the afternoon is dragging

i’m restless. i dont know why. i am also anxious. and i am not sure why that is either. i have no reason to feel anxious. i’m getting a break from the flashbacks. i havent had any this morning. i’m trying to figure out the trigger to my anxiety. the ward is so quiet. one of the other patients has the radio on. i am finding that comforting. its nice to listen to music as i work on my laptop. dinner time was hard going. i refused to eat anything. two nurses tried to get me to go down to the dining room. but i refused. i was sleeping and promptly went back to sleep. then about a half hour later one of the male nurses came in and said i had to eat something because i am diabetic. so he got me a yoghurt and a banana and i ate them. i wasnt trying to be difficult by not going to the dining room but i really hate the dinners. the food is always cold and its not nice either. the potatos are stodgy. the meat is not cooked to my liking. the vegetables are hard and not done the way i like them. so why go down if i dont even like the food? sure I could have had a yoghurt or some bread and cheese. but i dont know I was just in a mood and didnt want to eat. natasha came in after lunch and asked me if I’d eaten. i told her yes i ate a yoghurt and a banana and she said ok and left it at that. i rang my mom after lunch but she was just about to have her dinner and so didnt want to talk to me. it made me feel rejected so i promptly hung up on her. i felt sad that they were all eating a nice dinner in moms house and here i was stuck in the hospital with horrible food and no one to talk to. i rang back after about half an hour and we did talk. i felt sorry that i’d reacted so badly like a spoiled brat. so yeah thats where things are at this afternoon. i’m still in my pajamas. didnt even bother to get dressed today. just having a lazy sorta sunday.

Weight, weight loss!

Yes, I’m still trying desperately to lose weight.

I feel as if I am miserably failing at it though. I havent seen my nutritionist Karen in a couple of weeks, due to being in hospital.

Before I went into hospital, I weighed 100.7 KG. Yesterday I had the nurse weigh me and I was 99.2 kg. So I must be doing something right.

I have been trying to eat less junk food and eat more healthily. But in the hospital I havent been good about eating much of anything that constitutes healthy food.

I am hopeful that I can keep going though and that the numbers on the scales will keep going down.

Baby steps, right?

sunday morning

its quiet on the ward this morning. i slept ok i guess but i did wake up a few times. twice i went out to the nurses station. one time the nurse ber made me a cup of tea. the other time i went out to see if they had my inhalers, but again the doctor never wrote me up for them, so now they need to be ordered.
I ate breakfast, of cerial and toast. My blood sugars were good this morning. then at 10:30 when I went to have a cup of tea I ate a yoghurt, and one of the nurses came running after me saying the yoghurt was full of sugar, so obviously when the student nurse who gave it to me got it she forgot to get a diet one.
that is not my fault!
my named nurse today is called natasha. She is really nice. she came to my bed space a little while ago and chatted to me for a while. I really connected with her.
i talked to my mom this morning too on the phone. she went out last night with my sister and aunts. i was jealous that i wasnt there. she said they had a good night.
Natasha just came in to do my care plan with me. The care plan is a plan that the doctors review before the ward round on tuesday. It asks things like what you found difficult this week, what you found easy, what you’d like to achieve next week etc. They read your care plan and then from there they make a plan for you.
i think the rest of today will be uneventful. at least I hope so anyway.

Attachment pain

i feel like crap. everything came to a head a few minutes ago. i’d been having flashbacks all morning. i was shaking violently and feeling nausious, like I was going to be sick. I couldnt even eat dinner I felt that bad.

After lunch I asked for a PRN haldol. The nurses were hesitant about giving it to me. One of them came in and was like did you try everything else? And I was like for fuck sake, well in my head I said it, I wouldnt ask if it wasnt an emergency. Idont take these drugs lightly. I dont even want to be relying on them.

Then a second nurse came in and I told her i was going to ask for one yesterday but then I pushed through and didnt ask in the end. She wanted to know why and I told her honestly it was because I wasnted/needed to be ok for my mom. I told her today just wasnt a good day and I really thought the haldol would help.

No such luck. They finally gave me 5 MG of haldol but it did absolutely nothing. I still feel as bad now as I did when I took it 3 hours ago. In fact I feel even worse.

About an hour ago I went out to the nurses station and asked my named nurse amanda if i could have a chat to her. She told me to wait 5 minutes and she’d be in to me. That never materialised. So then I was left feeling like no one cared. I didnt matter. I was just inconveniencing everyone. It didnt matter how I was feeling, I am bad for wanting attention. I am taking up to much time and space and I need to die.

