My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness.
I said, “No, we all seem to enjoy it.”
Telling a person to calm down is
about the same as baptizing a cat.
I thought the dryer made my clothes
shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.
I thought growing old would take
Went shopping while hungry – now I’m
the proud owner of Aisle 6.
Camping: where you spend a small
fortune to live like a homeless person.
Just once, I want a username and
password prompt to say: “close enough.”
Being an adult is the dumbest thing
I have ever done.
I’m a multitasker. I can listen,
ignore and forget all at the same time!
Went to an antique show and people
were bidding on me.
I won’t say I’m worn out, but I
don’t get near the curb on trash day.
People who wonder if the glass is
half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.
Retired: under new management. See
spouse for details.
When you can’t find the sunshine
… be the sunshine.
I don’t have grey hair. I have
I’m a nightmare dressed like a
Sometimes it takes me all day to get
My heart says chocolate and wine,
but my jeans say, please, please, please, eat a salad!
Hold on while I overthink this.
My spouse says I have two faults.
I don’t listen and…something else.
Never laugh at your spouse’s
choices. You are one of them.
“dammit I’m mad” is “dammit I’m mad”
One minute you’re young and fun.
The next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.
I’d grow my own food if only I could
find bacon seeds.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be
working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.
Day 12 without chocolate…lost
hearing in my left eye.