I’m sitting here bawling. I’m a mess, an absolute mess. I cant stop crying. It hit me all of a sudden, everything is getting on top of me. I’m a disaster. I feel like a complete failure.
Today is a RA date, RA stand for ritual abuse for those who dont know. I know some of you might know about RA and some won’t. I cant go into details now, only to say its a form of torture, that I went through as a child. And there are certain dates which hit me like a ton of bricks, right in the gut. I am catapulted into trauma mode, grief, traumatic memories, flight or fight, you name it and I am right there in it.
Today is one of those dates. And I feel absolutely crappy. And on top of that I cant sleep. I’m too scared to go to bed. I’ve already slept a lot today due to being ill. And so now, even after taking my night meds, I am unable to lie down to sleep. I wish I could but fear wont allow me to turn out the lights.
I’m glad I have Nitro here with me, for comfort, he’s not a good watch dog, but he makes me feel safe and secure, like he’s there and if I need a dose of snuggles I can go to him and he’s always willing to have some snuggle time.
I’m also nervous about my furniture coming in the morning. My mom and dad are coming over to my house, but they dont get here until around 10 AM, I’m nervous that the guys who are delivering my couches will arrive on the dot of 8:30, and I’ll be on my own and will have to let them in. I’d rather someone was with me when the couches came. But that just may not be possible. I was told they’d ring before arriving, so I hope that is true. I’m very apprehensive about two strange men coming into my house when I am alone. All I can think is, what if something goes wrong. I am alone, and Nitro wouldnt bark or help me in any way, he’s just not the type of dog to bite someone or go for them.
So yeah, tonight I am a train wreck. I feel so alone and my mind is racing and I am just so overwhelmed. Its gonna be a long night I think. A very long night.
I’m so sorry you aren’t doing well. I wouldn’t totally discount Nitro in a pinch, he might surprise you. I read a book called “Marley and Me,” a true story about a labrador who was all floppy and friendly who no one would suspect of being a good guard dog. Then one day someone threatened a neighbor’s child and Marley very effectively protected her, to everyone’s happy surprise.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I want to read that book so bad, think Iβll try to get it on Audible π
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was a very good book, but like almost every dog book, it had a sad ending.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I saw the movie I know it has a sad ending it made me cry so hard ππ
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sooo sorry for all the horrible things you went through! Prayers for peace to envelops you today!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks a mill I really appreciate your kind comment π
LikeLike
Very welcome dear! β£β£β£
LikeLiked by 1 person
π₯°πππ
LikeLiked by 1 person
I had a dog like Nitro. She was so passive and used to hide from strangers. But one day this really weird guy went by and she lost it, barking and showing her teeth. Never again after, except for that one man. Nitro is smart and labs are family dogs so of he senses danger he’ll react. I hope you can get a little bit of sleep tonight..xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Maybe nitro will come through for me, I hope so, hopefully you wonβt have to but you never know so hopefully if it comes to it he would protect me ππ
LikeLiked by 1 person
Iβm so sorry youβre going through this Carol Anne. I know thise feelings only too well. Most people canβt understand how horrible they are. I pray that you can get to sleep, and I pray that things all go to plan tomorrow. Holding you Carol Anbe. β€οΈβ€οΈβ€οΈ
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Lorraine, unfortunately Iβm not in bed Iβm reading blogs listening to the radio and will probably go read my book in a little while, thanks for the hugs and support πππ
LikeLike
Dear Carol Anne, that anyone would hurt a child is so wrong. Remember how many people care about you and want to support you through this bad memory day. Hugs, R
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi Rebecca. Some people are just evil, they donβt care. They just do what they want and they donβt worry about the consequences or how would hurt someone else. Thank you for the support. Just woke up got about three hours of sleep. Itβs just gone 3 am here now π
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hang in there. Furry friends are known for feeling our pain with us, they’re great unbiased company.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, I did get some sleep, I got about three hours I think thatβs all Iβm going to get tonight πππ
LikeLiked by 1 person
π€ π€ π€
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Sherri ππ
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are never alone Carol Anne
And that is what matters no one should ever lash out in slient terror.
luas dia I do thruas
Alex
LikeLike
Thanks alex! I appreciate that. β€
LikeLike