FROM PIXIE, THERAPY THIS WEEK!

THERAPY THIS WEEK WAS TOUGH!VERY VERY TOUGH! ME AND EILEEN HAD A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. WHEN I FIRST CAME OUT WE TALKED ABOUT SHIRLEY, I TOLD EILEEN THAT SOME OF US DONT PARTICULARLY LIKE IT WHEN SHE’S OUT, BECAUSE HER FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IMPACT ON US, AND CAUSE INTERNAL CONFUSION AND CHAOS. EILEEN SAID SHE DIDNT KNOW THAT. WE CHATTED FOR A LITTLE WHILE ABOUT IT, AND SHE SAID SHE’D BE MORE MINDFUL OF IT WHEN SHE WORKS WITH SHIRLEY. THEN SHE ASKED ME PIXIE, HOW DID YOU FEEL LAST WEEK, YOU, AND THE REST OF THE DARKS? WHEN I WAS WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, HOW DID YOU FEEL? I STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS, BUT I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT WE FELT FORGOTTEN ABOUT, SINCE FIRST BEFORE CHRISTMAS SHE’D BEEN WORKING WITH EMILY AND HER INSIDERS, AND THEN SHE STARTED WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, AND SO IT FELT LIKE OUR ISSUES WERE BEING NEGLECTED, AND LIKE SHE’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT US. SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT WE’D BE ANGRY WITH HER. I SAID NOT ANGRY, JUST SAD AND FEELING ALONE, I TOLD HER WE NEEDED HER HELP AND SUPPORT, WE FELT ALONE AND LIKE WE’RE DROWNING. SO WE TALKED. WE TALKED ABOUT THE ABUSE, AND WE DISCUSSED A MEMORY FROM WHEN THE BODY WAS SIX YEARS OLD. I TOLD HER OUR ABUSERS ALWAYS TOLD US IT WAS OUR FAULT THEY WERE ABUSING US. THEY SAID MANY THINGS TO US BUT SOME OF THE THINGS THEY SAID WERE, IF YOU DIDNT LOOK LIKE THIS, THEN THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING, IF YOU WERE SKINNIER, IF YOU WERENT ALWAYS ACTING THIS OR THAT WAY, IF YOU WERE SOMEHOW DIFFERENT, THEN I WOULDNT BE ABUSING YOU. I TOLD HER HOW THERE WAS ALSO THE FACT THAT WE HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN ABUSING OTHERS, AND IF WE DIDNT, WE’D END UP HURT IN WORSE WAYS, AND IF WE DID IT THEN OTHER KIDS WERE HURT, AND THEN WE HAD HUGE GUILT BECAUSE WE HELPED TO HURT OTHER KIDS. EILEEN SAID WE WERE TRAPPED, AND IT WAS IN NO WAY OUR FAULT. SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED IT. I SAID LOGICALLY I KNEW IT BUT MOSTLY I DIDNT BELIEVE IT WASNT MY FAULT. I TOLD HER NONE OF THE DARKS REALLY BELIEVED IT WASNT OUR FAULT. SHE SAID WE WERE POWERLESS BACK THEN, WE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE, WE WERE POWERLESS, BUT NOW, NOW WE ARENT POWERLESS ANY MORE. WE DONT LIVE IN DUBLIN NOW, AND DUBLIN IS OVER, WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN. SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW THAT IT WAS OVER. I SAID I DID. THEN I STARTED FEELING THE YOUNG PARTS COMING THROUGH, THEY WERE LISTENING IN AND STARTED REACTING TO WHAT EILEEN WAS SAYING TO ME. EILEEN SAID SHE WANTED THE KIDS TO GO TO THE INTERNAL ROOM WE MADE, AND STAY THERE, SHE SAID THIS WAS ADULT STUFF AND THE KIDS DONT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT. THEN WE DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE WORK WITH THE PULSERS, WE WORKED WITH FEELINGS THAT WERE CROPPING UP IN OUR BODY, TENTION, ANXIOUS FEELINGS, PTSD TYPE SYMPTOMS, WE TRACKED THOSE FOR A WHILE. THAT WAS SUPER HARD. I FOUND IT HARD NOT TO DISSOCIATE. EILEEN KEPT HAVING TO BRING ME BACK TO THE ROOM, BACK INTO THE PRESENT. IT WAS HARD NOT TO FLOAT AWAY, DISSOCIATE ALL THE FEELINGS. BUT I MANAGED, SOMEHOW NOT TO DO IT. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. IM GLAD I GOT TO TALK. I LOVE HOW INTUATIVE EILEEN IS. SHE ALWAYS ALWAYS HAS GOOD ADVICE. I LOVE HOW MINDFUL SHE IS OF THE DARKS, OF OUR NEEDS. IT FEELS SO GOOD. WE FEEL VALIDATED, AND SAFE IN HER PRESENCE. SAFE AND SECURE IN HER OFFICE. JUST THE SOUND OF HER VOICE MAKES US FEEL AT EASE. I’M JUST SO GLAD SHE’S OUR THERAPIST. SHE TOLD ME ONE INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THE BRAIN. I HAD BEEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT REMEMBERING MEMORIES FROM MY CHILDHOOD, I SAID I DONT REALLY REMEMBER MANY GOOD ONES, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THE BRAIN HAS A HABIT OF ONLY REMEMBERING THE NEGATIVE MEMORIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE LOTS OF GOOD ONES. IT WILL SWING TOWARDS REMEMBERING ONLY THE NEGATIVE, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED. I FOUND THIS TO BE REALLY INTERESTING. I WAS FIGURING I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM CHILDHOOD, AND I WAS PUTTING IT DOWN TO HAVING DID, BUT EILEEN TOLD ME SHE BARELY REMEMBERS ANYTHING FROM AGES 5 6 AND 7 EITHER. SHE SAID SHE ONLY HAS GLIMPSES FROM BACK THEN. SO ITS GOOD I AM NOT ALONE IN THAT. ANYWAY I AM SURE GLAD I HAD THERAPY TIME THIS WEEK. FEELS SO GOOD TO JUST BE ABLE TO TALK.
PIXIE

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Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

4 thoughts on “FROM PIXIE, THERAPY THIS WEEK!”

  1. I don’t remember much from before my mum.passed away and I was twelve well nearly thirteen ten. It bothers me much but I figured there is a reason why I don’t and I better leave it like that. Glad you had a good session with Eileen. She seems to be an extraordinary therapist. 😗🙋🐝

    Liked by 1 person

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