go visit my friend Norma today. This afternoon after I have had dinner.
That should lift my mood. I hope anyway.
Just hanging out with her and putting the world to rights will be awesome. We always have so much to talk about.
I just sent my mom off to the grocery store for me because I needed some fruit and a few other bits and pieces to get me through the week.
And I am too lazy to go myself, lol.
I also had a long hot bubble bath this morning. It made me feel great.
Just need to get through the next two or three hours until I can see my friend.
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not feeling too good right now. it came on suddenly.
really want to hide away. do not feel at all like being social, so am glad there is nobody here that i have to entertain.
except myself, of course.
vegging out in front of the tv, thats all i can manage right now.
i tried to call my friend, but that did not go too good.
i had a great apt with dr. barry yesterday. we mostly talked about me starting the independent living skills course. i told her i have been trying to implement some things so that uncontrollable switching does not occur during the day while we are working on the classes, because the staff at the residential centre where I’ll be living are only trained to work with disabled people, they arent trained to work with mental illness. although there will be at least 3 of us with mental illnesses living there. i know this because two of the other girls who live there told me they struggle with mental illnesses. but anyways. i dont want the younger parts coming out at inappropriate times. i am going to work next week in therapy on implementing some strategies to avoid this if i can. i will make a team of insiders me and a few others, who will participate in the classes during the day. i think that will be the best thing to do. then the kids can come out in the evenings when we’re alone in our apartment. they can watch tv, play games on our phone, blog etc. that way its fair and everyone gets to have time out in the body. dr. barry thought this was a great idea. we talked about my anxiety around starting. i am a little anxious but i suppose thats to be expected. i know there is going to be six of us doing the course, 3 guys and 3 girls. the thing I am most anxious about is using public transport. I just have no confidence, despite my trainer nathalie telling me that she thinks i’d be fine and be able to do it with no problems. when my mental illness got severe some years back i stopped doing routes with my dog, i didnt go anywhere alone, i always took a taxi places etc. i’m determined that on this independent living skills course that I will change this. I want my independence back again, plus also if I dont tackle it now, when it comes time for Nitro to retire they will not give me a new dog. I just have to be brave and face my fears head on. Wish me luck guys.