Therapy: Processing memories, and processing anger at abusers

Therapy today was so productive!

We got there 20 minutes early, and Eileen had forgotten to open the door to the therapy room, so the taxi driver John knocked on her door, she came out, and let us in. Then she was like, your in short sleeves! And I’m like, Eileen its 17 degrees! She’s like, oh, tell my body that! Lol.

Then as we sat down she said, do you want a cup of coffee?

I was like, yes please! So then she’s all like how do you like it? I said with two spoons of Splenda and a little milk!

After a minute or two she came back out, and she was all like, I brought the milk and Splenda out with me, do you want to put your own sugar and milk in or will I do it?

I told her she could do it because I was too lazy!

Then I sat drinking my coffee until we started our session!

We started out talking about weight, and that led on to a discussion of our body, and what we think of it.

I told Eileen that its not just Emily who hates our body, that there are other insiders who hate how we look.

Eileen said she was interested in helping them and working with them, so she asked us if there was one spokesperson who would be willing to come out and talk to her.

Alison, whose 25 was going to come forward, but she’s extremely quiet and shy, so she wasn’t brave enough to actually talk today.

However Eve, whose 10 decided that she wanted to talk to Eileen, and Alison decided that she’d come and be with Eve and watch what was going on.

Eileen put a chair in the middle of the room, and she put her chair right next to it.

She welcomed eve and they started talking. They talked a bit about our body, and why she hated it so much, Eve said that she didn’t want to be skinny, she felt it was dangerous to be skinny, and she felt that if we have some weight on us and are fat, no one will hurt us.

She told Eileen that when the body was 25, a few insiders decided that we needed to put on some weight, up until that time we were very skinny, our eating disorder had been out of control up until then.

They began to talk about when we were kids, and Eve started to have some memories coming up about when the body was 10 years old, memories to do with sexual abuse, and stuff that our abuser did to us and Eileen asked her if she’d be ok to talk about them with her.

Eve got scared, and she said she was afraid to say the words.

They used the flash technique, a technique that allows you to bring up the memories for a minute or two, then you blink your eyes 3 times, and you talk about something else then, not the memories, you talk about something that you enjoy doing.

So Eileen asked eve what she liked to do. Eve said she liked music. Eileen said, which artist do you like? And eve told her she loves Taylor Swift, then Eileen was like, which song? Eve said she likes the song shake it off. And Eileen went and got her phone and started to play the song! She asked Eve if she’d like to dance to the music with her, but Eve was too shy to dance. But just then, Darina, who isn’t shy, came out and she was like, I’ll dance, I’ll dance.

So Eileen asked her which song she’d like to dance to.

She immediately said she’d like to dance to the song baby by justin Bieber.

So Eileen put it on and they danced! It was so cute! They had so much fun!

Then She asked Eileen to play baby shark, you know that annoying song? Lol. So she did, and they had more fun singing and dancing to it.

After that Eve came back out, and they did some more work on the memories, but not too much, they did a little bit, where she did tell Eileen a little about our abuser, and what he did to her.

Liz had come to be with Eve by this time, and she was standing there while Eve told Eileen what the abuser had done to us.

She said to Eve, to tell Eileen that she’d like to kick the shit out of our abusers.

So Eileen was like, ok, lets do it! Liz was all like what? How will we do it?

So Eileen said, I have a gym ball here, and we’ll use that. I’ll get it out, and I’ll hold it and you can kick it.

So that is what we did. Liz kicked it over and over expressing all of her anger at our abusers, she did it twice, after the first time of doing it for about 2 minutes, Eileen told her to breathe, and she held her hands and she was being very gentle, and telling Liz that she’d done great, and that she could feel the energy of all of the anger, and when she held our hands she felt our aliveness.

It felt so empowering to be able to express our anger like that!

I love how creative Eileen is to have thought of doing that.

We decided not to go any further today but we’ll come back to it next week, and Eve can work a bit more then with her memories, we’re not finished this piece of work yet.

It was a really great session though, I’m really pleased with how it went.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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