so its 2:30 am. i am wide awake. tonight was very traumatic on the ward. a girl had to have an injection and be sedated which wasnt pleasant to hear or for the other patients to have to look at. i was feeling suicidal and weak and cried all night. in fact most of the day i’ve been upset and crying. it hasnt been the best of days. i did have a visitor, my pa came and that was nice. but anyway. the reason i am writing this is that this nurse, M, she is amazing. she is the nicest nurse in this hospital. she knows eileen and they’ve worked together in the past. she has been here for as long as i’ve been coming as an inpatient. thats about 10 years now. anyway tonight i was very upset and couldnt sleep. so i went out and we started talking. about did. she asked lots of questions. this nurse would know a lot of our insiders. they trust her and arent afraid to come out around her. anyway she asked me if i had any writings explaining about did and what it is. i told her yes i have a do’s and donts list relating to dissociation. so she asked me to grab it and she’d print it out. so i did. then i also grabbed another piece of writing i had which i’d written for mental health professionals. she printed that too and said she’d read both of them tonight. and that she’d ask the other staff who are on duty to read them too. she brought me behind the nurses desk and sat me down and we talked for a very long time about all sorts of things. like family, home life, did, things about did like what caused my did, switching, college, managing at home, just all sorta things. and i felt such a huge connection to her. the other staff went to the other side of the ward to give us some privacy which was nice. when we’d finished and i was going back to bed she said she’d make me a cup of tea. and she gave me a huge hug. and she said goodnight my pets, meaning all of us were pets. lol that was cute. the tea is nice and is making me feel warm and i am not feeling too bad now. the flashbacks have ceased a little bit for now thank god.
since i went into hospital my sister hasnt made any effort to contact me. she hasnt called. she hasnt texted. and it hurts. i thought she cared. i said it to mom and mom said she’s been asking about me through her but that she hates when i am in the hospital. thats ok but fucking hell ask me? i’m human. i hurt and my heart is hurting. i just want my sister to actually give a damn. i called her this morning, just to chat. she didnt answer. i know she’s seen my missed call because mom said she called her too and she called mom back. but not me. obviously i’m not important to her. it feels so fucking rejecting. my own sister, my own flesh and blood. i’ve done so much lately to improve our relationship and all for what? if she cant even be bothered to call me back when i reach out then fine. i am done. i wont try again.
My friend Doris from twitter shared these wonderful mindfulness exercises with me. I thought I’d share her wonderful insight with the world too. If you’d like to follow doris her username is @dorisdeals
1. “Leave no trace.”
The idea is to leave the room in the way that you exactly left it. Like tidy up after yourself as soon as you can. A tidy room is a tidy mind. It is not about obsessive cleaning, more like taking your cup or plate back to the kitchen to be cleaned as soon as you finished eating drinking.
Doris says she finds it quite hard to do especially as some younger parts are quite messy. So shes chosen 3 that she always does.
1 – always put my keys in the same place as soon as I enter the house (that’s being mindful of arriving home)
2 – always take my shoes off as soon as I arrive home and put them neatly in the hallway before I go into the rest of the house (it’s being mindful arriving home too)
3 – put my pyjamas under my pillow so they are tidied away and ready for the night time. (Last night is then in the past and tonight is then in the future.) (It’s also easier to find them!)
2. Washing up mindfully
Taking time to wash up, and only wash up rather than rushing onto the next thing.
Feel the water, notice the soap suds, notice the clattering of the plates, squeaking of the sponge against the plates.
The idea is that you’re doing something in the present. By only focusing on the washing up you’re not worrying about the past or dashing off to do something in the future. By only focusing on the washing up, you’re giving your mind a rest from thinking about the past or what’s next.
