just sad

i am feeling very sad. the past and the present are colliding. i am really triggered. it feels like the pressure inside is building and has nowhere to go. memories are swirling. i want to cry. i cant though. my tears seem to be stuck somewhere inside of me and wont come out. i am alone too which isnt helping. i woke at 5 AM. i wanted to go back to sleep and pretend life wasnt happening. pretend that i was ok and happy. but life doesnt work that way does it? i thought that things would be different and this month would not be so bad. wishful thinking though. october sucks big time. halloween, ritual dates, yeah, it all just sucks. i wish it wasnt so. i am tired of fighting all of the time. i am tired of memories. i am tired of hard dates coming up. i am just tired and sad and overwhelmed.

Poem…its when

its days like these that i just cant take
its times like this when i just want to break
its when no sleep comes
no matter how much i plead
i only want some peace
and my soul to be freed
its when my head hurts so bad
that all i can do is sigh
or maybe just wish to be able to break down and cry
its when my pain gets unbearable and it hurts so much
its hard for me to keep going
without just a touch
its when i get so very cold
and the loneliness sets in
i know that no ones listening
my strength must come from within
its when the depression comes
and everything feels so bad
i can only wish for some peace
or to not feel lonely and sad
its when i no longer can fight
because i kneel down in defeat
and when no energy is left
i know i must retreat
its when i’m all but finished
because my race has been run
and when i am drowning and sinking
i know that i am done
and its when i fight
just to survive on my own
although its times like these
i’d rather die than be alone

No sleep

i’ve had no sleep. i kept trying to sleep but couldnt. despite that i am feeling good. happy. life is good. this morning i am going to a wellbeing course with a friend. its on for 2 hours and i’m looking forward to it. hopefully i dont fall asleep during the talk. that would not be good. it feels so good not having to deal with triggers. normally this time of year is the pits. it probably will get bad over the coming weeks but for now its not and for that much i am happy. life you can keep going good for now ok? i’ll be eternally grateful if life stays on the up and i stay stable.

Therapy this week

we had a great therapy session this past monday. we mostly talked about the possibility of me working. we talked about what would need to be put in place so that our having did would not effect our ability to do the job. that if we get the job of course. heres hoping we will…fingers crossed. we discussed me possibly ageing. eileen said she thought i was really reflective and she felt if i wanted to that maybe it would be a good time to try ageing up from 19 to say 21 and go from there, do it slowly over time. i still dont know how i feel about it so i’m waiting a little longer before i make a final decision. we talked about emily, emily is 12 and has been having some issues with throwing up lately. this is because she is scared of change, and so she is trying to control food and how much food we put into our body. eileen is going to work with her next week some more because we cant have her throwing up its just not a good coping skill. liz was out for a while too this past monday. her and eileen talked about the fact that she is feeling low and quite depressed. she liz is struggling with being 16 and having the emotions of a 16 year old but being stuck in the body of a 36 year old. she is finding it tough to be a teen and she is wondering about her purpose now that she rarely cuts and doesnt drink to numb her feelings. eileen told her that she has plenty to offer the system and working together with me we could form a great team. liz still isnt fully convinced though. we are going to work on putting some groundrules in place about switching and when that can happen. i told eileen i want to work on being more in control and not allowing the littles to just switch out when they feel like it as it can be problematic and actually quite dangerous. i need to work on presenting as a competent adult. i keep thinking that people can see some huge differences in us when we are out in the world or talking to outsiders but eileen reassured me that actually no that they dont, that i present as normal and you’d never know i had did or insiders if you werent told. i’m glad about that because if i am to have any chance at this job opportunity i need to be focused and present fluidly and as a competent person. it was a good session though and i feel we got quite a lot accomplished.

Tuesday ramble

i’m having a good day so far today. right now, i am at the basement club. i am doing an extra shift this week since the other girl who usually volunteers cant do her shift so i said i’d do it for her. i’m almost done now, it was just an hours work doing data input and answering the phone. then it will be lunch time yay. i’m starving and cant wait to eat my ham and cheese sandwich, chips, and fruit. this morning my PA came and we did my grocery shopping. i had a list and i worked off of that so i did not overspend which is good. my mom has insisted that i make a list out each week and go from that and that way i cut down on what i am spending. it seems to be working for me. i got the ingredients to make a spaghetti bolognes for tomorrow and thursdays dinner. i also got the ingredients to make an omlette for today. i was also sure to get my cappachinos because i love them so much and i was craving them for the past couple of days but i didnt have any in the house. we didnt really get to do anything else because going shopping took up most of the 2 hours but my PA did some ironing, made my bed, cleaned the work surfaces in the kitchen and washed up my dishes for me. nitro was happy because i bought him a box of dog treats, well they were on sale and i couldnt resist. i have mentoring this afternoon with julie. i’m excited to see what information she has gotten about publishers for my poetry book. i’m still in the process of writing out all of my poetry because some of it was written years ago and i didnt have a computer back then. i also need to submit my application form for the peer support worker job i am applying for. i filled it out yesterday. it took me hours because it was 21 pages long! i thought i’d never finish it. i’m happy with it though i think it turned out good. it had to be signed and i can only do an x so i got the student who helped me fill it out to witness me signing it and then sign it too and i put a cover letter in to say what i had done. that way there will be no confusion about it. i will post it later today. it has to be in by friday at noon. also next monday is world mental health day and the basement club are doing some stuff for that and i said i’d help out. my job will be to get some conversations going about wellbeing and mental health. it should be a nice day. there is also going to be some growing of seeds, and some people giving out ribbons and some people doing art. i’m glad i am involved with world mental health day. i think its so important to highlight mental illness. all too often it is overlooked and just not talked about.