just home from seeing dr. barry. we had a good apt today. i was out for it. we talked about lots of things, but mainly we talked about therapy, about the work eileen has been doing with shirley. Dr. barry has never really talked to shirley. I think she might have spoken to her once but thats it. In all of the five and a half years we’ve been seeing her, she’s never really worked with shirley. she knows of her, and today i filled her in some more about her. we had a long talk about shirleys denial of us, about what she thinks she has, i told her shirley says she hears us in her head, but to anyone who didnt know we were multiple, to another doctor who may be diagnosing us, if they saw shirley and she told them about hearing us, they’d probably diagnose us with psychosis, or schizophrenia. dr. barry asked me if i am co-conscious with shirley when she’s out. i told her i was. i told her i try to quickly put info in her head when she’s out, orientate her to the present, and to whatever it is we’re doing when she surfaces. i told her shirley has a lot of confusion, and is always very overwhelmed when she’s out. dr. barry said that must be so hard for her. to always feel such deep levels of confusion must be awful for her. she said it was good that eileen started working with her. i told her it was really interesting to hear what she had to say last week in therapy. to just hear her thoughts on things. it was eye opening. i said some time i’d like dr. barry to have a proper session with shirley. so maybe soon i’ll arrange that. i can push her out if needs be. and i trust dr. barry. so maybe we can organise that some time soon. she needs to get familiar with dr. barry. i told dr. barry that shirley feels safe around our family. that when we’re at mom and dads house she comes out more then. its like she feels secure there. but she doesnt really know how to act. what to do or how to be. she needs to be taken care of. she needs looking after. we talked about her age, i told dr. barry i’d told eileen that i felt she was around 21, but eileen had said no, she felt she was acting much younger, and she definitely wasnt mature enough or adult enough to function like i do day to day. so i guess it will take time. we will keep working with her in therapy and hopefully she’ll gain maturity in time. not sure though if she will or not. we talked about the assessment, i told her eileen did the assessment for remy over the phone with us. she said its good that its done now. we talked about attachment, and i told her i’d had a meltdown last night, a pretty bad one. i told her we’d discussed with eileen ways to parent the kids, but that we’re kinda resisting it. dr. barry asked me do i think of us as parts of a whole. i said yes, i know we’re all parts, and that we only have one body, but i told her i’d told this to eileen too, that i see us as individuals, not as one, or as parts of a whole. i told her eileen had been trying to make me come to the realisation that we’re all parts of a whole, but that it doesnt feel like it to me. dr. barry said how can i feel whole when i am one of the parts, that thats not feesable, that its much more feesable for me to think of myself as separate, because i’ve never experienced integration. i told her i never would either, as we’re not aiming for that at all in therapy. we’re aiming for better cooperation and internal communication. she agreed this was best. anyway, getting back to the attachment and the meltdown. i told her i cried myself to sleep last night. i just wanted her, or eileen, i wanted one of them to take my pain away, i wanted them to hugs me, care for me, anything, anything to make the horrible pain end. just make it go away. i told her i felt stupid and needy and awful for not being strong and able to deal with it on my own. she gently said carol anne, do you realise, that you have did, but even if you didnt have did, even if you had no trauma, people who dont have the same struggles you do, they sometimes need things like that, to be looked after, to be taken care of, they need comforting words, or someone to comfort them. its not weak to want that. your not weak, in fact i think its very honest of you to say it to me. i told her i didnt think i’d be able to talk to her today, but that i knew i was seeing her and i’d tried to prepare myself so that i would mention this stuff to her. and then she said, and you did. your here and your talking to me about it. your so strong. i was like, but man dr. barry, i dont feel it. i dont feel strong at all! she said she was very proud of me for all the hard work i’d done in therapy lately. you’ve done tremendous work in the past two weeks, she said gently. your doing great. you continue to amaze me with your strength and determination. i am in awe of it. i was floored! i wasnt expecting her to say all that! that really gave me a boost, a confidence boost. i love her for her kind, gentle nature. her honesty, her realness and willingness to listen without judgement. i just love her for so many things, and i am so glad she’s our doctor. like eileen, she is a blessing to us, and we are so glad to have her in our life, and on our treatment team. so we ended with her saying that i was doing great, to come back in two weeks, and we could continue our conversation then. i think iwas in with her for about 50 minutes. after the apt she walked me to the front entrance, like she normally does, so i could wait for a taxi to pick me up. i have a lot to think about, and a lot to reflect on. I just have to say this. Dr. barry is one of the best things to happen to me. She’s gotten us through so much in the past 6 years. I dont know where we’d be without her.