LIZ: DEAR EILEEN

DEAR EILEEN,
I MISS YOU. I REALLY REALLY MISS YOU. I CANT WAIT UNTIL TUESDAY WHEN WE’LL SEE YOU. THIS HAS BEEN AN INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT FEW WEEKS. THE BREAK HAS BEEN SUPER HARD ON US. WE WANTED TO TEXT, REACH OUT MORE THAN WE ACTUALLY DID. I KNOW WE SENT A FEW TEXTS, AND A FEW EMAILS. IT TOOK ALL OUR STRENGTH NOT TO FLOOD YOU WITH TEXT MESSAGES. EVEN ME, ALL I WANTED WAS TO REACH FOR YOU. TO SIT WITH YOU. I KEPT REMEMBERING THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU BEFORE THE BREAK. I KEPT REMEMBERING HOW YOU SAID WE’D WORKED SO HARD LAST YEAR. AND HOW YOU WISHED US A LOVELY CHRISTMAS. WE DID HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS. IT WAS SPECIAL THIS YEAR. WE ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH. BUT YOU WERE NEVER FAR FROM OUR THOUGHTS. ESPECIALLY MINE. EVERY TIME WE DID SOMETHING, WENT SOMEWHERE, HAD SOME NEW EXPERIENCE, I WANTED TO REACH FOR YOU. TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT. AND I WILL I KNOW I WILL. BUT I FEEL SO NEEDY LATELY. PATHETIC ISNT IT THAT I AM SO NEEDY? I KNOW YOU’D SAY IT ISNT. YOU’D TELL ME ITS JUST A FEELING, AND THE FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. SOMETIMES I WONDER ABOUT THAT. FEELINGS ARE SO OVERWHELMING SOME DAYS. THEY ARE SO INTENSE. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THEM. SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO PUSH THEM AWAY. IT FEELS WRONG TO MISS YOU SO MUCH. AND I WONDER, DO YOU MISS ME? WHEN I’M NOT THERE, I WONDER IF YOUR THINKING ABOUT ME. WONDERING WHAT I’M DOING? I KNOW YOU’VE SAID IN THE PAST THAT WE’VE BEEN ON YOUR MIND IN BETWEEN SESSIONS, SO I’M HOLDING ON TO THAT NOW. I AM FEELING INTENSE ANXIETY TONIGHT. I AM SO OVERWHELMED. I THINK SOME MEMORIES ARE BREAKING THROUGH. I AM NOT ALLOWING THEM TO COME FULLY THOUGH. I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THEM WHEN YOUR NOT HERE TO CATCH US WHEN WE FALL. WHICH WE WILL, BECAUSE THE MEMORIES ARE DEBILITATING. SO I’VE BEEN JUST TRYING TO COPE. I’VE BEEN LISTENING TO MUSIC, JOURNALING, DRINKING TEA. NOT SLEEPING A LOT. TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT WHEN I’M GOING TO SEE YOU. JUST THE WEEKEND TO GO NOW AND MONDAY, AND THEN WE’LL HAVE OUR SESSION. I THINK I CAN HOLD IT TOGETHER UNTIL TUESDAY MORNING, BUT I MIGHT BE A SOBBING MESS COME TUESDAY WHEN I GET TO YOU. I KNOW YOU’LL SAY ITS OK, THAT I CAN BE HOWEVER I WANT AND YOU DONT JUDGE ME. I JUDGE MYSELF THOUGH. I THINK IF I AM A MESS CRYING AND BEING ALL NEEDY, I AM WEAK. AGAIN THOUGH I KNOW YOU’D DISAGREE. SO I WILL HOLD ON TO YOUR WORDS NOW YOUR WORDS OF COMFORT TO US AND I WILL TRY TO JUST BREATHE. BUT MISSING YOU FEELS SO HARD. I AM COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS NOW UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.
LOVE AND HUGS,
LIZ

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

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