i’ve had a very anxiety filled day. i’ve felt anxious and on edge all day. i cant seem to shake it. i am not sure what its all about, except that its there and its very debilitating. i talked to my mom and she has come around, she said she will visit me tomorrow evening and bring me some of my clothes and other things i forgot to bring. so then i had to ring kristen back and tell her that its ok i didnt need her to come. she was glad my mom was coming though. i know my mom is very stressed right now. i feel so stressed out as well, and I am not even the one waiting to hear if i have cancer or not. but the not knowing is really effecting me. i texted eileen earlier to tell her i was in the hospital. she texted me back and said she was sorry to hear that. i didnt send another message to her. i wanted to but i couldnt think what to say so i didnt bother to send one. i might send one tomorrow asking if we can have a phone check in on monday during our regular session time. i wont see dr. barry again now until tuesday. i wish i saw her on monday. i have a lot on my mind and could use her to talk to. i havent eaten very much today. i ate yogurt, and brown bread and cheese, and for lunch i ate a bowl of soup. and that was pretty much it. the food is crappy and they have me on the diabetic diet which is even worse than the regular food. Its just been a kinda bad day. I need to sleep but I cant. I am just so freaked out, scared, and very overwhelmed. I dont know if I should ask for a haldol or not. i think i need one. this anxiety is really bad. my nurse just came to me to talk to me. his name is john. i asked him about the haldol. he said if i could manage without it until i take my night meds then do that, but if i need it in half an hour he’ll come back in and give it to me then.
so yesterday we saw dr. barry. i didnt think we’d see her because she doesnt normally see patients on Friday. But she came and got us and we went to he r office to talk. A junior doctor and a medical student wer in there also. I really didnt care. I opened up and talked to dr. barry. We talked about suicide and myplans. I told her that I had made plans, I was going to slit my wrists, then I thought that wont work, so I decided I’d take all of my pills that I had in the house, then I decided that I’d probably survive that too, so I decided to burn the house down with me in it. So yeah as you can see really severe thoughts of suicide. I think dr. barry was a little taken aback when I said I was planning on burning the house down. She said you’ve never had thoughts like that before. Which is true, I havent.
We talked about my anxiety. I asked her for something for the anxiety and she wants to increase my lyrica, I already take 300 MG of it at night. She wants to add more in. I’m not convinced the lyrica works to be honest. I wish she would have said I could have ativan. I may ask her on Tuesday if I can have some. The anxiety has been so high and really bothering me.
We talked about my ptsd symptoms. I told her they were flaring up, and i was having a lot of flashbacks. I was also startling really easily. She said she thought it was all stress related, and due to all the pressure I was under which is probably true.
Other odds and ends are…my mom. i rang her a couple times yesterday but she refused to really engage with me. She was cold, and distant. She actually asked me if I was enjoying it in the hospital. I think she really thinks I like it here. She was really hurtful to me and so too was my dad. I could hear him in the background and he was saying how I didnt care about my dog, I only cared about myself etc. Dr. barry had told me I did the right thing coming for help, that I have to look after myself in all this. She said she thinks my mom will come around but I doubt it very much. Mom told me to get kristen my PA to get clothes for me. So I called her and she said she’d do it on sunday. She’s going to come to the hospital get the key from me and go to my house and get some clothes. I have two sets with me but thats only going to get me through the weekend.
The ward is pretty quiet, i know two of the patients in here. Annabelle and donna. They are members of the basement club. The rest of the patients I dont know. One is very wound up all of the time. One doesnt want to be here and keeps crying saying she wants to go home etc. That is distressing. I’m lucky though, it could be a lot worse. Today Saturday there wont be too much going on. It will be a quiet day.
Its been a long night. We went in patient. It was a long process. Basically yesterday I started feeling very low, suicidal, and having psychotic symptoms. My ptsd flared up and I started startling really easily, having awful flashbacks, and generally being in a panicked state. I had gone to the basement club to try to distract myself. But as the day progressed I got worse. A friend normal called over at 5 for a while to try to be a support to me. Eventually at 6 PM i rang the hospital and asked to speak to the assessment nurse. she was busy so couldnt take my call but the nurse I spoke to told me to go to A and E and be seen. But I had Nitro, and there was no one to look after him. I had rang my mom and told her I needed to go see the doctor. She wasnt very sympathetic and said I was stressing her out and she didnt need the stress. She also said she couldnt take Nitro, that I’d have to make alternative arrangements. So then I rang the guide dogs, hoping they could do something for me. There is a case of kennel cough in the guide dogs kennels right now, but they gave me a number of a kennel that does a lot of work for them. They said if I put Nitro in there for the night, that someone from guide dogs would collect him in the morning and then one of their staff would bring him home and look after him while I was in the hospital. Of course at this point I didnt know whether or not I’d be going in. So i got a taxi and brought Nitro to the kennel. It was so hard to leave him there. He’s never been in kennels before and I was worried how he’d react. After taking him to kennels i went to A and E. I told the guy at reception that I wanted to see the psychiatrist on call. A nurse talked to me and then they rang for the assessment nurse to come down. She was really nice. Her name was Sinead. I’d never met her before. She took a really extensive history from me. I had to answer a lot of questions and that was hard. Most of them I’ve answered before but because she didnt know me I had to do it all over again. Then she said she’d get the doctor. Luckily the doctor on call was dr. wall. Dr. Wall used to be on dr. Barrys team and she’s really nice, she’s really easy to talk to. She came and talked to me and I told her what was going on with my mom, and my dad, and how stressed I felt, and how I’d been hearing voices all day telling me to kill myself, that I was worthless, no good, that people would be better off without me etc. The two voices I was hearig arent insiders voices, they are two male voices. Hearing those voices really triggered me. And made me agitated. Eventually dr. Wall said she’d talk to the consultant and she did and she came back and said they were admitting me. It was 1 AM when I went upstairs to the ward. I was exhausted. I knew the night nurse that was on duty, he r name is rebecca. She gave me my meds, and something to eat, she made me some toast. And eventually I fell asleep for a couple of hours. I’m glad to be in a safe place. I’m on the acute side of the ward right now. Thats the side of the ward where sicker people go but that was the only place where a bed was free. They might transfer me today over to the sub acute side. I dont mind if they dont though. I’m happy to stay on the acute side, its easier to navigate. My mom isnt too happy that I am in here. She’s barely speaking to me which is making me sad and I am worried about her but I need to look after me too, as rebecca told me last night. And my mom is never happy when I go in patient. She’d prefer I didnt go in to the hospital at all. Hoping to see dr. barry today but dont know if that will happen as she doesnt normally do a ward round on Friday. If I dont see her today I probably wont see her until tuesday. That will suck. Anyway just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with me.
