why is it that so many people think suicide is so wrong? and selfish?? almost every night/day i read shit on the internet about suicide as one method to keep me staying alive. i dont know why, but it seems to be working (along with Nitro)). i have even read about people who blew their heads off. not too pretty. perhaps knowing that i would crap my pants and lose most of my bodily control is enough to temporarily prevent me from doing the act. although, if i killed myself in the woods, no-one would find all the fluids. what blows my mind is that helpers responding to comments or posts or whatever..often state that (a) suicide is a sin and (b) suicide is selfish. SIN?? would killing myself be anymore of a sin than some of the other things i have been forced or had to do to survive? Seriously?
isnt sex a sin? whether forcefully fucked or fun fucking sin. if that counts i was sinning as a young child who didnt even know what it meant.
isnt treating your body poorly a sin? my drinking, drugging, self-harming all sin.
isnt not honoring the people who were caring for you a sin? i guess that includes all the times i told anyone of them to fuck off too sin.
isnt lieing and stealing sins?
and apparently using gods name badly is a sin too. so if i am going to blow my head off, i better not say oh god before i pull the trigger. sin.
you get my point?
I have even read that suicide would be considered the ultimate sin because you cant ask for forgiveness. if i ask for forgiveness before i pull the trigger, does that count?
. i am not a religious person, but crap, if there is a higher being and if he/she is condemning people because they kill themselves, thats pretty mean. do you have ANY fucking idea the amount of pain necessary needed to hold a gun in your mouth or stand on a bridge or stick a handful of pills in your throat?
i think this higher being that doesnt forgive has some role in the pain people are placed in. dont you? .. and then not to forgive when a person ends the painmakes no sense to me. some of us simply do not heal and the pain may ebb and flow, but it is always FUCKING THERE
most people kill themselves because they are in pain and see themselves as a burden on society and especially their loved ones. because we are in so much pain, we see ourselves as constantly bothering those around us. we are constantly fucked up, constantly fucking up, and we know people get tired. dont you think we know that? killing ourselves helps you out.
People who tell suicidal people that they are being selfish are being selfish themselves. why are you saying that? reality check..you are just trying to protect yourself from the impact and having to deal with the feelings that a suicide would bring. how selfish is that = dont kill yourself because i will grieve and have feelings.
some of us truly have no one. if i disappeared and my body was never found because i blew my head off in a desolate park. a couple people might wonder what happened to me, but they would move on thinking i moved on too. many of you reading my blog can not understand the depth of emotional pain i live with. Eileen cant. dr barry cant. My parents cant. no-one can. my entire world has been altered by my life experiences and it is foolish to believe that the longer i live, the greater likelihood that my pain will disappear. it may subside, but it will always be there. i was damaged, broken down, and thrust into 18 years that changed me.
i am broken beyond full repair.
who was i and who might i have been if i had an ounce of normalacy growing up?
i will NEVER fucking know.
In a defeatest voice, they all won, and I have to figure out how to deal with last place before throwing in the towel for good.
Suicide isnt about sin and it is not about being selfish. It is about pain, and in a fucked up way it is about survival.