to shed a tear seems a crime
it happened before, not at this time
horrid, horrible, tragic
never such a thing as calling a truce
i would beg, i would plead,
i would suffer, i would bleed
and at it’s end i’d be left alone
to make another
like a clone
Someone to carry on for me
to take the place where I couldn’t be
When I was being abused, I always wanted to fly away.
I thought if I flew away, I’d be safe.
I guess dissociation is a form of flying. Do people think so?
I would disconnect from my body during the abuse, I would hover over it, watch what was happening from above my body.
I guess that is a form of flying too, to fly above your body while your being hurt.
I do wonder why some of us dissociated during our abuse, and others didn’t? Why some of us developed coping mechanisms like did, and others didn’t. I heard recently of a case on the radio where a father abused his daughter for years, sexually.
She didn’t develop did, or a dissociative disorder, but she did develop other coping skills.
I guess we’re all different. We all manage to cope in different ways.
Just some random thoughts today that I am thinking about.
IM REALLY STRUGGLING TONIGHT. WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS HOUSE, AND CAROL ANNE TRAINED HER FOR A FEW HOURS IN HOW TO USE HER I PHONE. I WATCHED A LITTLE AND TRIED TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM MY THOUGHTS.
I’M HAVING A LOT OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. IT FEELS SO LONELY. DOES ANYONE ELSE SUFFER FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.
I’M WORRIED ABOUT MAY 1ST. ITS A BAD DATE FOR ME, LOTS OF ABUSE MEMORIES, ESPECIALLY MEMORIES TO DO WITH MY RITUALISTIC ABUSE HISTORY. I DONT KNOW HOW I’LL COPE WITH THEM.
I WISH MAY 1ST WOULD JUST NOT COME AT ALL. NO POINT TO WISHING THAT THOUGH, IT WILL BE HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.
FREAKING OUT A LITTLE ABOUT IT THOUGH TONIGHT. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP IT.
ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO STOP RACING THOUGHTS?
this week one of the writing prompts on mamas losin it is as follows
Take a line from a song you love and turn it into the title of your next blog post. Let the content follow.
The song I am choosing is Carrie Underwoods lessons learned.
I have learned many lessons from my abusers. Lessons I should have never had to learn.
I should have been allowed to be a child. Instead my childhood was ruined, tainted, taken.
Lessons I have learned from my abusers:
fear everyone and everything
never trust a man
hide, always hide
never speak your truth
never let your voice be heard
I am vile
My body is just a play thing
I am an object
I don’t matter
I have no value
I am weak
I am powerless and helpless
It is ok for people to do what they want to me
So as you can see, I learned so many awful things from those who abused me. It has taken years but I am slowly relearning them.