Clara having memories

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

18 thoughts on “Clara having memories”

  1. Clara,

    They demanded a child to serve  them.  They were support u, protect u and respect u.  Instead, they  stole ur childhood.  They stole ur education and your future college education.  They stole your peace.  U matter so much!!  We are sorry all of you inside and all the kids went to that school were hurt. 

    J

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Carol Anne and Clara: A big thing my T (Betsy) is trying to help me with, is being **Angry** at the Bad People who were SUPPOSED to be taking care of me when I was a kid. Angry Angry Angry – it terrifies me – but Betsy says (and so do the PTSD Books!) that it FITS and noone will punish me for feeling it now… I would love it if we could hold hands and be BRAVE together!!!

    PS I think Clara means Clear. You feel very Clear to me, Clara. TS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh God, how dreadful! And how unfair on you, poor thing. :/ I’m sorry you had to cope with this and I can understand how hard it must be for you that those who were supposed to take care of you, took an advantage of you and wanted you to take care of other kids. I’m sorrRemember that you are safe now and no one can do things like that to you anymore. You are away from that place, and you have Eileen to support you, and all of us here, you’re not alone. Hugs. 🙂 y it happened to you, it really shouldn’t.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Clara, I dont think we met yet. Nice to meet you. I had to help a lot at home and had to comfort my father about my mothers illness. I know exactly where you are coming from. I could imagine though that you are ready and protected now to work through all this and your little one’s. It’s hard, my goodness, I know, but all if you are strong in your own way and together you’ll manage!

    Like

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