I am feeling so much grief

i feel it
the agony
the pain
thinking how evil my abusers were
to hurt an innocent child
thats what i was
but to them, I was nothing
a punch bag or play thing
an object for their own gratification
i was a nobody to them
just something to be used and thrown away
when i think of all i’ve been through
i cry
silent tears
grief so strong it almost kills me
how could anyone do this?
how?

Quote from Furiously Happy

closertohappiness

“When we share our struggles, we let others know it’s okay to share theirs. And suddenly we realize that the things we were ashamed of are the same things everyone deals with one time or another.  We are so much less alone than we think.”  – Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy.

If you enjoy quirky humor and random stories, you might want to read Furiously Happy by author and blogger Jenny Lawson (of The Bloggess).  She’s also refreshingly honest about her experiences with mental illness. I definitely felt less alone after reading the book. Also, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed out loud so much while reading something.

View original post

Lots to say Saturday

so i’m having a good weekend. yesterday was quiet. i did absolutely nothing. i basically just chilled out for most of last night. its nice to just do that sometimes. get into your pj’s and watch tv. unfortunately because i’m on this diet i didnt snack on junk food but thats cool. i dont feel like i am missing out. this morning my PA came over. she was late because her alarm didnt go off so she slept in late. she was only about 20 minutes late though and she made up the time. i had to laugh because when she arrived i started teasing her telling her she must have sped up the road to make it to my house in such a quick time frame. she did some cleaning while i ate breakfast. then at 10 AM I had to go get my lip and eyebrows waxed. that went well and the girl who did them was talkative and so the time went by quickly. when the girl who does them talks to me it seems less painful and i dont feel the waxing so much. the waxing was half price today which was nice too. when i got done i booked an appointment for next saturday morning to get my nails done. i am going to get the shillax on my nails, which is a kinda nail polish that they put over your own nails. they have all sorta colors and i think i plan on either getting a pink or purple color. after we got done in the beauticians we went to the butchers. i got some steaks and some lamb chops. then we went to the grocery store. i didnt have to buy much this week. still though even though i didnt buy that much i managed to spend the best part of 50 euro on food. i wanted to buy sugar free jello but they didnt have it, they must have been out of it because i couldnt find it anywhere. in the end i ended up buying jello already made up which was only 10 calories per serving but it was very expensive. i got myself a fruit salad for lunch and a turkey and cheese rap. we came back to my house and my PA did my ironing and washed dishes and then we ate lunch together. We were playing with Nitro and taking pictures of him which I posted to facebook. My PA tried to get a picture of herself with him but he wouldnt cooperate for her, he just kept moving around and was acting all goofy so in the end she had to settle for just a picture of him by himself. at 1 PM she dropped me to my parents house. i am staying here tonight and having dinner here tomorrow. i always well almost always have dinner at my parents on sundays. also tomorrow i have to help my sister with her college work. she wants me to type stuff out for her. i plan on having another chilled out evening tonight, just watching some tv with my parents and reading my books. i am currently reading two books right now, the girl without a voice by Casey watson and run mummy run by cathy glass. Cathy glass is having a new book coming out this week so once i finish run mummy run I’ll start reading her new book which is called the silent cry.
What is everyone else doing for the weekend? Do you have any plans?

Weight loss, week two

I so my nutritionist this morning. She weighed me, I’ve lost half a pound this week. It’s not a lot but I’m still very proud, I’m heading in the right direction at least. Since I lost a lot of weight last week it’s only natural that it would slow down this week. I’m going to try to work harder on exercise this week and exercise at least four days in the week for 30 minutes each day. I’m also going to try to drink more water, I want to try and drink 1.5 L each day. I’m proud of my achievements because losing weight isn’t easy. It takes effort and is very hard work. I’m really glad to have the support of a nutritionist, she is very good, and she guide me each week, it’s also good to be weighed each week, it gives me incentive to keep on going.

Sleep what works, what doesnt?

i really, really need to do something about my sleep pattern. i am not sleeping again. i was up at 4:30 AM yesterday morning, so you’d think by 9 PM last night I’d have been exhausted. and i was. i went to bed, and fell asleep without much trouble. i didnt even read my book. but i woke at 2:30 and that was it. i couldnt get back to sleep. i got up because i didnt see a point in lying there and just thinking, in my eyes thats a dangerous thing to do. so now i am up, drinking tea, contemplating having a shower, i have an early apt today, a 9 AM apt to see my nutritionist. today is weigh in day for me. i’ve been mostly good this week with what i’ve eaten. so i am hoping it will show on the scales. i am thinking my body only needs around 5 hours of sleep a night. its looking more and more like that since that is all i seem to get and i am able to function on that much sleep. i should probably engage in more sleep hygiene things. eileen wants me to take my tv out of my bedroom. i said i’d think about it but i am not wanting to do that. i love my tv. she says the magnetic field is messing with my brain. she also wants me to put my phone and computer out of my bedroom at night. again, nooooo. what if there is an emergency? i need my phone. i will put it on silent, that will have to do.
Do you find it hard to sleep? Do you have any tips or tricks? I’m all ears so tell me what works for you!

I WAS SO TRIGGERED, I JUST NEEDED A RESPONSE FROM MY THERAPIST

HI, ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY I WAS VERY TRIGGERED. I TRIED ALL DAY BUT THE FEELINGS WERE LINGERING. I DIDNT KNOW WHAT WOULD LESSEN THEM. IN THE END I TEXTED MY THERAPIST. THIS IS WHAT I SAID. EILEEN, I FEEL OVERWHELMED, I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I CANT PUT WORDS ON IT, I JUST FEEL INCREDIBLY SAD, I’VE TRIED EVERYTHING BUT NOTHING IS WORKING, I REALLY NEED TO TALK TO YOU, CONNECT WITH YOU, LIZ. THAT WAS AT 5 PM. I HEARD NOTHING AND SO I LAY DOWN AND TRIED TO SLEEP. I KEPT MY PHONE NEXT TO ME JUST IN CASE SHE RESP9ONDED, I WAS HOPING SHE WOULD. THEN AT 8:30 A TEXT CAME IN FROM HER. IT READ, HI LIZZ, SORRY I COULDNT RESPOND EARLIER, HOW ARE YOU DOING NOW? INSTANTLY I FELT A LITTLE BIT BETTER. SHE HAD RESPONDED AFTER ALL. I TEXTED BACK AND TOLD HER THINGS HAD CALMED A LITTLE AND THAT I WAS OK AND WAS RESTING NOW BECAUSE OF LACK OF SLEEP THE PREVIOUS NIGHT. SHE TEXTED ME BACK AND TOLD ME TO HAVE A GOOD REST AND TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I WISH WE COULD HAVE TEXTED MORE. BUT I AM HAPPY SHE RESPONDED AT TO ME LEAST. THAT VULNERABLE PART OF ME FELT HEARD, VALIDATED, AND THE TRIGGERED FEELINGS DISAPATED.
LIZ

a heads up, my other more private journal

I have another blog, a more private blog, where I will be writing more detailed posts about therapy and other presonal stuff related to my past and my triggers and things.

if you would like to follow me there, please request access by following the link below.

http://manyinone1980.wordpress.com/

this blog will still be used for quotes, blog challenges, and other random info of a not so personal nature.