Little parts remembering abuse

im feeling really weird. on edge. agitated. unsettled. unsteady and unstable. it feels awful. i dont feel well at all tonight. i can see myself at age 2.5. living with mom and dad, in dads familys house. with his mother, brother and sister. i see them all drinking, drinking a lot. always drinking. i remember things. lots of bits of memories. lotsof fragments. i remember the yelling. so much yelling. i remember the fear as dad would be drunk, yelling at his brother and sister. yelling at his mom too.
me and our mom we’d be in the bedroom trying to sleep. both being very scared. mom was only 18. she had us at 17. we’d try to make sure she was ok. we’d try to take care of her. we tried so hard. even at 2.5 years old, we knew. we knew this wasnt the way things were supposed to be. we knew then. it was mostly emily and her insiders fronting then. and shirley, and us. shirley couldnt handle it though, so emily would, and us, her insiders, we’d also handle it. now we have lots of infants and toddlers in here. who remember. they remember it all.
tonight we’re just so so sad. all of it it just hurts. i hurt. em is hurting. jade made us some tea. and we have our blanket, and we snuggled with nitro. we talked to our friend too on the phone. that did help some.
we told eileen some of this today. she said we should never have had to do what we had to do. no child should take care of the adults. thats not how its supposed to be. but thats how it was for us.
my heart is aching. my stomach swirling. my eyes burning. my head pounding. my body just feels, awful. i feel, awful. i wish this would end. someone make it stop. i cant do this.
Sassy, age 13, one of ems insiders


Author: Carol Anne

I am a woman in my mid 30's. I'm blind and I have dissociative identity disorder, I also have complex PTSD. I blog about my life with these disorders. I live in Ireland.

22 thoughts on “Little parts remembering abuse”

  1. You are safe. Keep warm, stay together and cuddle Nitro. Maybe have a nice chocolate drink. I have just had one as I needed some comfort tonight myself. I’m going to get a shower next and jump in bed soon. My fleecy blanket is on the bed ready tonight.
    Eileen is right that you should not have had to that, just as I had learnt when I had counseling for things in my childhood, that I should not have done as a child and instead what was the adults responsibility too. X


  2. I’m so sorry, Sassy that you have all those feelings. Eileen is right in that you shouldn’t have had to do all of that at 2 and a half, but it shows how intelligent you were at that age because many two-year-olds wouldn’t have been trying to take care of their mothers. I’m glad Jade is taking care of you. Perhaps, one by one you can sit on Jade’s lap and let her hug you, and then do some more outside cuddling with the blanket and Nitro. Hugs, xxx


  3. Hi Sassy. 🙂 Oh you poor thing, I completely agree with Eileen that it should never happen to you. That must have been so very overwhelming for you as such a little child. But you have to remind yourself that now you’re all safe, no one will harm you and those of you who are kids, can be kids and act like kids now, allow yourselves to just be children now. I think it’s really good that Eileen asked Jade to take care of you, I hope with time it will make you feel safer and less like you need to be responsible for everything. Hugs. 🙂


      1. Anytime. Unfortunately, I am not always there in time because I have my own battles to fight but when I can I do. And I am sending healing energy to all of you every day when I meditate. 🐝❤🐝🙋

        Liked by 1 person

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