This afternoons therapy session

therapy was good. it was really productive. we felt so validated, we felt really seen and heard. eileen was so attentive to us.
We talked about the last week, and Liz told her how triggered she’d been, and how she’d self harmed on saturday, eileen was very compassionate and told her she wasnt at all disappointed in her for self harming.
“You did it, its over now, and you can learn from it” She said. Wise words.
We talked about our abusers trying to contact us, and Eileen said that people calling from an unknown number might not actually be them, which we had thought of, sometimes scammers and other people do call us from unknown numbers, and we hadnt answered the phone so we cant be sure it was actually people from our past trying to make contact with us.
“What if you said that you were going to take back your power? What if you said that you wouldnt let the past take another week from you? You deserve to be free, you deserve to not be triggered, so, what if you made a point to not allow your power to be taken? Eileen said.
She kind of irritated me. I was able to tell her though that she’d irritated me. I said to her, its not as simple as a switch going on or off, we dont want to feel triggered, Liz didnt want to self harm this week, we’d rather have a nice week, its not like we wake up and say oh, today I think I’ll feel triggered, right?
“Oh I know, she said. Its just an observation, there’s no judgement, I’m not judging you. I know better than anyone, that its not as simple as turning a switch on or off, I’m sorry if I made you feel angry, its ok to be angry at me.
But then I felt bad for being angry at her. I told her, she said for me not to feel bad.
“You dont have to feel bad, she said. I wont disolve. If your angry at me, its ok. I can handle it. I would never say to you that you have no reason to be angry at me.
She’s so kind. And so understanding.
We talked about what I can do this week for self care. I said I was going to try and journal each day, and each evening before bed I was going to sit down with a mug of hot chocolate and go on youtube and find a nice relaxing video, maybe some meditation, or mindfulness, and sit down and unwind to that.
We talked about making halloween something to celebrate, I told her I was getting the kids some candy, and we might have a zoom party, she thought a zoom party was a really great idea. Just remember, she said, if the kids are eating treats your all eating them, so be mindful of that. Lol. She’s so funny sometimes.
I told her about my dad and how he had been ill and refusing help for it, and how I’d had to go home early from my parents house because of the stress and not being able to cope with the stress. I said how I’d been trying to get our dad to see sense. Why bother she said, he’s obviously fighting with himself and has a lot going on inside of him, and he’s involving all of you trying to drag you all into it. But you cant save him from himself, only he can do that…so why stress out over it, there is really nothing you or your mom or sister can do, he’s a grown man and he’s going to choose, make his own choices about his own health, but I do understand the dilemma you were in.
She really is so wise, and she’s right, and I am glad I got out of there, it helped to just go home, I had peace and quiet in my own house, in my own space.
I had a bit of a meltdown about not being able to hug her, but she said to me, remember our heart hugs, get a heart sticker, put it between your thumb and first finger, press on it, and imagine me hugging you, but its a heart hug for now. I will do it. I need that connection to her, she said she’d have a sticker too and press on it and think of me.
So it was a great session. I’m feeling a lot calmer now after it. I feel a lot less anxious, for now at least, and I hope I can salvage the week, and not be so triggered this coming week.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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