I got a secret

hihhihihiii everybody
well i gots a secret
except now its out
i telled dr. barry today
i couldnt keep it to myself any longer
so it is this
i been stockpiling meds
cuz i was going to kill myself
and i was saving up tablets to do it
i was saving a few each week from our weekly script
and now i have a ton of them
i talked a lot with dr barry this morning
she said its good to talk
and she encouraged me to keep talkin
cuz she said if i dont
everything will build and build up inside of me
and that wont be good
so she telled me to get liz
and she asked liz to get rid of the meds safely
dispose of them i mean
so liz will do it for me
so i wont do something
cuz when we had contact from our abusers
they told us
that we are bad and horrible and dirty
and that no one likes us
and we’d be better off if we died
cuz we’re no use to anyone
so that why then i wanted to end it
cuz it is makin me depressed
and sad and feel so alone
so i just felt i needed to do it
dont hate me guys
please dont hate me
cuz i was honest
and i told dr. barry
and she wasnt even mad at me
she was kind, very kind and caring
and it makes me love her even more
cuz how does she like me
after everything
how does she still like me
i dont know
but im glad i telled her
cuz now its out
and now i am going to tell eileen too
i texted her a few minutes ago
and i ask her if she can talk this evening
and if we do
i’ll tell her then
i wont wait until tomorrow cuz i know its important
and she needs to know
butterfly hugs
loves you
emily age 12

Author: Carol anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

41 thoughts on “I got a secret”

  1. Emily, it’s so good you talked to dr Barry about that and that it is no longer a secret now. Your abusers are liars, and I’m sure deep down you know it. Dr Barry doesn’t hate you, Eileen doesn’t hate you, I don’t hate you and neither does anyone else here in the blogosphere, we all like you a lot and we would be extremely sad if you took all those meds and died, so it’s very good you talked to dr Barry about it. I hope it made you feel a little better and you won’t feel the need to do that anymore. Sending lots of safe hugs your way, don’t let your abusers win.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, thank you so much, I’m trying, I’m trying so hard not to let them win. I’m glad I talked with Doctor Barry I’m glad I told her now she knows now and she can help me and so will Eileen Eileen and me are going to talk tonight at 8 pm so will check in then with her and I’ll tell her everything love and butterfly hugs Emily XXX

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know why they contact us they don’t have our blog or Twitter or anything but they contact us via email and phone usually I think they still want to control us somehow were too scared of them to report them XOXO love Emily

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Em, dear, I’m so proud of you for telling Dr. Barry. You are a very important, valuable girl. I would be very sad if you did something to yourself. The thing about the abusers, they are bullies, and bullies don’t care about you, they just want to hurt you so they can sit back and laugh. You just have to make sure they don’t have power over you. I’m glad Liz is going to get rid of the pills. I know you can’t always keep the darks from contacting the abusers, so when they do, don’t keep the contact a secret tel Eileen or Dr. Barry exactly what they say to you. They wouldn’t like that because they want you to keep it a secret, because that’s the way bullies are. xxx


    1. yeah. I agree deb they are bullies. Eileen said what they are doing is psychological abuse. she said its not right. we talked on the phone tonight, and I told her what I did. she said thanks for telling her and we’ll talk tomorrow and try to figure this all out. I hope we can! Butterfly hugs, Love, Em Xoxo


    1. Yeah I am, too Erika! She’s really helpful to me! I am glad that I did tell. I still feel lost and alone but I am gonna talk to my therapist tomorrow and we’ll figure stuff out. Butterfly hugs, love, em Xoxoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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