it is emily

hhihihihii everybody
its me em. how are you all?
im doing ok I guess
I’ve been feeling emotional tonight
im worried
im worried about going to slimming world
weight and numbers and food and eating all scare me
I want to be thin
but I think we’re not doing enough
I don’t think we’ll be down any weight tomorrow
I feel triggered just thinking about going
but we do need to go
we haven’t been to our group in two weeks now
our consultant texted us last night to ask us where we’ve been
and if we’ll be coming back
I don’t feel very strong this week
not when it comes to food and weight
I feel like if we’re not down i’ll fall apart
I so want to be down a few pounds
any amount will do
if its only 1 pound i’ll be happy
im going to try to not think too much about it
if I do i’ll want to starve myself
that’s not good I know
we had a nice healthy chicken stir fry for dinner
our sister made it for us
it was so yummy
we’ve been pretty good this week
we haven’t had much bad stuff like crisps and chocolate
maybe we’ll be shocked tomorrow night
maybe we’ll actually be down some weight
hoping for the best
butterfly hugs
love
Emily

5:30 AM ramble

OmG guys. I am so edgy. Not feeling good at all. Its flashback central around here.
I woke up at around 4. I couldn’t go back to sleep so got up. I had only lay down at 1. I slept very fitfully. Dreatm a lot. Bad dreams too. Sucks.
Its cold so I put on my heating. I will just chill out until 9 AM now. My PA will be coming then. If it stays dry outside I am definitely going to the gym. We can walk there. I need the exercise badly.
I made a nice cup of flavoured coffee. I know that wont do anything for my weight loss but right now I don’t care. I just needed some comfort. I feel agitated. I also feel emotional, very very emotional.
Hoping it passes soon. I’m not up for feeling bad all day.

Happy Thursday

Happy Thursday everyone. I am feeling good this morning!

I woke up at 6 AM. I managed to sleep really well last night.

I watched two very interesting shows before going to bed. One was a show about a murder of an 11 year old boy in the UK that took place a few years ago, it was about how the police solved the case. It was really good.

The other show was called shut ins, britains fattest people. It was about a woman who was 24 and morbidly obese. I thought it was a good show.

After watching them,I went to bed and managed to fall asleep pretty easily. So I am really pleased.

No plans here today, just going to stay home. Not much going on here. I’m kinda thinking about going to mom and dads to visit, but part of me is like no, I’ll see them tomorrow, so I’ll just stay home.

I might even exercise if I feel motivated later on this morning. I need to get back into exercising again.

Hope you all have a good day!

Emily, i feel as if I am gonna die

hihihihihii
i woke up scared. i had a hard night. im not ok. i want need a hug. wish eileen was here. i feel so unwell.
my body is aching, all over. i feel hot and clammy and my head is burning.
and my chest is tight and it hurts. everywhere. it just hurts.
i feel like i am going to die.
butterfly hugs
love
Emily, age 12

Night owl

I am being a night owl tonight. I slept earlier for a few hours. Woke up around 1:30 AM. Couldn’t go back to sleep, so got up.
Been messing around online for a while. Sorting out my TV shows, uploading them to open drive. That is taking me a while. I also made myself some nice vegetable soup. Comfort food.
Our mood is relatively ok. We don’t feel anxious right now. I’m counting that as a win. I love it when I am feeling stable. Long may it last.

Reading and sleeping

So I slept well after therapy. I decided to go to bed in the afternoon, and rest. So I did that, I read for a while, but I wasn’t able to read for long. I fell asleep pretty quickly. And I slept for a few hours. I had to get up to see to nitro a few times, but each time I went right back to bed again. My mom called me a few times too but I was expecting that so I didn’t mind and was still able to get my rest in.

It felt good to be able to sleep. I feel replenished now. I think good healing happens when we sleep. I firmly believe that to be true. I really feel good now that I am awake and up for the day. I know its still the middle of the night here, its 2:15 AM. But I woke and had enough sleep so got up.

I’m still not finished my book, denied a mummy by Maggie Hartley. I am slowly getting there. I read four chapters yesterday. I am loving it. Its a really intense book but also really good. I am going to try to finish it today. I have so many books to read. Once I am done reading it I will do a review of it on here.

Well I am going to go make myself a cup of coffee and sit and enjoy the peace and quiet of the early morning. I love early mornings. I hope everyones having a good evening whatever your doing.

DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