Krista: I feel so much shame

its krista. in case you all don’t remember, i’m 11 years old.
right now I feel so so bad. my head hurts so much.
ive been out for a while, and I am trying not to go on the internet, and go into chatrooms. I know I shouldn’t do it. I really wish I didn’t think about sex so much.
I really don’t want to think about it. but it happens. I do. I feel so ashamed. I feel terrible and so bad about myself!
why cant I feel good about my body? why do I hate it so much?
I didn’t ask to be hurt! men hurt me and I didn’t want it!
but they didn’t care! they didn’t care how I felt or what happened to me!
they just wanted to do what they were doing and it didn’t matter how I felt.
it hurts! I am feeling so much shame about what they did!
I also feel ashamed about the fact that I still let people do things to me sexually even if its just on the internet!
why cant I be more like my twin kira! she would never talk about sex or do sexual stuff with anyone!
Eileen said kira had me to protect her and she depended on me and I was the one who was outspoken and kira wasn’t and so now she’s shy and timid and afraid and I am not and she said how it was very creative for us to split like we did!
I am so glad I will see Eileen tomorrow!
I need to talk to her so bad!
right now I am going to try to do something other than go in a chatroom! maybe I can find a good tv show or listen to some music!
is anyone around? if you are maybe you’d leave me a nice comment!
thanks guys! ❀ ❀

krista age 11

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

21 thoughts on “Krista: I feel so much shame”

  1. Hey Krista, don’t be ashamed sweetheart, you are just a kid and nasty people who are less than you did bad things. I’m sure Eileen will help you to find other ways you can be yourself, you’ve been really brave so far, keep being brave, keep speaking with Eileen. 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, Krista, it would be sadder if you didn’t feel ashamed. It means that you care about what’s done to your body and you’d rather it hadn’t happened to you. Now, you don’t need to feel guilty, as it wasn’t something you asked for and the adults that did that to your body should have known better. I’m glad you’ve got Kira to talk to and I hope you can encourage her to come out and talk to Eileen, especially as she can get some tips on how to help you as her twin. I hope you found some music to listen to. Going to chat rooms is not a good idea as the kinds of chat rooms you want to go into contain people who don’t care about behaving inappropriately with an eleven-year-old girl. Perhaps you can get some counsel and comfort from some of the adults in your system. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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