From Emily: I am so, done with life

hihihihii feel broken, so, so broken.
my heart aches. I am  in serious emotional pain.
I feel so suicidal and I just want to stop existing.
I dont want to go on. I cant.
The memories are killing me. I feel like the abusers have won.
I am a mess. Everything just feels so overwhelming.
I feel in a constant state of depression. I know others inside arent, but I am.
I don’t know what to do.
I feel like this will never end, this low mood.
I try and try but it wont stop.
I just feel broken. dirty. worthless. stupid. bad. no good.
I think I am beyond help.
I want to reach out to eileen, but i can’t.
Maybe she’s sick of me too. She’d probably say no she’s not.
But honestly? She should be.
All I do is whine to her.
There’s only so much of that people can take.
butterfly hugs,
emily age 12

Author: Carol anne

I am 40 years young. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

21 thoughts on “From Emily: I am so, done with life”

  1. Oh, love. I’m so sorry you are going through this and obviously have been for a long time. What can I do to help you? I am very new to your site so I don’t know you well enough to have any idea and I can’t stand all the cliche phrases we tend to use when we don’t know what to say to someone who is suffering. I know I am a stranger but I want you to know I truly do understand a whole lot about what you are going through. I was abused and my best friend of 15 years has what they use to call mpd. She is convinced I am as well but I have never been diagnosed so I’m not sure. I absolutely understand all the “icky” feelings and the depression.
    I’m here for you. You are worthwhile and as a 57 year old survivor, I give you my word it is possible to find a better place to exist where you won’t have to feel bad like you are now. I won’t lie, it takes work. Your mind, body and soul wasn’t put through a shredder just one time. I am probably way overstepping a boundary but if you want to talk on the phone to someone, I am here and can listen. I’m not tired of you. I’m extremely worried about you. Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do for you. Email is optional as well.
    I am sending you all soft, gentle hugs to have if you feel up to some hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi. Hugs really help. Thank you for the safe hugs. I really appreciate them and they help more than you know. It’s good that you understand me and us and our situation, and welcome to our site, I’m glad you came along and found us. Butterfly hugs, love you Emily 💐😍😘


      1. I’m glad the hugs help. If you ever want my email or phone number, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I am a huge worry wart and I especially worry when I do understand the depth of what someone is going through. I want you know that you are amazing, courageous and spunky if for no other reason than the fact you survived the trauma you went through. Ya know, not everybody does survive. That shows great courage , heart and spunk. There are at least one or more who do want to not only survive but thrive as well or you wouldn’t have gotten this far. Please hold on to that if you can. I know it won’t stop the depression but maybe if you can find and acknowledge the positive stuff about y’all, then just maybe it will outweigh the negative and give you what you need to make it through this.
        I’m not gonna mention my contact info again because I don’t want you to feel threatened in any way. Just know the offer is there if you want or need it. You are in my heart and I’m sending more fluffy hugs your way. ❤️❤️❤️


      2. thanks. fluffy hugs are good. you can send us an email if you want so we’ll have your email address then. carol anne said that’s ok to do. our email addy is I hope your having a good sunday. we had a nap earlier, and I feel a lot better now. butterfly hugs, love, Emily xoxo


  2. Emily, Eileen is there for you, always. She’s trained to be able to handle whatever you tell her or however you feel. Communicate with her always. Also, perhaps you could find one of the grownups inside how is feeling fine to give you a hug. I’m sending you plenty of cyber hugs. xxx


    1. Thank you deb. cyber hugs are god. I love hugs. Jade gave me a huge hug last night, and carol anne sat with me. I feel much better now. butterfly hugs, ❤ loves you, em xoxo


  3. Sending you a big, safe hug, Emily. I wish you could feel better, it’s awful to be in so much pain all the time. I’m sure Eileen is not sick of you. I know that it must be hard for you to believe that she loves you though, it takes time. Hugs. 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

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