Just found out mom will have a scan on the 16th. The hospital just called her. It wasnt the private hospital though. She is not going to go privately now to have the scan, since the other hospital were so quick and called her with a date. They told her it would take an hour and a half, and then she’d have to go upstairs to the rapid response unit, where the doctor would give her the results of the scan. So she will have her diagnosis on the 16th. So 11 days from today. It seems a long way off but it really isnt. I’m trying to be rational and say well at least she is getting seen to quickly. As quickly as is possible in the public system. And there really is no point in her wasting 200 euro on a private scan if the public hospital will do one and are doing it this soon. I didnt ask her if she’d like us to go with her. I am not sure I want to because I am not sure I’ll be able to handle it if its bad news. If she wants me to go though I will. I could use some prayers and support for the next week guys. This is such a hard time for me.
so last night we had a phone check in with eileen. we were meant to have it on tuesday but I forgot to text her about it. I couldnt believe that I forgot. But we spent half an hour talking last night. It was really good and a much needed catch up. I was able to fill her in on my mom and how worried I was for her. Eileen was so understanding and said that yes this was a really hard time for us all. I told her that I was trying my best to stay ok, and be strong for my mom. My mom needs me and I cant afford to fall apart. Eileen said she was sorry she hadnt been more there for me, but it just fell at a bad time with it being christmas and her being on break. I said I understood. She asked me how the rest of the system were doing and I told her about taylor, about her having had a really hard night on Monday, struggling with hallucinations and psychotic symptoms. I told her how I had a really hard time watching her struggle, and that I felt unable to do much for her. I did try to comfort her but I dont think i was very successful. Right now I am focusing on my mom, and on staying calm for her sake. Staying positive, keeping my own feelings to myself and only talking to either dr. barry or Eileen, or my friends, or the nurses from the weekend team, or my mentor colette. I will see Colette this afternoon at 2 PM. Eileen reassured me that I was doing my best. She was so kind, saying she’d be thinking of my mom. She wished me a good weekend and said we’d talk on Monday. I am looking forward to that.
so we saw dr barry this morning. it was a good appointment. i spent a long time talking about my mom and my worries and fears surrounding her illness. it was good just to be able to talk to dr. barry about it and know that she understood and got it and didnt judge me for having so many fears about things. i told her how scared i was of losing my mom and that i was thinking the worst and i cant help it. i told her i had talked to mom last weekend about it and she hadnt really said much other than to tell me that we needed to keep going on as normal and do what we’ve always done. thats hard for me. my anxiety and ptsd make it hard for me not to worry. everyone keeps telling me not to worry but i still do. i told dr. barry i wasnt sleeping. she asked me if i would like a sleeping tablet for a week just so i could get some decent sleep. i said ok i’d try it. she said normally she’s not a fan of giving people who have chronic sleeping issues sleeping tablets but she said my sleep issues are acute and she felt it would be the right thing for me to have one. so she put me on 7.5 mg of zopiclone. hoping that will help me sleep tonight. she said if one tablet doesnt work in 2 hours that I could take another one. I’m hoping I dont have to take two of them though, hopefully one will do the trick. she said the best thing to do about mom is wait and see what the scan shows so we know what we’re dealing with. she told me that if it turns out mom has cancer then she would get the ball rolling and talk to Karen about fighting harder for extra PA hours, and putting some extra supports in place for me. she put another referral in for the weekend team again this coming weekend. but instead of phoning me they are going to do a home visit. I said I’d prefer a home visit, because its easier to talk to someone face to face instead of on the phone. I hope someone I know is on duty this weekend. That was the bulk of my appointment. At the end I told her I wanted to tell her something. Then I told her how much I appreciated her seeing me twice a week over the past couple of months and how much I felt it was helping me. She said that wasnt a problem and she was glad it helps and she thanked me for saying that I appreciated what she was doing.
Don’t Wait! Start on your dreams, your impulses, your longings, your special occasions today. Because this is your moment.
Mary Anne Radmacher