Therapy last week was good. Hard but good. Liz went in to the session, and she started off by telling Eileen that we had parts who were really feeling like it wasnt ok to be ok. Eileen said she’d like to talk to the part who felt like that. She said, can I help? So liz said, be my guest. And that got the conversation started.
A 12 year old part came out. She was very scared. She said she didnt feel like we could be ok, that it wasnt allowed. Eileen teased it out a little, why she felt that way. It turns out she had a lot of responsibility when the body was a kid. When we were in the bording school, she had to take care of younger kids. And even though we were blind, she still had to look after younger kids who were blind, and who had multiple disabilities. Taking care of them on the playground, or doing things for them like getting them dressed in the mornings, washing them giving them breakfast etc.
So now she’s afraid to let go of that responsibility. She’s afraid to let us heal. She thinks we’ll be in some sort of trouble if we do things in life, that allow us to actually have a life. Eileen worked with the pulsers with her for a while, working on her memories of having so much responsibility.
That seemed to help. She seemed to get calmer. But then she also told eileen that our abusers told her that she’d never be ok, she’d never be normal, she’d never do normal things that normal people do. So there was all of that as well.
We started dissociating then, so eileen had us walk around the room with her. Grounding us to the present. It always feels good to walk around the room. It always helps us a lot to do that. Eileen points everything out to us. We stood by the window for a while just taking in the sun. Then eileen had us try to feel the sensations in our body, that didnt go so well. We were holding on to the windowsill, and a part felt like she was going to tumble out of it. I told eileen and she told me to take one hand off the windowsill, and see how it felt. So I did and that felt better. She said the part that felt she was going to fall out the window, that it was a memory. She aked us where we’d feel safest, so we said sitting down, with her next to us. So we sat back down and she sat by us. She held us for a while which felt so good.
It was a pretty intense session. We were so exhausted after it. Working with the pulsers always tires us out. Also, when littles are out, we’re always super tired afterwords. Its like it drains us to have them be out.
I feel we got a lot accomplished though. We’ll probably do a little more work on the memories, on the feelings of responsibility that the 12 year old part felt. I’m sure we will over the next few weeks.