Kelly and therapy yesterday

Hi guys
My name is Kelli. I am 16 years old.
I dont come out to often. But I wanted to come out and write about the time I spent in therapy yesterday with eileen. I had a really good session. It was really useful to be able to talk things out with Eileen. She is a really good therapist, and she was so nice to me.
I am a dark, in Liz’s system. I have a lot of trouble with contacting abusers, I dont initiate it, but when they email us I have responded to them before. I know now that this wasnt a good idea. I should be staying away from them. I do know this now. And I am trying hard.
I want to do right by our system. Liz doesnt allow us to contact the abusers. When she found out I did it, I got in a lot of trouble.
So she said I had to go to therapy and talk. So thats what I did.
Me and Eileen talked about my feelings surrounding the abusers, I have a lot of feelings that are very confusing. In a way contacting them makes me feel valued. Even though deep down I know they are using me. I know they dont care, I talked to eileen about the response I got from one of them when I told him I wouldnt be meeting him over easter, he got mad at me and threatened to hurt the kids in my system.
Thats a huge worry for me, as they’ve been though enough trauma and hurt in the past from abuse and I dont want that to happen to them again.
Eileen asked me if I’d be disappointed if they didnt contact me. I had to think on that for a while. I guess honestly? Yes, but only because its part of who I am, I’ve always been abused, and I dont know any other way to be. I dont have another job, or role in our system, but I am going to try out some stuff, starting this weekend, I am going to come out when we’re away with our mom, and go shopping, and eat out etc. Just to see what thats like. Normally I am only out for reasons that are bad or when someone needs to respond to an email from an abuser.
It will be good to be out for something else, some other reason.
I am glad I talked in therapy. I was able to see a lot. Wendy offered to support me which was also nice. She’s been through this in the past, and Eileen asked her specifically if she’d be willing to support me through it.
I am so glad I have people inside who get it, and I have eileen, dr. barry and all of you our friends too. Thanks for being there for us.
love you all,
Kelli age 16

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Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

23 thoughts on “Kelly and therapy yesterday”

      1. It’s doubtful, we slept half the day away, slept until after 3 pm on and off all day weren’t doing anything much today other than sleeping so it’s doubtful we will sleep tonight but I guess we can try later maybe πŸ˜›πŸ˜œπŸ’•

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    1. Hi, thanks for the hugs, nice to meet you too, I hope to be out more often now, hopefully we can chat sometime soon if you’re up for that I mean. It’s nice to make friends XX

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      1. I’ve never read the Harry Potter books but I have seen the movies and I like to though so maybe I would like to book 2 I must try and get them they have them on Audible which we are a member of the read audiobooks mostly but we have a kindle subscription as well so sometimes you read kindle books to sorry if there are mistakes in this I’m dictating with my phone

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      2. Tis ok. Read two chapters and now I am tired. If you can get the books, they are good. My favorite one is Prisoner of Azkaban and the last book. I’ve read the last book so many times. If you have questions about the books, let me know. Would love to talk about Harry again

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  1. Hi Kelli, welcome! I think you’ll find out that there are plenty of fun things to do which don’t involve contacting an abuser. You can also protect the little ones by simply being part of keeping the body away from them. It is better to regret _not contacting an abuser than to fear what will happen to you and the littles after you do. The regret will pass, the stronger you get, the more support you have from other insiders, and the more therapy you have with Eileen. The fear will never pass between you and an abuser because that is what the abuser will always want you to feel. They feed off of it and it makes them feel good. Don’t let them feel good. xxx

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  2. Hi Kelly. πŸ™‚ It’s very nice to meet you. It’s so sad that you haven’t been out much, only for that shitty stuff to do with the abusers. You deserve to see that the life is not only about bad, hurtful and scary things but that it can also be fun, so I hope that from now on you’ll be able to see that side of your life too. And I strongly believe in you and hope that you’ll overcome the need to contact the abusers with time, and so contribute to the safety of all of you.

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  3. Hugs. I think a lot of people who have been abused understand what it’s like to confuse wanting to be seen with tolerating abuse. You don’t have to be a “dark” to feel like that sometimes. Part of abuse is abusers deliberately screw up your understanding of what real affection and appreciation is so the twisted type they give seems normal. It’s not shameful, and I’m glad you have people like Eileen to recognize and validate you in a safe way.

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