I ALMOST SHOWED HER

HI. ITS LIZ. I WANTED TO COME ON AND WRITE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED DURING THERAPY ON MONDAY.
ME AND EILEEN WERE TALKING ABOUT SELF HARM, BECAUSE, WELL, MY URGES LATELY HAVE BEEN SO STRONG.
I WAS TALKING TO HER ABOUT KAY, THE NURSE UP IN THE OUTPATIENT CLINIC WHO RECENTLY WHILE GIVING ME MY INJECTION ASKED TO SEE MY CUTS. I REFUSED TO SHOW HER AT THE TIME, SAYING TO HER, IF I WONT SHOW MY THERAPIST OF 8 YEARS, THEN I DEFINITELY WONT SHOW YOU, SOMEONE I BARELY KNOW.
IT REALLY UPSET ME THAT SHE WANTED TO LOOK AT THEM.
I FELT ASHAMED OF THEM. I FELT ASHAMED OF MY MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS.
“WOULD YOU LIKE TO SHOW ME”? EILEEN ASKED.
“I THINK I WOULD, I SAID. BUT I AM TOO SCARED.
“I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’D NEVER JUDGE YOU SHE SAID. THERE WILL BE NO JUDGEMENT.
SELF HARM IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. ALL I WANT FOR YOU IS FOR YOU TO BE SAFE.
I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN UP THE COURAGE TO SHOW HER, ANYWAY, THE CUTS ARE ALMOST HEALED UP NOW.
AND HOPEFULLY I WONT SELF HARM AGAIN FOR A LONG TIME, I’M SAD THAT I DID RECENTLY. I WAS DOING SO WELL. IT WAS A BIT OF A SETBACK.
A BIT OF A BACKWARDS STEP!
I’M TRYING TO REMEMBER EILEENS WORDS. ITS A WAY OF MANAGING THE OVERWHELM. SHE DOESNT JUDGE ME FOR IT. I SHOULDNT JUDGE MYSELF EITHER.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

6 thoughts on “I ALMOST SHOWED HER”

  1. I am so sorry that this happened for you. I am glad that Eileen is not judging you and that you know that you do not have to judge yourself. I am sad that you felt so bad at the time though and I hope that you will feel at peace again soon.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You arecso so welcome. Sometimes I feel like self harming too, but I have only got asvfar as scratching myself deep rught down my arm with my nails. I think I know something of how you feel, but maybe for different reasons.

        Liked by 1 person

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