well i wish i could say saturday was a good day. it wasnt. the morning was ok and quiet enough. i went back to bed after my breakfast and slept until 11. then i got up and went online. i had fun talking to my friend doris on twitter. she kept me company right up till dinner time. i was anxious and panicky and started to feel agitated going down to dinner. the thought of eating overwhelmed me and emily was feeling it too. she switched out with me once we got to the dining room. No amount of trying to stay present worked. we ended up just eating a yogurt and some mousse. and drinking a cup of milk. after dinner things got much much worse. we got a text from our aunt, one of our aunts who was going to the party for our other aunt that evening. i’m not sure if i said but one of our aunts was turning fifty and the family were all going for a big meal and some drinks afterwords. obviously i couldnt go because i wasnt stable enough to go out and they were going at 8 PM for dinner. so my aunt Ber texted to thank me for allowing them to use a voucher that i’d won. the text sent me over the edge and made me cry. it was so nicely worded. she told me she was sorry i wouldnt be there and she was going to miss me and would be thinking of me and was grateful i’d allowed them to use the voucher. so then i spent half an hour crying over not going with the family. then i started missing nitro and spent another half an hour crying over him. wishing i could cuddle and snuggle him. wanting to rub my hands along his fluffy head and get a kiss from him. wanting to feel his tail thumping off of me as he got excited to see me. i was alone with my thoughts in my room. i didnt want to bother anyone. i felt if i did they might think i was just looking for attention. next thing you know this girl Larissa, a patient from another room across the hall came in to the room. she stood by my bed. i didnt know it was her at first so i said who are you and why are you by my bed. she told me her name was larissa and she had weed and did I want some. I said no thanks I dont use it. and she threatened me that i’d better not tell anyone she offered it to me and left. and my head started to reel. drugs arent allowed on the ward. what should I do? I knew Larissa was dangerous. she was not someone to be messed with. i knew i had to do something, tell the staff about it but part of me was so scared she’d beat me up if she knew i’d told. i took a breath and went out and i met claire who is the patient in the bed across from mine. i told her that larissa just offered me drugs. she said she had seen larissa smoking weed in the smoking room and offering it to other patients also. i definitely knew i needed to tell the staff then. i went and got my key nurse laura. i started crying and told her i had something serious to tell her but that I was so nervous to tell her in case of the consequences. i blurted it out that larissa had offered me drugs. then i told her how scared i was that if she found out it was me who told she’d do something terrible to me. laura told me not to worry that I was safe, it was the nurses job to keep me safe and that she’d deal with it and larissa wouldnt know it was me who told. by this stage larissa had gone overnight on leave. laura came back in to tell me she’d be writing up an incident form and when larissa came back on the ward tomorrow they’d deal with it then. i’m assuming they’ll search her or make her do urine samples or something. i think weed stays in your bloodstream for a month after you smoke it. so after all that i couldnt eat supper. i spent w2 hours crying due to flashbacks. because in the middle of all that the flashbacks kept on coming, stronger each time. i kept hallucinating my abusers faces. I kept feeling their hands on me. I kept feeling their penises in my mouth. it was hell. laura gave me some more ativan but it didnt do much. the night staff came on and got the hand over. then more things kicked off. a patient tried to hang herself in the bathroom. she was found and things were ok but she had a big mark on her neck. just knowing that has happened caused me to go into melt down again. i spent the rest of the night anxious, crying, having flashbacks, etc. it was horrible. i even threw up my night meds i was that stressed out. at one point we switched and a little not sure who brought our pillow on the ground and layed there for a while. she felt safer doing that. the nurse came in to check and asked us if we felt safe down there and when we said yeah she said ok and didnt make a big deal of it. i slept about 3 hours i’d say in total. i awoke a few minutes ago with a massive headache. probably from all the crying. i just took something for the pain. i really hope i’ll have a better sunday. so glad saturday is behind me.
The Poisoned Parrot
Imagine you’re given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot – it doesn’t have any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It‟s bird-brained after all. It recites things parrot fashion‟ – without any understanding or comprehension. It‟s a parrot.
However, this particular parrot is a poisoned and
poisonous parrot. It‟s been specifically trained to be
unhelpful to you, continuously commenting on you and
your life, in a way that constantly puts you down,
For example, the bus gets stuck in a traffic jam, and
you arrive at work 5 minutes late. The parrot
sits there saying: “There you go again. Late.
You just can‟t manage to get there on time
can you. So stupid. If you‟d left the house
and got the earlier bus you‟d have arrived
with loads of time to spare and the boss would be happy. But you? No way. Just
can‟t do it. Useless. Waste of space. Absolutely pathetic!”
