DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ

Clara having memories

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

OVERWHELMED

I AM FEELING OVERWHELMED. I NEED EILEEN. SO I TEXTED HER. I TEXTED TO ASK IF WE CAN DO A PHONE CHECK IN TODAY. IM WAITING FOR HER TO REPLY. ITS EARLY SO SHE MAY NOT REPLY FOR A FEW HOURS. WAITING FOR A REPLY IS HARD.

IM TRYING TO WATCH ELLEN FOR SOME DISTRACTION.I LOVE ELLEN. SHE’S FUNNY.

I CANT DEAL WITH HAVING THESE FEELINGS. I HATE FEELINGS. I KNOW I SHOULD JUST FEEL THEM. BUT MAN ITS SO FUCKING HARD. I CANT DO IT. I JUST CANT. EILEEN ALWAYS SAYS MY FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. GOD IT FEELS LIKE THEY WILL NOW THOUGH.

GOD! THIS SUCKS!

darina!

I woner wat is in ar box frum ar frend
im esited to find ote
I wanna see wats in der
going to opin it taday
at home later on taday
yay cant wait
it going to be fun!
I bet ther ar treets in ther
ar frend said she got us lot of nise stuf
shes so nise ta us
im hapy cuz it lik getting presints all over agin
it great
I like presints
and it wil be fun ta opin them on camra
yu al kin see wat I got then
wil dat be fun
yu wil lik it
hapy new year
I wand say dat to everone
hop yur havin fun
I tastd chicken wings last nite
thay was hot!
I ate them tho
I not skard of hot foods
ha ha
I likd them
they had chili spices in them
yumm yum!
darina ballerina im six

SAD FEELINGS

IM FEELING QUITE SAD TONIGHT. NOT SURE WHAT IS UP. I JUST FEEL OFF. REALLY, REALLY OFF. I HATE THIS. ITS A HORRIBLE WAY TO BE. I WANT TO BE HAPPY, I REALLY WISH I FELT IT RIGHT NOW. BUT I DONT. ALL I FEEL IS MISERABLE, SAD, AND WORTHLESS. HOPELESS, TOO. GOD THIS SUCKS.
LIZ

I woke

From a bad dream. And I am terrified. I cant go back to sleep. I am shaky, I am feeling anxious, I am just, terrified!

God help me!

Someone anyone, are you up and awake?

Could use a friendly word of support if you are!

Nightmares suck!

DOWN AND OUT GUYS!

ITS LIZ. IM FEELING VERY DOWN. IM VERY STRESSED. ITS NOTHING THAT ANYONE DID OR DIDNT DO. I JUST AM FEELING LOW MOOD WISE. AND VERY OVERWHELMED. I’VE HAD A LOT TO MANAGE WITH MY SYSTEM. THERE IS MUCH INTERNAL CHAOS AND FIGHTING. ITS NOT GOOD. MY EMOTIONS ARE BLOODY ALL OVER THE PLACE. I FEEL LIKE I’M SPINNING AND CANT STOP. I JUST FEEL LIKE UTTER CRAP. MY FIREND DID A LOVELY THING FOR ME. SHE LIT SOME CANDLES AND USED ESSENTIAL OILS AND IT WAS MEANT TO MAYBE TRY TO GET RID OF BAD OR NEGATIVE ENERGY I MIGHT BE FEELING, AND TO MAYBE HELP ME FEEL SOME BETTER, AND I HAVE TO SAY IT WORKED YESTERDAY, BUT TODAY, TODAY I AM BACK TO FEELING LIKE SHIT. OF COURSE THE WINTER SOLSTACE IS ALMOST HERE. THATS PROBABLY A REASON I FEEL THIS WAY TOO. IN FACT I’M PRETTY SURE OF IT. BEING A RA SURVIVOR SUCKS. IT REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS. YOU HAVE NO PEACE, NO END TO THE TRIGGERS, OR TRIGGERING THAT HAPPENS, UG. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE JUST BREAKING DOWN. IM FEELING SO EMOTIONAL. LIKE I JUST WANT TO BURST INTO TEARS. BUT I CANT. I CANT BECAUSE I HAVE TO STAY STRONG. I HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE. THEY ALL THINK I AM SO STRONG. I AM SO CAPABLE OF GETTING THINGS DONE. HELL EVEN EILEEN SAID THAT TO ME. SHE SAID I GET THINGS DONE, AND I DO IT WELL. BUT MAN GUYS IM NOT WELL. I JUST DONT FEEL WELL. 5 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS. CAN I MAKE IT? I DONT KNOW. I HOPE I CAN. I JUST HOPE I CAN.
LIZ