SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland. View all posts by Carol Anne