it lexi and I’m super hapy
taday were goin to the beach
I’m so sited!
it gona bes fun!
igona collect seashells
and walk on tha sand
and maybe dip my feets in tha watr
we at bringin a picnic lunch too
samwiches and chips and cookies and fruit
hapy day everyon
I fell asleep last night around 2 AM. once I went to sleep though I stayed asleep. was glad about that.
I stayed in bed really late today, until 11:30. mostly because I didn’t wanna face the day.
I figured if I didn’t get up then the day would just pass me by and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
finally though I got up and ate. spent time being with my mom and sister. my sister took our dad to visit his brother in the nursing home, and moms going to pick up my nephew from school. so I have the house to myself for a little while at least.
I’m trying not to think about today being may 1st. its working to a degree. of course logically I know it is may 1st. but am just trying to focus on other things, and keep th e memories of awful things that happened away.
wish me luck…
LIZ HERE. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE NEW TO OUR BLOG, OR NEW TO KNOWING SOMEONE WITH DID, I WILL EXPLAIN SOMETHING HERE ABOUT US, WE ARE A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUALISTIC ABUSE.
WE WENT THROUGH SRA FOR 12 YEARS. FROM THE TIME WE WERE 5 YEARS OLD UNTIL WE WERE 17.
WE WERE PART OF A CULT, AND IT WAS EXTREMELY BRUTAL AND TRAUMATISING.
SO ON MAY 1ST, ITS BELTANE. A SRA HOLIDAY. AND WE ARE EXTREMELY SCARED OF ALL SRA HOLIDAYS. TRIGGERED BY THEM TOO.
I’VE NOTICED I HAVE BEEN GETTING A TON OF MEMORIES BACK LATELY ABOUT THE SRA. MEMORIES I DIDNT EVEN KNOW ABOUT. MEMORIES I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PROCESS UNSUCCESSFULLY.
SO TOMORROW WHEN I GO TO THERAPY I AM GOING TO TALK TO EILEEN ABOUT THEM. MAYBE NOT PROCESS ANY BECAUSE WE ARENT DOING ANY PROCESSING RIGHT NOW, BUT EVEN TO JUST SIMPLY TALK ABOUT THE SRA TRIGGERS WILL BE GOOD I THINK.
I THINK I WILL BENEFIT FROM DOING THAT.
I’M FED UP OF NIGHTS OF NO SLEEP, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, AND BEING TRIGGERED.
ITS NO FUN AND REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS.
hi its me allie. in case you forgot I’m 9.
we got therapy tomorrow. and I cant wait. Eileen is gonna read to me. she is reading my book today I feel silly and other moods that make my day.
I realy love that book. its by Jamie lee Curtis. you know she’s an actress. or she was one. not sure if she still is.
she has written a lot of books. they are all good.
they are picture books so for younger kids, but I don’t care I still like it and it helps me talk about my feelings.
carol anne made me some tea to drink. it tastes good. and we are going to have a bubble bath in a little while. we having some pain in our muscles so hoping that going to help the pain, it might help to take it away.
I don’t write here much. for those of you who don’t know many of us in our system, i’m amy. i’m 15. i’m an alter in our did system.
I love music, linkin park and pink are my fave artists. I love to party. I used to be a very serious kinda gal. you’d never think I loved to party, and years ago, I didn’t.
but all that changed, they call me amy attitude, and everyone in our system says I’m a little bit on the wild side.
I don’t mind, though. I love being me.
I hope to meet some of you. feel free to say hey, I’m friendly, lol.
IM REALLY STRUGGLING TONIGHT. WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS HOUSE, AND CAROL ANNE TRAINED HER FOR A FEW HOURS IN HOW TO USE HER I PHONE. I WATCHED A LITTLE AND TRIED TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM MY THOUGHTS.
I’M HAVING A LOT OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. IT FEELS SO LONELY. DOES ANYONE ELSE SUFFER FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.
I’M WORRIED ABOUT MAY 1ST. ITS A BAD DATE FOR ME, LOTS OF ABUSE MEMORIES, ESPECIALLY MEMORIES TO DO WITH MY RITUALISTIC ABUSE HISTORY. I DONT KNOW HOW I’LL COPE WITH THEM.
I WISH MAY 1ST WOULD JUST NOT COME AT ALL. NO POINT TO WISHING THAT THOUGH, IT WILL BE HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.
FREAKING OUT A LITTLE ABOUT IT THOUGH TONIGHT. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP IT.
ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO STOP RACING THOUGHTS?
SO I FEEL LIKE SHIT. MY HEAD FEELS FUCKED UP.
I FEEL LIKE DOING SOMETHING REALLY IMPULSIVE. OF COURSE I WONT, I JUST FEEL LIKE IT.
I CAN FEEL ANGER BUBBLING UP. I SHOULD JUST GO TO BED AND TRY TO SLEEP IT OFF.
ITS NOT GOOD WHEN I START TO FEEL LIKE THIS. I GET REALLY AGITATED AND IRRITATED AND THAT CAN ONLY BE BAD.