This is abuse

to shed a tear seems a crime
it happened before, not at this time
horrid, horrible, tragic
the abuse
never such a thing as calling a truce
i would beg, i would plead,
i would suffer, i would bleed
and at it’s end i’d be left alone
to make another
like a clone
Someone to carry on for me
to take the place where I couldn’t be

Fly free

When I was being abused, I always wanted to fly away.
I thought if I flew away, I’d be safe.
I guess dissociation is a form of flying. Do people think so?
I would disconnect from my body during the abuse, I would hover over it, watch what was happening from above my body.
I guess that is a form of flying too, to fly above your body while your being hurt.
I do wonder why some of us dissociated during our abuse, and others didn’t? Why some of us developed coping mechanisms like did, and others didn’t. I heard recently of a case on the radio where a father abused his daughter for years, sexually.
She didn’t develop did, or a dissociative disorder, but she did develop other coping skills.
I guess we’re all different. We all manage to cope in different ways.
Just some random thoughts today that I am thinking about.

STRUGGLING TONIGHT

IM REALLY STRUGGLING TONIGHT. WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS HOUSE, AND CAROL ANNE TRAINED HER FOR A FEW HOURS IN HOW TO USE HER I PHONE. I WATCHED A LITTLE AND TRIED TO DISTRACT MY MIND FROM MY THOUGHTS.

I’M HAVING A LOT OF INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. IT FEELS SO LONELY. DOES ANYONE ELSE SUFFER FROM INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS? I FEEL SO LOST AND ALONE.

I’M WORRIED ABOUT MAY 1ST. ITS A BAD DATE FOR ME, LOTS OF ABUSE MEMORIES, ESPECIALLY MEMORIES TO DO WITH MY RITUALISTIC ABUSE HISTORY. I DONT KNOW HOW I’LL COPE WITH THEM.

I WISH MAY 1ST WOULD JUST NOT COME AT ALL. NO POINT TO WISHING THAT THOUGH, IT WILL BE HERE WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT.

FREAKING OUT A LITTLE ABOUT IT THOUGH TONIGHT. OVERTHINKING EVERYTHING I KNOW BUT I CANT HELP IT.

ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS OF HOW TO STOP RACING THOUGHTS?

LIZ

Lessons learned

this week one of the writing prompts on mamas losin it is as follows
Take a line from a song you love and turn it into the title of your next blog post. Let the content follow.

The song I am choosing is Carrie Underwoods lessons learned.

I have learned many lessons from my abusers. Lessons I should have never had to learn.

I should have been allowed to be a child. Instead my childhood was ruined, tainted, taken.

Lessons I have learned from my abusers:

fear everyone and everything
never trust a man
hide, always hide
never speak your truth
never let your voice be heard
I am vile
My body is just a play thing
I am an object
I don’t matter
I have no value
I am weak
I am powerless and helpless
It is ok for people to do what they want to me

So as you can see, I learned so many awful things from those who abused me. It has taken years but I am slowly relearning them.

Mama’s Losin’ It