How long would you put up with this abuse before
throwing a towel over the cage, or getting rid of the
Yet we can often put up with the thoughts from this
internal bully for far too long. Decades. We hear
that „parrot‟, believe the „parrot‟, and naturally get
upset. That then affects the way we live our lives –
the way be behave towards others, how we are, what
we think about others, what we think about the world, and how we think and feel about
We can learn to use the antidote: just notice that parrot, and cover the cage!
“There‟s that parrot again. I don‟t have to listen to it – it‟s just a parrot”. Then
go and do something else. Put your focus of attention on something other than
that parrot. This parrot is poison though, and it won‟t give up easily, so you‟ll
need to keep using that antidote and be
persistent in your practice!
Eventually it will get tired of the towel, tired of you not
responding. You‟ll notice it less and less. It might just
give up it‟s poison as your antidote overcomes it, or
perhaps fly off to wherever poisoned parrots go.
Adapted from “The Malevolent Parrot” – Kristina Ivings
i just woke up with the most horrible nightmare. my body is shaking and sweat is rolling off of me. this is the third time tonight i’ve woken up. its now 4:30 AM. i doubt I’ll get back to sleep tonight. i dont want to try i am too scared. each time i’ve woken up i’ve gone out to the nurses. they’ve been great. the first time i woke i was crying and saying over and over “it seemed so real”. the nurse Ciara reassured me i was safe and nothing bad was going to happen. the second time i went out I told her i just needed to check that someone was there. she said i did the right thing in coming out. the third time, i didnt go out. i just got on my phone and replied to my blog comments. thanks everyone for leaving such nice comments for me. its so awesome to get such good feedback. i love all of my readers. i think i’m going to check email now. someting that will distract me.
so finally we saw dr. barry today. she came to get us about 12 PM. it felt so good to see her. her little boy is ok, he just has a chest infection and she said he hadnt slept very well last night, he’s only 3. i asked her if she was wrecked and she said no that she’s used to broken sleep what with having kids.
then we got on to talking about the episode I’d had. she said she didnt think it was the ptsd reaction like the nurses thought it was. she called it some name but i cant remember what it was. a medical name anyway. she said it was as a result of a combo of too many meds over a 24 hour period. when i named out all the meds i’d had on monday night going into tuesday it certainly made a lot of sense.
we talked about the ptsd and dissociatoin. i told her how liz and I have been pretty much holding the system together. and how much of a strain it is on us. she asked me is hospital making me feel safer? i said yes. yes because i am contained on one place, it is ok for all of what happens to happen because i will be looked after, there are staff here who watch me and wont let any harm come to me.
i asked her if maybe next week if I could go off the ward and go to the basement club for a couple hours a day. she agreed to this and thought it was good progress and a good positive thing for me to do. she said to wait until tuesday though until she sees me so we can firm up the plans again.
then came the biggy. i told her how since i’d come into hospital there were at least 3 doctors who[‘d been so curious about my did.
asking a lot of questions. fascinated by it. and that i had a plan. she
went to interrupt me but then she changed her mind and said go on you finish
first. so i said i’d like to educate the junior doctors on did and what
its like to live with it. she said really? you would? and i was like hell
yeah i would. every friday morning they do what is known as a case
conference where they have a presentation on difficult cases or a difficult or
unusual topic she said what would happen is that dr. Wall would ask me a series
of questions after the initial presentation. I’d be in a room with dr.
Wall and she’d ask me about living as a did person and about the disorder while
the camera in the room feeds back to another room where all the doctors, nursing
staff, social workers etc are. Then once I’ve finished they all discuss
the case and implament a plan going forward and talk about the best treatment
goals and outcomes. I’m happy to help them if they want my help. Dr.
Barry was delighted with my wanting to help them.
making sure I was given my injection of xeplion which was supposed to be given
last wendesday. she said she wants to wait a while longer before reviewing
the lyrica. she wants to see will there be any improvement in my symptoms
before discontinuing it. she said I could have ativan at night if I need
it and that she was willing to continue that for now.
definitely be here another week if not more. i’ve been here almost 2 weeks
now already. it was a great appointment though and i felt so good after