from jadda age 10

hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.
Jadda, 10

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “from jadda age 10”

  1. Hi Jadda. Glad to meet you. You don’t have to hide anymore. I’m so glad you talked to Eileen. I hope you encourage the younger protectors to talk to her too. I’m sorry you protectors can’t just be kids because there are enough grownups around to protect Em and the rest of you. xxx

    Liked by 3 people

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