Horrible weather

I had an up and down kinda night. I woke up at 2 AM. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep for a few hours. I got up and went online for a while. Then I read my book for a bit. Finally at around 6 AM I fell back to sleep. And then I slept until 9 AM.

It was raining really hard during the night. I was enjoying being snuggled up and listening to it beating down outside. I even had nitro in my bed with me. We were all cuddled up until he jumped down because he got too hot.

I finally got up at 9 AM. It is still raining. I rang my supervisor and told her I wouldn’t come in today. So I am not going volunteering. I just don’t feel like getting wet. So I turned on my heating and am chilling out now at home for the day.

No plans. Just read, watch tv, blog, prepare food, etc. Nothing major. I love these sorta days. Feels nice to just be able to say I am staying home today.

Well I’d better go take my meds! Catch yall laters guys!

Decompressing

It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.

Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.

I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.

I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.

If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.

TEXT

I TEXTED EILEEN. I TOLD HER I WAS WONDERING IF THINGS WER OK BETWEEN US. I ASKED HER IF SHE’S MAD AT US. IM STILL AWAITING A RESPONSE. I ONLY SENT IT LIKE 10 MINUTES AGO THOUGH. I HOPE I DID THE RIGHT THING. I THINK I DID. THERE REALLY IS NO POINT TO WORRYING UNNECESSARILY ABOUT IT. ITS IN HER HANDS NOW, JUST GOTTA WAIT FOR A RESPONSE FROM HER.
I ALSO RANG DR. BARRYS SECRETARY. SHE HAD SENT US OUT A LETTER WITH AN APPOINTMENT TIME IN IT, AS LAST WEEK WHEN WE FINISHED WITH DR. BARRY SHE WASNT AT HER DESK TO GIVE US AN APT THERE AND THEN. SO SHE SENT OUT A LETTER, BUT OUR MOM THREW IT OUT BY ACCIDENT.
SO I ENDED UP RINGING. AND WE SEE DR. BARRY AS USUAL NEXT WEDNESDAY MORNING THE 14TH OF NOVEMBER. SO THAT IS GOOD.
NOW THATS MY WORK DONE FOR TODAY GUYS. RIGHT? I DID A LOT TO HELP OUT TODAY. NOW I DESERVE TO RELAX AND CHILL OUT.
LIZ

Rememberence

I did something uncharacteristic today.

I went to church. The rememberence service for the dead was on today. My aunt died last year, and her name was included in the 100 names of people that have passed away in the past year in our parish.

So I went to it, and I am proud of myself. It wasn’t an easy thing to do.

It was a very lovely service. There was a beautiful choir. Everyone who had lost someone got a candle to light. And all the names of those who died were read out.

I sat transfixed. I thought we’d be triggered. Quite the contrary though, we weren’t. Not in the slightest. I was so amazed by that too.

I even received communion, something I haven’t done in a long time. And I prayed. I prayed for friends. I prayed for family. I prayed for closure and for my continued healing.

At the end of the service I lit a candle for my grandad and gramma. And I said a silent prayer of thanks to them both. I thanked them for allowing me to stay mentally well these last 12 months. For allowing me to stay out of hospital. For allowing me to continue to heal, and for some other stuff, like my weight loss, like my good health, etc.

And now that its over, I am so glad we went.

And now, now I am seriously thinking about going back to church on a regular basis, like each weekend, going to mass, on sunday mornings. I’m seriously really seriously considering it.

For now though, I’m feeling content, I feel good, really good actually. Happy and very content. And very proud that I pushed myself to attend the service tonight.

it lexi

it lexi. hi everybody. I be so fraid. I fraid of rembering. I not like it. I not want to rember. rememberin the accident is hard. it so skary. so skary to fink bout it. I not lik finkin bout it. my hart pounds wen I do. and my head is hurtin. my nec is hurtin to. I jus not like it! I wish we never gon to the stor. den it wuldnt happen that we be in a accident.
lexi six