ANGRY

I HATE LIFE. I HATE MY ABUSERS. I HATE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I’M SO PISSED. I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN ROOM. FUCKING ABUSERS THEY ARE SCUM. CONSTANTLY HARASSING US. GETTING US ALL RILED UP. HARD NOT TO GET RILED UP. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I REALLY REALLY DO. I AM DONE. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. BEAT DOWN AND DONE. LIFE SUCKS. MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. I AM A FAILURE. I COULDNT EVEN SUCCEED AT ENDING IT.
PIXIE AGE 21

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Darina sings sean mendez there’s nothing holding me back

Here she is with a new song, six year old darina!

Allie

mommy
do you love me?
see me?
can you hold me?
oh, I forgot
You never see me
You don’t notice me
You only see a grown up body
open your eyes
see me mommy
please see me
I beg you
I am here, I am just a kid
9 years old
frightened and feeling so alone
I need your love
I need a hug sometimes
Patience, kindness
I need you so much
but your never there
so…
I look elsewhere
For a mother figure
look to my therapist
and psychiatrist
to give me what you cant
people may think its weird
but everyone needs a mom, right?

allie age 9

The Lexi show-show and tell

hi
it lexi
i make this
I have a show on youtube
on at channel
it called the lexi sho
and I do fings lik sho stuf
and I’m lukin for ideas
for what else I can do
for my sho
so help me ote if you can guys
ok please
here is my first video
I hope I did it right
I showin some stuf in did video

Lem kno if u can see
what I showin
lexi six

i wish

It be darina
and want to kno somfin
I wish I had reeces penut buter cups
I love them
and I don got any
no fair!
actuly I gots no candees here
boohoo
everbudy shud kno littles need candees
who liks penut buter cups
jus in case yu woner why I rit lik this
I am a insidr
in this body and I am six
six yars old
and dats jus how I rit
ok guys?
I like food all food
and sweets and cookies
and cake and stuf hahahaha
I wanna kno whose gona share ther candees wif me
it crismas
and I need some candys
haha
darina ballerina hoose six

This is Allie

yesterday i had time with eileen in therapy. i had almost the whole session. i felt so safe and so happy it felt good to be able to have time with her. we talked about some memories i’d been remembering. she held my hands while we talked so that i wouldnt get pulled into the past. i like it when she holds my hands. i play with her jewelery and i was nervous so i kept switching hands and holding one first then the two of them ha. it was nice to just sit with her holding her hands. she asked me how i felt being able to just talk to her. i said i felt loved and seen and validated. how does that feel in your body? she asked. it felt like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. soft and warm and safe. she said i am really good at describing how i feel and how my body feels. she said some adults wouldnt be able to do that. that made me feel good to hear that. i did not think i was that good at describing things. but she said i am. the memories were hard to talk about. i cried a lot. got really upset. was shaking and sad and stuff. but i am glad i talked to her about them. cuz it did help me to feel better once I did talk. i hadnt slept on monday night at all cuz the memories were bothering me. so at the end of our time together yesterday eileen hugged me and told me to go inside and try to sleep. i asked her if i can bring her with me to sit by my bed. she said thats a great idea and she would come with me. we also talked about how eileen sees us when she talks to the kids. she said when she talks to one of us she pictures how we’d look and so she sees a child when she looks at us that she doesnt see the adult body. she asked me when i got upset if i knew we’d grown up. sometimes i do but sometimes i dont. we talked about being grown up and life now and now not being the same as back then when we were in dublin. she has to keep reminding me of that. sometimes i get all mixed up between what is now and what was then. im glad i got to spend time with her though. i needed to do that to feel better again.
allie

Struggle

i’m struggling this morning. I haven’t slept. I couldn’t. I was having flashbacks. the system was in distress. things were chaotic. we were remembering awful things. I cant even write the words, I don’t even know if I can find the words when I go to Eileen in 90 mins. i’ll try I guess. its so hard sometimes. my words get lost. flaot away. its such a struggle to talk. open up and talk. I want to but I cant. ug I hate it. I am just feeling a little bit unsettled this morning. I have showered, that helped a little. I’m going to call my mom soon. just to hear another voice. I feel like I am the only person in the world awake. even tho its 8 am. thank you all for all your kind comments tonight. they have really helped me more than yall know.
carol anne