On suicide

sometimes I have trouble seeing the good in the world

I know it must be there somewhere but it’s blocked from my view

and in those times when it’s blocked I feel suffocated by the hurt and pain inside me

I feel like I can’t walk another step, or look around one more corner trying to find the light

in these dark times reason doesn’t come to me, and love does not get thru

I am truly alone in my agony

it is in these times that I feel most vulnerable to dark thoughts and ideas

an end to the pain and suffering, no matter what it is I have to do to achieve it, is appealing

an end, just an end to it, starts to seem like it is the good in the world

suddenly what is irrational, dark, cruel even, seems light and full of hope to me

suicide is seductive, it makes its way into my life like a saviour

it promises me the things that I want, rest, silence, final peace

and it speaks nothing of the pain that I would leave behind for others to pick up

it doesn’t tell me about right and wrong, good and bad, or fairness to those I love

and in the dark times when I cannot feel the love, I cannot seem to recall it either

I feel like, in these times, I chase a forbidden fruit, a poison apple

and I can taste it’s bitterness even though I have not yet swallowed

the bites I’ve taken

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland. View all posts by Carol anne