Yet another sleepless night. I really need to get the prescription that Dr Barry gave me. Unfortunately I wont be able to get it now until probably Friday at this point. Its just annoying that at 4 AM I am still awake. When the world is asleep, or at least the people in my part of the world are asleep. Today is therapy day. I think we have to talk about a lot today. I’m not sure how to start. But I know we have to talk about RA stuff, and cult stuff. I am nervous. But I am always nervous when I have to discuss heavy stuff or memories. It never gets any easier even though I trust Eileen implicitly. I tell her more than I tell anyone else, well besides dr barry. The two of them are the people I tell most things to. So I shouldnt be scared, but it still feels scary. Like my thoughts are jumping all around, I am thinking what if I say this or that and eileen thinks I am nuts or thinks I am horrible and disgusting and awful for the things I had to do? Its nuts. I hate when my mind whirls and spins and wont give me a break. I am going to the gym this morning. Maybe pounding the treadmill will let me release some of my pent up stress. I am gonna put on my earphones and crank my music up loud and exercise like a maniac lol.
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret, And you help somebody every chance you get.
from “My Wish” by Rascal Flatts
Day 3: What are your top 3 pet peeves?
1 Ignorant people
2 People who say one thing but mean something else
3 People who never ever have anything positive to say, who constantly just whine.
I had my exam today. It went really well. I’m very pleased and I think I did good on it. I wont get the results for a few weeks I’d say but I forgot to ask my instructor when she would be giving them to us so it could be sooner. I was pleased with the sort of questions that came up though on the paper. I had 1 hour 35 minutes to do it but I did it in an hour so I didnt even need the extra time allowed. I had a reader and all he had to do was read some text that I had to type into a document, he literally got money for doing nothing. He was just there as a back up in case I needed clarification on anything. I’m happy though and thats all that matters, right?
I also saw Dr Barry today. We talked about my sleep, and I told her it hadnt been great. I told her I havent slept a whole lot and its down to the time of the year, I am really struggling with this month and triggers and stuff. So she said I could have a sleeping tablet for a few nights. So she has written me a prescription for zimovane, I’m not sure of the other names for that drug. I have taken it before and she said it only lasts four hours in your bloodstream before its gone. So I dont mind taking it for a few days, as long as I am not groggy when I wake up thats cool. We talked a little about this time of year and my emotions and triggers around that. I told her there had been increased contact from past abusers via phone and email. We talked about therapy and I told her Eileen had said we’d have an extra session next week. Next week I wont see Dr Barry, I’ll be seeing Juliana her junior doctor. I told Dr Barry I would probably not talk much about much of anything to her because I dont really know her and so I dont trust her and its just hard to open up to someone I dont really know. Dr Barry understood and said it was just important I had someone to talk too while she wasnt available. She said if I wanted the weekend service next weekend to let Juliana know and she could refer me. Basically that is a service where there are psychiatric nurses and they will either call to see you in your home or check in with you over the phone, during the weekend. And if you need to be hospitalised they can arrange that too. Its a good service and they have been helpful for me in the past so I think I’ll opt to take them as extra support. I’m sure Eileen will also do a phone session on halloween night, since that is the big trigger date. We talked a little about my exam and college. And we also talked about more relationship stuff. I also told her about a convo I’d had with my mom about a week ago where she was really open with me about my mental illnesses, moreso than she usually is around that stuff. Dr Barry said how she feels my mom and I have a better relationship now than we’ve had in the past, and even though she doesnt always get it right, she’s still my mom and she does still love me which I do know on some level. Its just hard when she doesnt acknowledge the did and alters and how sometimes she doesnt always know how bad things are for me, because I keep a tight lid on stuff a lot of the time, so much so that unless you really knew me you’d never know I was struggling. I told her I’d joined the gym and was gonna go 3 times a week if I could. She knows on those days I have a 5:30 AM start and she asked me if I had thought it through completely. Of course I havent. Funny but my best friend Sarah also said something similar to me when I mentioned it to her. Are you sure that’s a good idea she said? lol someones trying to tell me something, two people in fact, I think I need to listen. But the stubborn part of me wants to give it my best shot. Anyways, that was the appointment in a nutshell.
I’ve had a really productive morning. I got up at 5:30 AM. Headed to the gym at 6:45: I had an awesome experience at the gym! The instructor was really friendly, he showed me what to do, and he kept checking I was ok and managing the machines and he even got me some water during the work out. I did 20 minutes on the treadmill and 10 minutes on the bike. The bike was a little hard and I felt tired afterwords. My legs started to get sore five minutes into it. But I’ll stick with it and I know it will get easier given more time. I got a timetable of the classes they offer. I want to start spinning class on Saturday mornings. I also asked the receptionist about becoming a full member. The membership fee is normally 320 euro for the year, but they have a new offer that if you go at off peak times you can get membership for 200 euros. That sounds like a great deal to me. Right now I don’t have the money so I am paying 4 euro 50 each time I go. But hopefully soon I’ll be able to join as a full member. Nitro was well looked after and when I came to get him after my workout the receptionist said he was a star and she enjoyed looking after him, she also said everyone who passed was enthralled with him. lol that’s his cute ways hahaha. Anyway I am energised now and feeling great. I’m going back again tomorrow. I’ll probably go 3 times a week to start with and once I’m a little fitter I’ll increase that. I am so happy though with the level of disability awareness that this gym has. Top marks from me go to leisure world bishops town in cork!
Ok. I decided I was gonna make a blog challenge. So here is what I propose.
Every day, for a month, write one positive thing that you did that day. So do it for 30 days. Start and finish whenever you like.
Please link back to this post if you do the challenge!
I am joining the gym
Day two: Write something someone told you about yourself that you will never forget
You are strong. You are courageous, and resilient. You have great determination. You are brave!
All things my therapist and psychiatrist have told me numerous times.