AN HONEST CONVERSATION

ITS LIZ. YESTERDAY IN THERAPY I HAD AN INTENSE SESSION. I HAD TO HAVE A VERY HONEST CONVERSATION WITH EILEEN. IT ALL STARTED LAST WEEK WHILE I WAS CHATTING WITH DR. BARRY. SHE SAID TO ME DID I EVER IMAGINE A TIME WHEN I WOULDNT BE IN THERAPY. HONESTLY? NO, I DIDNT. I DONT SEE A TIME WHERE THERAPY WONT BE NECESSARY. I CANT IMAGINE IT. THEN SHE SAID, BUT YOU DIDNT SEE A TIME EITHER WHEN HOSPITALISATION WOULDNT BE NECESSARY ALL OF THE TIME. AND YES, SHE IS RIGHT. ITS BEEN 3 YEARS NOW SINCE WE’VE BEEN IN HOSPITAL, 3 YEARS SINCE APRIL. I AM IN AWE EACH DAY THAT ITS BEEN SO LONG. BUT OUR CONVERSATION TRIGGERED US. IT TRIGGERED THE KIDS, AND IT TRIGGERED ME. I KNOW THIS DID ASSESSMENT IS COMING UP. ON THE 28TH OF THIS MONTH. THE ASSESSMENT IS SO THAT OUR FUNDING WILL BE APPROVED FOR ONGOING THERAPY WITH EILEEN. LAST WEEK DR. BARRY SAID THAT SHE HOPES THEY’LL APPROVE IT FOR US. SHE SAID HER TEAM JUST WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO OFFER US THE INTENSIVE THERAPY THAT WE NEED. I KNEW THIS AND ANYWAY I WOULDNT LIKE TO HAVE THERAPY WITH ANYONE FROM THE MENTAL HEALTH TEAM, THEY ARENT EXPERIENCED IN TREATING DID AND HAVE BASIC QUALIFICATIONS. ANYWAY BACK TO BEING TRIGGERED. I AM SCARED OF THE ASSESSMENT, I AM SCARED IN CASE THEY WONT APPROVE OUR FUNDING. EILEEN SAID YESTERDAY THAT I HAVE NO NEED TO WORRY, THAT THERE IS NO POSSIBILITY THAT THEY WILL SAY THEY CANT FUND OUR THERAPY. SHE SAID WE ARE NOWHERE NEAR DONE WITH THERAPY. AND THAT SHE’LL BE ADVOCATING ON OUR BEHALF. SHE SAID THAT YES THERE IS GOING TO COME A TIME WHERE WE’LL PROBABLY SAY WE DONT NEED HER, WELL, I CANT SEE IT BUT MANBE SHE’S RIGHT. SHE TRIED TO HAVE ME IMAGINE WHAT IT WOULD LOOK LIKE IF TRAUMA DIDNT RULE MY LIFE, AND IF MEMORIES AND TRIGGERS WERENT AN ONGOING ISSUE FOR US. I COULDNT DO IT. I WASNT ABLE TO PICTURE IT AT ALL. EVEN WHEN WE USED THE PULSERS AND DID A LITTLE BIT OF EMDR I STILL COULDNT PICTURE IT. MY FEAR OF LOSING THE SUPPORT OF EILEEN IS TOO GREAT. THEN I HAD TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH HER. SO I TOLD HER THAT WHEN I GOT TRIGGERED LAST WEEK AFTER SPEAKING TO DR. BARRY THAT I CONSIDERED DOING SOMETHING TO SABBOTAGE THINGS. I CONSIDERED CUTTING, OR DOING SOMETHING SO THAT WE’D BE HOSPITALISED. JUST BECAUSE I AM SO SCARED OF WHAT GETTING BETTER WILL MEAN. I AM REALLY AFRAID OF LOSING OUR THERAPIST. I SAID THOUGH THAT THERE ARE PARTS OF ME THAT DONT WANT TO GO BACK TO OLD BEHAVIOURS, WE DONT WANT TO DO SOMETHING TO WORRY OUR MOM WHOSE ALREADY STRUGGLING WITH HER OWN ILLNESS, AND WE JUST DONT WANT TO GO BACK INTO HOSPITAL, EVEN ON OUR WORST DAYS WHERE THE DEPRESSION AND PTSD AND ANXIETY ARE SO BAD, WE STILL WOULD RATHER BE OUT AND AT HOME. EILEEN SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE A VERY YOUNG PART OF ME GOT TRIGGERED, A PART THAT WANTS TO FEEL CARED FOR. AND SHE SAID THAT EVEN THOUGH IN HOSPITAL WE’RE NOT REALLY GETTING THE LEVEL OF CARE WE NEED, THAT ANYTHINGS BETTER THAN NOTHING TO THIS YOUNG PART. SHE THANKED ME FOR BEING SO HONEST WITH HER AND SAYING OUT LOUD TO HER EXACTLY HOW I FELT. OF COURSE I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING TO SABBOTAGE THINGS, AND GO BACKWARDS IN MY RECOVERY, IT WAS ALL JUST IN MY HEAD, AND IN MY THOUGHTS, I HADNT ACTUALLY DONT ANYTHING. AND I WONT. NOW THAT I’VE TOLD EILEEN ABOUT HOW I FELT, AND WE TALKED IT THROUGH, I FEEL MUCH CALMER, MUCH MORE SECURE, AND EILEEN TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY, SO I AM TRYING TO GO WITH IT, TRYING TO BELIEVE HER WHEN SHE SAYS I WONT LOSE HER SUPPORT, THAT SHE’S GOING NOWHERE, SHE REASSURED ME AGAIN YESTERDAY, “LIZ, I’M GOING NOWHERE” SHE SAID OVER AND OVER, “ARE YOU HEARING ME LIZ”? I WAS, ALTHOUGH WE GOT REALLY DISSOCIATED TOWARDS THE END OF THE SESSION, IT REALLY DRAINED US AND WE FELT REALLY OVERWHELMED. ITS NO WONDER WE CAME HOME AND CRASHED HARD! IT WAS SO INTENSE. AS USUAL THOUGH EILEEN WAS HER AWESOME SELF, REASSURING, KIND, CARING AND COMPASSIONATE. I AM SO BLESSED TO HAVE SUCH AN INCREDIBLE THERAPIST.

Author: Carol anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “AN HONEST CONVERSATION”

  1. I’m glad you have help, support! It’s so important and I know because I see/ talk with a counselor and life coach weekly! It’s changed my life for the better and given me so many coping tools. I understand your fear of losing that kind of support. Don’t undo all your progress though! I’m praying for you!

    Liked by 1 person

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