I lay on my bed in tears. I wanted dr. barry. I wanted her to sit with me, because, she gets it. And she gets me. I wanted her more than anything or anyone. I cried because she wasnt here. I cried because I was hurting. I cried because the flashbacks were so bad. I cried for the little parts who were struggling so much with dr. Barrys absence.

I eventually decided to try to go out to the nurses station again. A student nurse Jenny whose been extremely good to me since I came in asked me if I was ok. I disolved into tears and said no. She came in to my bedspace and talked to me. I told her I wanted dr. Barry. I told her it felt like Amanda didnt care. She reassured me that the nurses all did care about me. That they’d been very busy but that they were here and would talk to me if I needed them. And now that dr. Barry is away for a week, I should trust them and try to reach out to them. I was like I dont know! I still want dr. Barry because she gets it. No one understands the severity of the flashbacks.

She said that she was running a quiz and did I want to join in. First I said no, but then she said I didnt have to participate that I could just sit by her and be present during it so I said I would go. Then I told her that I felt suicidal. She tried to make me promise that I wouldnt hurt myself. I couldnt. I’d be lying if I did. So I didnt.

I guaranteed my safety just until the quiz was over and we could talk again. Then she left me on my bed still feeling like crap. A couple of minutes later amanda came in. We talked a little and she told me I could fight this. I told her she had no idea how difficult it was. She said I needed to challenge my thinking. Yeah, whatever, easier said than done.

I told her I miss dr. Barry a lot already and she hasnt even been gone a day. She didnt get the intensity of the attachment to dr. Barry. But I didnt expect her to. Its just awful. I just miss her so much.

I just want her to reassure me I’m ok. This will pass. Someone understands what its like for me. Someone gets it. I might ask Jenny if she has the perfume dr. Barry wears with her. If she does maybe she will let me spray some on my teddy bear. It would be comforting.

I could really use some support. I’m really struggling today.

being on the ward: rambles and thoughts

my mom visited me last night. i was glad to see her. she brought me some nice treats. an easter egg, some crisps, cookies, other chocolate, and some drinks. all yummy things which i am in need of since my diet in here consists of cerial, toast, yoghurts, and tea and coffee. and possibly ham sandwiches if they are there at supper time. its a nightmare and the food in here is so disgusting. half the time when you get your meal its almost cold. i’m like nooooo i’m not eating that!
mom stayed for about an hour. she gave me the card from my sister for my birthday. i opened it and my sister had given me 50 euros. i need to text her this morning to say thanks for that, it was kind of her to think of me and give me that much money. now i have enough money between what my mom gave me and what my sister gave me to get an external hard drive for all of my music. yay so happy about that.
after mom left i felt much brighter. and then dr. barry came in and that even lifted my mood more. so it turned into a good night. things on the ward were quiet. no major incidents. i did not take my meds until 11:30. before that I had some tea and I ate some of the biscuits mom had given me. tea is usually served at around 10 PM. one of the nurses usually brings it to my bedside instead of making me go out to where they serve it. so anyway i told rebecca who was my nurse that I’d wait until 11:30 to take my night meds. The later I take them the better, and the more I will sleep. And I did sleep.
I took a while to fall asleep but once I did I slept for around 4 hours without waking which is good for me. I woke at 4 AM and went out to the nurses station. One of the nurses, my favourite nurse, Marie, talked to me for a while and then brought me back to bed. I managed to fall back to sleep for another 2 hours. At 6 AM I got up and went back out to the nurses station. Maureen was writing her reports and said she’d bring me a cup of tea just as soon as she finished. So then I went back into my bedspace and got online. And I stayed online until breakfast time. Maureen did bring the tea and it was lovely.
I ate breakfast this morning. I usually eat breakfast most days, because it is the only meal I really enjoy. This morning I had cerial and toast with marmalade on it. Its saturday so going to be quiet today on the ward. There wont be much going on. No groups unless the student nurses try to do some but there are no OT’S and no nurse therapists on duty today and normally at the weekend its just quiet.
I need to text Eileen to let her know I am in the hospital. I will do that this morning. I’ve kinda been avoiding it. Not sure why. Maybe because I feel she’ll be disappointed with me for going back into the hospital and being unable to cope with the triggers around the ritual dates and my birthday. I know thats highly unlikely but part of me worries that she will.

I wont see mom again until Monday or Tuesday. She doesnt drive and she hasnt got a lot of money to get taxi’s. I understand and am ok with just calling her instead of physically seeing her.
Not sure what I am going to do for the day. Probably a lot of being online catching up on blogs, doing email, maybe watch some tv shows since I have my external hard drives with me.
Hopefully I’ll have a good day. So far I am feeling good so thats positive.