Notes to self

-I will feel intense pain and unhappiness. This will pass in time. The rage, the grief, all of it won’t be there forever. I will feel happiness again.

I am not alone in the world. I have friends and family. Reach out to them. Tell them what they can do to support you. Be specific, they might need help in helping you.

Don’t lock the pain away. If I do so, it’ll just fester inside and the wounds won’t heal, making me paranoid and cold. The only way out is through.

I will feel very isolated. There will be feelings of love and community again. I will feel part of something again.

Hang on to your dog, the most loyal and loving and most importantly: uncomplicated beings in your life. Treat him with love and with patience, even if and especially when you feel like giving up.

Breathe. Keep breathing and coming back to the present moment. Remember as above: everything, even this pain, is temporary.

Write. Write it all out in journals, in terrible poetry, in stories. Use your pain on the page and transform it into words. It’ll help relieve some of the pressure. Nobody has to ever read it unless you want them to.

Go for walks and use your body. It’ll help you focus on the now and clear your head.

Clean when you have the energy. Having an uncluttered apartment will help you keep the chaos inside at bay.

Talk to your alters. They are inside of you. They are parts of you. Lean on them for strength. Lean on them for advice. You all have been through terrible pain again and again. All of you together make you a survivor. Don’t lock anyone out. Help the younger ones understand.

Be kind. To yourself especially but also to others. Being hard, cold and angry will make you and everyone else unhappy. There’s no connection in it, just more pain. You need connection.

Keep up your routines as much as possible. They help you structure your days and will help you structure your mind. Routines make you feel safe.

Take your meds. Get in touch with your psychiatrist and therapist if you feel you can’t go on or you don’t know how to get through something. They’re there to help you. They might have tools you don’t know anything about yet.

Stay open minded and open hearted. Please don’t shut everyone out. Reach out to people around you. Be vulnerable. Not everybody will know what to do or say, but there will be those who do. Cherish every connection and be grateful. They are rare and beautiful.

Eat. Try to eat a veggie and some fruit every now and then. The food will help you gather your strength and it’ll help you think.Keep breathing. We will get through this. Keep breathing and breathing…

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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