The assessment today went really well. I was so nervous about it. I actually sat at my computer for a whole hour before the call. I kept thinking about what I was going to say to him, how I’d say it, etc. Would I be shy? Anxious? I knew I’d have some anxiety when talking to him, but I also remembered Remy as a caring, kind and very compassionate man.
Well, as soon as we got on zoom he put me at ease. He was warm, friendly, and I instantly felt comfortable around him. It was a huge relief to me.
We chatted for about 30 minutes. Basically he said he’d spoken to Dr. Barry yesterday, eileen this morning, and he wanted to speak to me now so that he can get a complete picture before he writes his report. He wanted to give me an opportunity to speak up, and say what my needs are.
I was so grateful to be asked about my needs, and to have the opportunity to be able to voice them. I told him about not being able to work in therapy under time constraints, or pressure. He said he understood. I told him how I thought us having to do that would totally destabilise us and send us backwards, he agreed, and he said that is the last thing that we want to happen.
He did ask me how long did I think I needed to be in therapy, that question threw me a little. I said that honestly? I didnt know. But right now that I couldnt envision myself not needed ongoing therapy for the foreseeable future. He said that there will probably be a time when I will say to Eileen that i no longer need therapy, but I am doubtful that thats going to happen. I said she’d said a similar thing to me though in our last session, and that she’d said when that time comes, it will also be a process, and it wont be rushed.
I told him I find talking about the future scary. He said the whole premise of dissociation is so that we dont have to look to the past or future, we’re just in the here and now and dissociating is in the here and now in the present moment, so he understood how talking about my future seems to trigger us.
I told him that even though things are good…even though currently I volunteer, and i’ve gone to college recently, I’ve been out of the hospital for the past 3 years, etc. but still i have severe symptoms going on, severe anxiety, dissociative episodes, ongoing sudden bouts of switching uncontrollably etc. I said that somehow I am managing, but I also told him about my sleep being awful and how nights are super hard for us.
He said that he knows the symptoms can be problematic at times but that I am doing my best to cope with them. He said its great that I am able to speak out and speak up for myself and what I need. Advocating for myself he said is a really great quality to have. I agree.
He asked me did I ever think when he had seen me 3 years ago that I’d be able to say that I am now 3 years hospital free. Did I ever believe that would or could be possible? And my answer, a resounding no. Definitely I didnt believe it. For years I was in and out it was like a revolving door, I’d go in, be in for a few weeks, come out, be out for a month or two and then go right back in to hospital again. I never in a million years thought I could ever be free of the hospital for so long. I have Dr. Barry to thank for that, even though I did the work to stay out of there, she supported me, she didnt hospitalise me a few times when it really warranted it, she gave me an opportunity to explore other options, like meds, more support from her, involving a CPN, her and Eileen talking to each other, etc. For that I am eternally grateful to her.
Remy wants to have another joint call with eileen and me on the 28th of this month, over zoom. He said by then, he’ll have the report ready for the funders, and he said in it he’ll be strongly recommending that my therapy should continue, that it is working, and I am making progress. He said we need to keep going slow, or otherwise there will end up being problems, if we speed up the processing too much. And I agree. I am happy with how we’re doing things. I told him as much. I said the EMDR drains me, and I need to be able to go slow, and he said eileen was doing the right thing, she was not pushing us too hard. And that is the right way to do it.
He said he wants Eileen and me to have a copy of the finished report, and that on the 28th, he’ll go through it with us, and we can discuss options, and explore what we’ll do if for some reason the funders say no and dont approve my therapy. He did say that if they dont he’ll argue the case again, but he also said that they will need to take his opinion seriously as he is an expert on did and trauma and he knows his stuff.
I was very happy with how it all went. He told me how impressed he is with us, how much we’ve worked over these last years to make life better for us and to heal our past. He kept saying, I am so impressed, it felt so validating to hear him say that. It really felt like all of the hard work we’ve done has payed off.
I texted Eileen when we finished to let her know I got through the call ok, she hasnt replied to me yet but she will when she has a chance. Our CPN Sarah also rang us to check in, which was nice. I was able to decompress on the phone to her. I still feel wired, and the caffeine I’ve had today isnt helping matters, sarah said its probably the adrenaline running through my veins, from the anxiety, caffeine and just the hyperness I felt before the call began.
I am very happy though. I did it. I made it and got through it. And now its a waiting game until the 28th.