A hard therapy session

Therapy was tough today. We discussed a lot. Mostly it was about my family history. And we also discussed my time in the bording school for the blind.
Eileen was so understanding, she said I was very brave, and that me talking to her about the family and about my time in the bording school really filled in a lot of the gaps in my history for her.
I talked about my dad. Basically he’s really reactive, but I know its not his fault. He wont get help, but I think he’s too scared. He had a very hard life. He was abused growing up not by his parents, but by the people who were supposed to be giving him an education. When he became an adult he turned to alcohol, and that numbed him, blocked out his pain.
Then his mom, my grandma, killed herself, when I was five. She threw herself in the river. She was only 65. I barely remember her, although I do have a few memories of her.
After that, he blamed himself, he kept wondering why she did it, he had no answers. Now he barely talks about his mom. I think its too painful for him.
I was telling Eileen that a few years ago, when we were overdosing a lot, he was always very supportive of me after the fact, like, he would talk to me, try to give me advice, try to get it out of me why I kept overdosing. Eileen said he was able to resonate with my struggle, because he probably felt the same way, in fact I know he did.
It felt so difficult talking about the family history, I also told eileen about living with my dads mom and sister and brother when I was little, I lived with them from the time I was born until I was 2, and while my memories of that time arent strong, we do have infant and toddler insiders who come out occasionally and are non verbal, but have a lot of body memories, there was a lot of violence in the home when we lived there, my aunt and uncle were very abusive. My mom has told me she lived in fear, and she’d try to protect me, and eventually she told my dad they had to move out, she was so afraid for our safety.
I barely ever talk about all that, I get so anxious when I have to talk about it, but today, Eileen made me feel so calm, just listening to her voice was so soothing.
After my session, I slept all afternoon, I got a bad headache after the session, plus I felt so exhausted, that all I was able to do was go to bed and sleep.
Now I am reflecting on all of the things we talked about. I will try to spend some time thinking about all of it.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

11 thoughts on “A hard therapy session”

      1. You are welcome! If you can, I’d love for you to visit my blog. It’s similar to yours and I talk about the darkness and how we can still experience joy and hope in the midst of it. I think you’ll like it. thanks 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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