im feeling really weird. on edge. agitated. unsettled. unsteady and unstable. it feels awful. i dont feel well at all tonight. i can see myself at age 2.5. living with mom and dad, in dads familys house. with his mother, brother and sister. i see them all drinking, drinking a lot. always drinking. i remember things. lots of bits of memories. lotsof fragments. i remember the yelling. so much yelling. i remember the fear as dad would be drunk, yelling at his brother and sister. yelling at his mom too.
me and our mom we’d be in the bedroom trying to sleep. both being very scared. mom was only 18. she had us at 17. we’d try to make sure she was ok. we’d try to take care of her. we tried so hard. even at 2.5 years old, we knew. we knew this wasnt the way things were supposed to be. we knew then. it was mostly emily and her insiders fronting then. and shirley, and us. shirley couldnt handle it though, so emily would, and us, her insiders, we’d also handle it. now we have lots of infants and toddlers in here. who remember. they remember it all.
tonight we’re just so so sad. all of it it just hurts. i hurt. em is hurting. jade made us some tea. and we have our blanket, and we snuggled with nitro. we talked to our friend too on the phone. that did help some.
we told eileen some of this today. she said we should never have had to do what we had to do. no child should take care of the adults. thats not how its supposed to be. but thats how it was for us.
my heart is aching. my stomach swirling. my eyes burning. my head pounding. my body just feels, awful. i feel, awful. i wish this would end. someone make it stop. i cant do this.
Sassy, age 13, one of ems insiders