Late night ramblings.. not sleeping…struggling…

     If you were to read my journal right now, you know I am really struggling, and have been all day. I am really feeling depressed.  Since I am not sleeping right now, I told my mom that I would try to do some writing and so here I go with my rambles,   instead of sitting around watching cartoons all night.  So I love to go and sit in the park and watch nature.  I always walk nitro in the park, because it is left “natural” frequently where the grasses grow tall, etc.  I often think about killing myself in this park, because no-one would ever find me in the tall, natural grasses.

My dog loves to run through the grasses, disappearing and then “popping up” in another spot.  He thinks I don’t hear the grass moving when he is in it…. and I always pretend I am surprised when I see him come out at a different place.

Nitro wasnt well recently,  , so he and I kind of just sat in the grass watching the clouds and napping as our sisters dog starlet ran around in and out of the grasses, chasing herself….  Next thing my mom said to me,  when she looked more carefully at what Starlet was chasing, I realized she was chasing butterflies.  In the location I live now, there are more butterflies than I have ever seen in my whole life.  All colors and sizes…flying, floating, sailing, soaring, and sitting on flowers and grasses, with such a magical gentleness.  They are so delicate, but some travel thousands of miles across different countries to get home…so they are very strong as well.

I really like butterflies, although until today, I never thought about the connection my life has to butterflies.  As I watched Starlet chase them around,  I started thinking about the parallel between a butterfly and an abused child.  It is remarkable..

Seriously, follow me here…

Butterflies start out as caterpillars.  Some are big, some are small, some are one color, some are many colors, some are fuzzy…there are so many varieties.

Have you ever seen those big fuzzy wuzzy ones that you just want to pick up and hold…and the minute you do, they pee or poop in your hand, making you wonder why you picked them up to begin with?  Some types of caterpillars do alot of damage, as they eat leaves and destroy things to survive.  In fact, many caterpillars are considered “pests.”

In order to become a butterfly, the caterpillar must find a special place to attach itself, usually a safe leaf; so that the magical changes and growth can begin to take place.

Once attached, the caterpillar begins to shed its layers of skin to develop a chrysalis.  Over time and in the safety of its chrysalis, the caterpillar changes and grows.  As time progresses, the caterpillar breaks free from its chrysalis and emerges a brand new butterfly…with wings ready to explore.

There are so many chances along the way where a caterpillar could fail at becoming a butterfly.  It could never attach to that special place, the conditions of the chrysalis could be wrong, the conditions around the chrysalis could be wrong, or the butterfly could be released too early.

Do you see how remarkable the comparison is to abused kids?

Do you see what nature is showing us?  Abused children come in all shapes and sizes and colors and ages just like caterpillars.  Some are destructive, some are “pests,” and some pee and poop all over when they are scared (like a caterpillar being picked up by a big-ass human!).  But over time and with the right conditions, abused children will attach to someone special (a foster parent, or adoptive family) and magical changes will occur. The abused child will “shed its skins”  and in the safety of that family, the child grows. As time passes, with continued safety and with the right conditions, the child emerges differently than when the child started…

…the child is like a butterfly; emerging with a new outlook on life or a new life all together.

If abused kids don’t attach to that special person, they may never begin the magical process of change.  If the family is not safe or the conditions are not right, the child may not grow.  If the child is released too early or with not enough change, disaster could ensue.

Change… from a caterpillar to a butterfly…. Change.

See?

Safety and an attachment

— and a caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly. As I watched Starlet chase all the butterflies, I thought about where my change from a caterpillar to a butterfly was halted.  Like most abused kids, things went wrong for me at the attachment stage…the very beginning of the process.  I never “found that special place to attach,”

—- so the magical change never really began at all.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

Talk to me! I love comments!

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