This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

18 thoughts on “This is Sirena”

  1. Serena, I’m glad you talked to Eileen. This may be hard to believe, but we all need people and there is strength in admitting that you do. I’m sure listening to the kids gets frustrating, but that is where you can go to the adults in your system and tell them how you feel and get them to help you out. That’s why they are adults and you aren’t. xxx

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  2. Sirena, I can understand your feelings and that it is frustrating to hear kids whining all the time. But today is not in the past, now you’re all safe and it IS OK to feel your needs, it’s OK for the kids too. I think it’s very healthy that they try to let out their feelings and cry and talk about them. Now you do have people to help you, like Eileen, so it is safe to show your feelings. You don’t need to cut. As I said though, I understand you being frustrated with the littles, it’s never fun to hear the children whining all the time, especially if you too feel like rubbish. So maybe there would be an option for you to be away from them? Like have some separate place for you/all the teens in your system where you could just have a break from the kids? Would that be doable? I agree with Eileen that you should seek help in the adults, I’m sure they can help you.

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      1. This is just my guess, Sirena, but I think you are a Part of Carol Anne and Carol Anne chose your name, even if maybe, she doesn’t remember doing that. My guess is that you are pretty darn loving, Sirena! (and loved). TS

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