A nice afternoon

Yesterday we had a really nice afternoon.

Myself and another member of the basement club, and the co-ordinator went for coffee and cake. The co-ordinator took us to say thank you to us for doing the talk last week.

It was a beautiful sunny day and we sat outside. The restaurant had a scrumptious menu full of gorgeous cakes. We all chose to get hazelnut and raspberry roulade. I got a latte, and the other member got tea.

We sat chatting and sipping our tea and coffee and munching on our cake, it was so good. Nitro was with me too and he was having a great time because another man came along with his king charles dog named patch and they made friends.

We stayed there for about 2 hours. I felt happy and content. It was nice to have a couple of hours of just socialising with others, it made me feel normal, no anxiety, no low mood, no ptsd symptoms, it was just awesome.

Shopping disaster

OMG. I just went grocery shopping with Kristen. We were going up and down the aisles, getting what I needed. The next thing I knew, a whole tray of croissants went on the floor. My purse had knocked them. The people who were working there were really annoyed. It was a fucking accident! They kept giving us dirty looks and talking amongst themselves I’m sure about what happened and what I did. Kristen was going to report them to management. But I told her not to. I feel really bad now. I really didnt mean to knock them I was just distracted and didnt take care when I passed them. God, sometimes I’m so clumsy.

i want her, i need her, scaredness

i want eileen so bad right now it hurts i hurt my heart is hurting i just want a hug i need her i want her to make everything better and tell me i’ll be ok so sad so alone so scared so so scared i just need her i need a hug and reassurance that this is ok and i’m not crazy

Share your world March 13th

Do you push the elevator button more than once? Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

No. I dont believe that pushing it makes things go faster. I push it once then try to stay still as the elevator goes but I get agitated easily and fidgety and anxiety takes hold!

Do you plan out things usually or do you do them more spontaneous (for example if you are visiting a big city you dont know?)

I’m spontaneous. I never plan anything. I just go with the flow. I like adventure.

Describe yourself in at least four uplifting words.

Caring, generous, loving, friendly

If you had a choice which would be your preference salt water beaches, fresh water lakes, ocean cruise, hot tub, ski resort or desert?

Definitely beaches and hot tub! I love both of those! Very relaxing just my cup of tea!

The share your world challenge is hosted by see over at


I like it when she cares

was just listening to eileen read. she recorded that a couple months ago. for the kids mostly. but it soothes me too. she also recorded herself doing a guided imagery thing for us about disney world because we’ve been there and that is a safe place for us. she also recorded some grounding techniques, breathing exercises, she did them in the recording and we try to copy her. i love that she cares enough to do this. it feels so nice to have someone who cares about us so much that she’d make these recordings for us to have. she feels just like a mom. but then the reality sets in and i get so sad because i know she isnt my mom. but oh how we wish she was our mom. she is kind, she is safe. she loves us, but not in a mom sorta way. she cant. she has her own kids. but her hugs are awesome. and she has given us her empty rose scent bottle, to remind us she is with us always. we just have to smell it and we are reminded of her. senses, they are funny things. right now i desperately want to email her. maybe i will. maybe i will just say help i am struggling. i need you. i need a mom. i need a hug. i need love and attention. is that too much to ask?

Anxious and sleep stuff

I’m very anxious. My anxiety got high all of a sudden. I think it was because Lexi came out and was afraid of the dark. She is triggered by dark and night time.

I put the radio on. I also walked around my house. Trying to show her its ok, we are safe. I think it has worked.

I still feel the anxious feelings though. My stomach clenching and a tightness in my chest.

It sucks. 😦