Why?

I’m sitting here thinking. Why? Why do I feel so depressed? Why did I become mentally ill? What can I do to change things? Why me?

I shouldn’t question it so much, I mean, if life hadn’t happened to me, if my life hadn’t been so traumatic, maybe I wouldn’t have mental illness, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten did, or be depressed, or have anxiety, or ptsd.

Who knows what I would have been if my life had been different!

Its a hard pill to swallow!

Tonight I am just having a little bit of a wo is me type of night! I cant sleep. I have tossed and turned all night long.

I need to let it go! But man that’s hard!

I am what I am and no amount of questioning it is going to change me!

Time for me to go make a coffee and then go read my book I think!

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

7 thoughts on “Why?”

  1. It is upsetting when we think of what might have been. And we still suffer from abuse long after it has stopped. It doesn’t seem fair to have to spend the rest of our lives living with all that the abuse did to our mind and spirit. And, usually, our abusers suffer no punishment because there is no proof that would hold up in court or we are afraid of what they might do to us if we spoke their names. Sigh. When we feel like this, it may be time to start thinking of our blessings.One by one, painstakingly, we need to look at them like jewels on a rosary. I start with little things like how the light outside filters through my lovely lace curtains. My wee yellow parakeet speaking the many words I have taught him. My room where I can lock the door and feel safe in my sanctuary. Friends who phone me and take me out of myself and understand how many days are a struggle because the past haunts me with feelings of despair and hopelessness despite my efforts to banish them. These grateful thoughts may not totally remove the awful feelings of the day. But they provide balance. Everything is not bad. Having a roof over one’s head and having enough to eat is more than many in the world have in countries of war and poverty and violence. So many suffer from the violence of men. This is not meant to diminish or minimize the abuse we have suffered, or our daily struggles with our mental health. But, rather, to see that their evil actions and words have not taken everything away from us. Wishing everyone some peace today, something to smile about, and strength.

    Liked by 1 person

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