I’m a train wreck guys

I’m sitting here bawling. I’m a mess, an absolute mess. I cant stop crying. It hit me all of a sudden, everything is getting on top of me. I’m a disaster. I feel like a complete failure.
Today is a RA date, RA stand for ritual abuse for those who dont know. I know some of you might know about RA and some won’t. I cant go into details now, only to say its a form of torture, that I went through as a child. And there are certain dates which hit me like a ton of bricks, right in the gut. I am catapulted into trauma mode, grief, traumatic memories, flight or fight, you name it and I am right there in it.
Today is one of those dates. And I feel absolutely crappy. And on top of that I cant sleep. I’m too scared to go to bed. I’ve already slept a lot today due to being ill. And so now, even after taking my night meds, I am unable to lie down to sleep. I wish I could but fear wont allow me to turn out the lights.
I’m glad I have Nitro here with me, for comfort, he’s not a good watch dog, but he makes me feel safe and secure, like he’s there and if I need a dose of snuggles I can go to him and he’s always willing to have some snuggle time.
I’m also nervous about my furniture coming in the morning. My mom and dad are coming over to my house, but they dont get here until around 10 AM, I’m nervous that the guys who are delivering my couches will arrive on the dot of 8:30, and I’ll be on my own and will have to let them in. I’d rather someone was with me when the couches came. But that just may not be possible. I was told they’d ring before arriving, so I hope that is true. I’m very apprehensive about two strange men coming into my house when I am alone. All I can think is, what if something goes wrong. I am alone, and Nitro wouldnt bark or help me in any way, he’s just not the type of dog to bite someone or go for them.
So yeah, tonight I am a train wreck. I feel so alone and my mind is racing and I am just so overwhelmed. Its gonna be a long night I think. A very long night.

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

20 thoughts on “I’m a train wreck guys”

  1. I’m so sorry you aren’t doing well. I wouldn’t totally discount Nitro in a pinch, he might surprise you. I read a book called “Marley and Me,” a true story about a labrador who was all floppy and friendly who no one would suspect of being a good guard dog. Then one day someone threatened a neighbor’s child and Marley very effectively protected her, to everyone’s happy surprise.

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  3. I had a dog like Nitro. She was so passive and used to hide from strangers. But one day this really weird guy went by and she lost it, barking and showing her teeth. Never again after, except for that one man. Nitro is smart and labs are family dogs so of he senses danger he’ll react. I hope you can get a little bit of sleep tonight..xx

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  4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Carol Anne. I know thise feelings only too well. Most people can’t understand how horrible they are. I pray that you can get to sleep, and I pray that things all go to plan tomorrow. Holding you Carol Anbe. ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks Lorraine, unfortunately I’m not in bed I’m reading blogs listening to the radio and will probably go read my book in a little while, thanks for the hugs and support 😊💖💖

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    1. Hi Rebecca. Some people are just evil, they don’t care. They just do what they want and they don’t worry about the consequences or how would hurt someone else. Thank you for the support. Just woke up got about three hours of sleep. It’s just gone 3 am here now 😘

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