In a fog of Dissociative blackness

There is a blackness hanging over me, this black cloud. I don’t feel real. I am very dissociative, I am typing but it doesn’t feel like me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel very weird, and distant, like that far away feeling I sometimes get when I think about my past. I don’t know what triggered me. I have no clue. One minute I was sitting in front of the TV, drinking my bottle of water. The next, my body is shaking, my heart is pounding, and I am getting sucked into a vortex of dissociation. I thought drinking a few sips of my water would ground me. But it didn’t. I feel anything but grounded right now. God I feel so weird. My hands are all shaky, and they don’t feel real. My fingers are touching my keyboard…but I don’t feel at all present in my body. Breathe, Carol Anne, breathe. I’m trying, but breathing doesn’t come easy to me. I hold my breath, until I am almost at the point of passing out. Seriously. I forget to breathe. I think it was all of the near drownings I went through in the cult, where my abusers would hold me under water, until I was almost passed out, then, they’d release me, and I’d be gasping for air. Now I reinact the same thing, I hold my breath until I can no longer do it, then, i’m almost choking, and I am gasping for air, sucking in huge lung fulls of air, as if I’ll never see air again. Very odd. Well I suppose other survivors of this sort of abuse would not think so. But normal people, people who didn’t experience any abuse of this kind, or trauma, would probably find this hard to believe. But I swear it is the truth. It is my truth.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland. View all posts by Carol anne